Goofy stuff on the web

couw · May 11, 2005

http://www.sandowplus.co.uk/Competition/Co...tunts-intro.htm

tonym · May 17, 2005

Darth Vader, 'This Is Your Life'

Not sure if you havd this cheesy show in the States but this is quite a good spoof transcript of the show.

Uncle Skid · May 17, 2005

Sugar Bush Squirrel® - "The World's Most Photographed (and most patriotic) Squirrel

:blink:

tonym · May 20, 2005

Which Star Wars character are you?

I was err.....the Emporer Palatine.

I wouldn't care I'm not really that hell bent on galactic domination.

just wondering what sort of messed up answers you have to give to be comparable to C3 PO?

" Do you have an angle grinder concealed about your person?"

Gary · May 20, 2005

just wondering what sort of messed up answers you have to give to be comparable to C3 PO?
[

Don't ask :winky:

tonym · May 20, 2005

just wondering what sort of messed up answers you have to give to be comparable to C3 PO?
[

Don't ask

OK.

(Bleeep, bleep.....toot, toot, blip)

←

mgraham333 · May 20, 2005

* I hate turtlenecks. I have such a weak neck. Plus if you wear a turtleneck it's like being strangled by a really weak guy ... all day. And if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

* I was at a club and they had blacklights everywhere. A blacklight is a light that makes everyone look cool... except me, 'cause I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.

* Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it's kinda like they're saying, "Here — you throw this away."

* I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin' and hook up with them later.

* I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.

* I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've travelled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so that it will not fall off the wall.

* I rent a lot of cars, you know, 'cause I go on the road. I rent cars and when I drive a rental car, I don't know what's going on with it, right? So a lot of times I drive, like, for ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the "emergency brake." It's really not an "emergency brake", it's an "emergency make-the-car-smell-funny lever."

* I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. It was so damn literal.

* I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still got tartar, but that sh**'s under control. If the tartar gets outta line, I'm like, "Come on, man, you know the deal. Fall in! You crazy-ass tartar..." I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fish sticks in sh**!...That's actually kinda gross.

* I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

* I type at one hundred and one words a minute. But it's in my own language.

* I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me they just say "Mitch," and I say "What?" and turn my head slightly ...

* I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I needed to rewrite it. I said, "F*** that, I'll just make a copy."

* I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that ... day.

* I had a coldsore, and I put carmex on it cuz carmex is supposed to heal coldsores. I dunno if it does , but it will make them shiny and more noticeable...

* An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an escalator "Temporarily Out of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs... Sorry for the Convenience ... We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there."

* I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen but he could not read it, he thought I was just trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.

* I was in a bar, minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

* I wish I could play Little League now, I'd kick some f***ing ass.... they'd back up now.

* I played golf, I'm not good at golf, I never got good at it. I never got a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. And that's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell "fore." But I was too busy mumbling, "there ain't no way that's gonna hit him." .... I hit a guy in one. What's par for hitting a guy? One. If you hit a guy in two, you are an A**hole.

* I mumble a lot offstage, I’m a mumbler. If I’m walking with a friend and I say something, he won’t hear me. He’ll say, ‘What?’ So I’ll say it again, but once again he doesn’t hear me, so he says, ‘What?’ But really it’s just some insignificant shit that I’m saying, but now I’m yelling, ‘That tree is far away!’

* My roommate says, "I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first...

* My friend said to me "Man, this weather is trippy." I said to him, "No man, it's not the weather that is trippy, perhaps it is the way we perceive it that is indeed trippy..." then I thought, man, I should have just said, 'yeah' ...

-Mitch Hedberg R.I.P.