Joke of the Day

[T.D.]

Guy in a bar complaining to the bartender about his divorce. "Damn, my wife is taking me to the cleaners, her lawyer's really a f**g asshole".

Bartender says "Yeah, I hear you...all lawyers are assholes".

Drunk sleeping at the end of the bar wakes up, lifts his head off the bar and shouts "Hey, I resent that!"

Bartender says "What are you, a lawyer or something?"

Drunk says "No, I'm an asshole."

[Ken Dryden]

I spent part of my career in outside sales so I knew not to make any assumptions about the name of the company being the owner’s name. Back in the 1980s there was an electrical contractor company named W.C. Teas. The guy who ran it said he used to have a secretary who would respond to phone requests for Mr. Teas with, “I’m sorry, Mr. Teas left for the cemetery and isn’t expected back. Could someone else help you?”

Edited April 19, 2022 by Ken Dryden
Typo fix

[GA Russell]

Mickey and Minnie Mouse go to Divorce Court.

The judge says, "Mickey, insanity is not grounds for divorce."

Mickey says, "Your honor, I didn't say that she is insane.  I said that she is effing Goofy!"

[Ken Dryden]

A judge has the two opposing attorneys approach the bench at the start of a civil suit.

The judge tells them, "Gentlemen, I have an envelope with $1000 from the plaintiff's attorney and another envelope with $1500 from the defense attorney. I am returning $500 to the defense attorney and I wlll decide the case on its merits."

Edited May 29, 2023 by Ken Dryden
Typo fix

[GA Russell]

True story:

Many years ago a young lawyer told me that a judge once him that...

Most people think that the hard part of being on a jury is deciding who to find for when both sides have good arguments; when in reality the hard part is having to find for someone when they think everyone is lying.

[Ken Dryden]

I have never had a problem when I was on a jury about telling who was lying or which attorney was omitting evidence, sometimes which didn’t exist.

My first case as a juror was a civil suit after a car wreck. The defense attorney implied that the plaintiff was speeding on a rainy night and contributed to the accident caused by the defendant, who turned left from the wrong lane in front of him. I didn’t buy it, as there was not a shred of evidence to back his claim, but the rest of the jury did and wanted to reduce the damages awarded by 40%. Because the plaintiff did such a poor job documenting injuries (he and his girlfriend refused emergency room treatment) and how much income they lost, the damages were a few hundred dollars each. I agreed to compromise at a 20% reduction simply because I didn’t think it was worth a hung jury. After the trial, I asked the defense attorney if the defendant was elderly and if the plaintiffs turned down a much bigger settlement and got a big yes to both. Some people think their case is a jackpot, only to learn that juries aren’t always generous with damage awards.

Edited March 7, 2023 by Ken Dryden

[GA Russell]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy pulls out his phone, and calls the emergency services.

He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

[Ken Dryden]

A curious music fan once asked the seasoned veteran saxophone player why he chose to make his career playing jazz.

The old pro lit up another cigarette.

"I don't like crowds," he replied.

[GA Russell]

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly.

The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again.

This went on for some time until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.

The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, and said, "That's it."

[Ken Dryden]

On 1/18/2022 at 3:05 PM, GA Russell said:

Grandmother used to take my mom to the circus to see the fat lady and the tattooed man.

Now they're everywhere.

What a scream!

[Kevin Bresnahan]

On 4/10/2022 at 7:38 PM, Ken Dryden said:

Love it!

That sure beats the pastor in this story:

A man in a pastor's congregation cam up to him after the service and told him, "That was one hell of a sermon, pastor!"

The pastor replied, "Thank you for your compliment, but I wish you wouldn't use such language."

The church member explained, "But pastor, it was such a hell of a good sermon, that I put a $100 bill in the collection plate!"

The pastor responded, "The hell you did!"

An even better pastor joke...

The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day, walking down Main St., he noticed a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up laying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here buddy, we won't have any of that in this bar!"

The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "No, no, you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."

The bartender nodded and said, "Well then, if you're that far in, you might as well finish up."

BTW - this is a very old joke with many variations.

[GA Russell]

I saw a tweet last week:

Men, don't try to understand women.  Women understand women, and we hate each other.

[Ken Dryden]

On 3/21/2022 at 5:06 PM, GA Russell said:

You know you are getting fat when you get in the bathtub, and the water rises in the toilet.

You're know you're fat when you sit on the beach and the kids get next to you for the shade. (Dedicated to Chris Christie, the beached whale).

[GA Russell]

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."

The nun agreed.

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria."

The nun said, "I understand completely."

The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls.  I don't want to go to Syria either."

*****

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

[GA Russell]

New York is so bad, last night a cockroach woke me up to complain, "We got ants." 

[GA Russell]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter." Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

One year when Esther and Morris went to the fair Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. This might be my last chance to ride that helicopter." Esther replied, "That helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and $50 is $50".

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride. If you stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! If you say one word it's fifty dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres and daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!"

[GA Russell]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”

Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

“Are you OK?” the auditor asks.

“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”

[GA Russell]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic’s shop to have his truck fixed. They thought it might have something to do with the transmission, so they couldn’t repair it while he waited. He told the mechanics that he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem ― how to carry his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?” The farmer replied "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot."

The old lady suggested "Why don’t you do this? Put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand."

"Why, thank you very much, that works just fine!" he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he said "Let’s take my usual short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me ... How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t have your way with me?”

The farmer said with some irritation "Holy smokes, lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I do that?"

The old lady replied "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint can on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens."

 

 

[GA Russell]

A man was in the bathroom at a restaurant in Las Vegas when lo and behold standing next to him at a urinal was Frank Sinatra. Since he had Frank’s attention, he said, “Mr. Sinatra, you are about the most famous person I have ever met. I am on a date and I think it really would impress my girl if you would stop by my table and say hello and act like you know me.” Frank Sinatra said, “Okay, what is your name?’ The man said Michael.

Michael goes back to his table, rejoins his date and a few moments later, Frank stops by and says, “Hey, Michael. Good to see you! How are you doing?’

The man turns to Sinatra and says, “Oh fuck off, Frank. Can't you see I’m out on a date?”

[medjuck]

I once heard that same joke told on the CBC with Lord Beaverbrook as the celebrity .  It caused questions in parliament. 

Edited September 16, 2023 by medjuck

[GA Russell]

A man walks into a pub and asks for a double scotch.

The Landlord asks, "Are you all right?" as the man looks a little shaken.

The man explained that his car had konked out a mile or so down the road. He had been scratching his head looking at the engine when a horse popped his head over the hedgerow, and told him how to fix the problem.

"Arr, was it a black horse?" asked the Landlord.

"Yes", said the man.

"You wuz lucky then," said the Landlord. "There's a grey horse in that field, and he knows fuck all about engines."

*****

On 9/16/2023 at 11:40 AM, medjuck said:

I once heard that same joke told on the CBC with Lord Beaverbrook as the celebrity .  It caused questions in parliament. 

Joe, I was familiar with the Beaverbrook name as a press baron, but looked him up in Wikipedia to see what the fuss was about.  I had never associated him with New Brunswick.

Edited October 1, 2023 by GA Russell

[GA Russell]

A regular customer sits down at the diner and orders his breakfast. “I’d like two eggs, over easy until the yoke is hard and the white is crispy; white bread toasted until it’s burnt on both sides, runny oatmeal and coffee served weak, with too much cream.”

“Wow. That’s a really strange order, sir.”

“Really?  That’s how I’ve been getting it for two years, without ever asking for it.”

[GA Russell]

An Irishman goes to a building site in London, and asks the foreman if he can have a job.

“Are you Irish?” said the foreman. “Well sor, that I am”, replied the Irishman.

“Well”, said the foreman, ”I don’t want any more Irish on this site, because they don’t know nuffink. Last week we have one here who didn’t even know the difference between a girder and a joist. Can you tell me the difference between girder and joist?”

The Irishman thought for a little while, and then replied, “Well sor, I tink that Joyce wrote Ulysses and Goethe wrote Faust.”

[GA Russell]

A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician are discussing whether it is better to have a wife or a mistress.

“Oh, definitely a wife,” says the doctor. “Married men live longer.”

“You’ve never been through a divorce,” says the lawyer. “Believe me, a mistress is far cheaper in the long run.”

“It’s obviously best to have both a wife AND a mistress,” says the mathematician.

The doctor and lawyer are stunned. “Why is that?” they ask.

“Well, you can tell your wife that you’re with your mistress, tell your mistress that you’re with your wife, and get some real MATH done!”

[Coda]

How do you know a banjo player is trying to break into your house? They can’t find the key and they don’t know where to come in.