Joke of the Day

[BillF]

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a large beer and a mop.

[JSngry]

At these prices, no wonder!

[Ken Dryden]

Housework never killed anyone, but why take the risk?

I never dust, it might be someone I know.

Phyllis Diller

[GA Russell]

I'm a writer.

I write checks.

Mostly fiction.

[JSngry]

Wendy Liebman!

[GA Russell]

Younger girls have been approaching me lately. 

And asking to buy them alcohol.

[GA Russell]

A man and his wife attended a dinner party at the home of their friends.

Near the end of the meal, the wife reprimanded her husband. "That's the third time you've gone for dessert," she scolded. "The hostess must think you're an absolute pig."

"I don't think so," he said. "I've been telling her it's for you."

[Ken Dryden]

[GA Russell]

His request approved, the news photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, ‘Let’s go!’ The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, ‘Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.’

‘Why?’ asked the pilot.

‘Because I’m a photographer for cable news,’ he responded. ‘And I need to get some close up shots.’

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment.  ‘So, what you’re telling me is… you’re NOT my flight instructor?’

[GA Russell]

Wife: "I am going out for a couple of hours.  Do you want anything?"

Husband: "No, that's enough."

[Ken Dryden]

During a break between sets, a musician asked Lester Young, “Lester, when was the last time we played together?”

Young responded, “Tonight.”

[Jon King]

I submit only two jokes of my day (i love jokes only know a pitiful few).

set-up:  told earlier today at my grandson's high school jazz ensemble concert by his adult leader.    ^{" What do you get if you eat Eggos at the beach/"        San Diego}

^{also :  The definition of an optimist is an accordion player with a union card.   J Carson or Steve Allen?}

^{I always liked those state jokes, eg,  'HOW DO YOU GET  50 SOUTH DAKOTANS  IN A VOLKSWAGEN?     TELL  them there's work in Wyoming.}  

[Ken Dryden]

After a painter completes a portait of a lady, she looks at it and says, "You know, that's a really ugly work of art."

The painter responded, "Well, I had a really ugly work of nature to work with..."

[jazzbo]

One of my favorite jokes is definitely a crude one, but . . . 

He suffers from that Hawaiian diseases. . . lacko'nookie.

[Ken Dryden]

My urologist used to write prescriptions for prostate issues that read: “More nookie. Take as often as possible for good health.” His nurse circled “”No substitutions” at the bottom of the sheet.

Edited March 30, 2022 by Ken Dryden

[GA Russell]

When my son graduated from high school, he had to give a speech. He began by reading from his prepared text.

'I want to talk about my mother and the wonderful influence she has had on my life,' he told the audience. 'She is a shining example of parenthood, and I love her more than words could ever do justice.'

At this point he seemed to struggle for words. He looked up and said, 'Sorry, but it's really hard to read my mother's handwriting.'

[GA Russell]

"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.

"How do you know?" the friend asked.

"She didn't come home last night.  When I asked her where she'd been, she said that she had spent the night with her sister Shirley."

"So?"

"So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley."

[GA Russell]

"Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too."

"Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?"

"A judge told him."

[Ken Dryden]

There was a woman in a small town who was a horrible gossip. She saw that a workman who took his wheelbarrow back and forth to work would leave it for extended periods outside of a bar for hours after work and proceded to share her gossip about it with everyone.

After word got back to the worker, he took his wheelbarrow to her house and left it there overnight.

[GA Russell]

If money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?

Why do caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?

When lightning strikes the ocean, why don't all the fish die?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why do we sing "Rock a bye baby" to lull a baby to sleep, when the song is about putting your baby in a tree and letting the wind crash the cradle onto the ground?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag, and put garments in a suitcase?

 

[GA Russell]

My boss told me to have a good day, so i went home.

[The Magnificent Goldberg]

11 hours ago, GA Russell said:

My boss told me to have a good day, so i went home.

Great one-liner!!!!!!

MG

[GA Russell]

16 hours ago, The Magnificent Goldberg said:

Great one-liner!!!!!!

MG

Thanks, MG!  Great to see you back.

*****

As a kid, I got lectured to for only doing the bare minimum to complete a task.

As an engineer, I get paid to do just that.
 

[GA Russell]

A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant eating lunch. He opened a letter he had received that morning from his mom.

As he opened it, a twenty-dollar bill fell out. He thought to himself, Thanks, Mom, I sure needed that right now. 

As he finished his meal, he noticed a beggar outside on the sidewalk leaning against the light post. Thinking that the poor man could probably use the twenty dollars more than he would, he crossed out the names on the envelope, and wrote across the top in large letters, PERSEVERE! 

So as not to make a scene, he put the envelope under his arm and dropped it as he walked past the man. The man picked it up, read the message and smiled.

The next day, as the pastor was enjoying his lunch, the same man tapped him on the shoulder, and handed him a big wad of bills. Surprised, the pastor asked him what it was for. 

He replied, “This is your half of the winnings. Persevere won the fourth race yesterday, and paid thirty to one.”
 

[Ken Dryden]

8 hours ago, GA Russell said:

A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant eating lunch. He opened a letter he had received that morning from his mom.

As he opened it, a twenty-dollar bill fell out. He thought to himself, Thanks, Mom, I sure needed that right now. 

As he finished his meal, he noticed a beggar outside on the sidewalk leaning against the light post. Thinking that the poor man could probably use the twenty dollars more than he would, he crossed out the names on the envelope, and wrote across the top in large letters, PERSEVERE! 

So as not to make a scene, he put the envelope under his arm and dropped it as he walked past the man. The man picked it up, read the message and smiled.

The next day, as the pastor was enjoying his lunch, the same man tapped him on the shoulder, and handed him a big wad of bills. Surprised, the pastor asked him what it was for. 

He replied, “This is your half of the winnings. Persevere won the fourth race yesterday, and paid thirty to one.”
 

Love it!

That sure beats the pastor in this story:

A man in a pastor's congregation cam up to him after the service and told him, "That was one hell of a sermon, pastor!"

The pastor replied, "Thank you for your compliment, but I wish you wouldn't use such language."

The church member explained, "But pastor, it was such a hell of a good sermon, that I put a $100 bill in the collection plate!"

The pastor responded, "The hell you did!"