Joke of the Day

[GA Russell]

I work for myself, which is fun. 

Except when I call in sick, I know I'm lying.

[JSngry]

2 hours ago, GA Russell said:

I work for myself, which is fun. 

Except when I call in sick, I know I'm lying.

You need to document that shit then!

[GA Russell]

I just did my taxes, and I'm getting back $150,000.

And people say you can't do your own taxes.

[Rooster_Ties]

This time tomorrow, it won’t be this time tomorrow.

(Maybe only those of us here in the US who see this before tomorrow will get it.)

[GA Russell]

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.  

They have experienced pain, and have bought jewelry.

[JSngry]

Rita Rudner again!

23 hours ago, Rooster_Ties said:

This time tomorrow, it won’t be this time tomorrow.

Dammit, every time I look for this time tomorrow, it's just today.

Got any tips?

[GA Russell]

Sage advice:  I always find money in pay phones. 

If I bring a screwdriver.

(There's an oldie!)

[GA Russell]

Remember Slinky?

Minutes of fun. Unfortunately, I grew up living in a one-story house.

(I gave my four-year-old nephew a Slinky for Christmas!)

[Ken Dryden]

At the Jazz Journalist Awards show one year, Soupy Sales was a guest host. He said he was in a self-help group, “Sex Without Partners.”

[medjuck]

1 minute ago, Ken Dryden said:

At the Jazz Journalist Awards show one year, Soupy Sales was a guest host. He said he was in a self-help group, “Sex Without Partners.”

IIRC (and I often don't)  the only known footage of Brownie is from the Soupy Sales show.  Perhaps that's why they invited him. 

[BillF]

Several members of the Les Brown band were in a restaurant sometime around 1948. One of them asked the waitress for the cherry pie on the menu. She said, "I'm sorry, it's gone." "Crazy," he said, "bring me two pieces." (From Gene Lees, "The Mask: Shorty Pederstein")

[Ken Dryden]

That reminds me of a joke about a woman in an ice cream shop that will be appreciated by anyone who has ever worked in retail.

i used to joke that people didn’t or wouldn’t read signs unless they contained one of three words: Free, nude or sex.

 

[JSngry]

....looks like you blew a seal.

That's ice cream, I swear!

[GA Russell]

They say that women love a man in uniform.

It's true. The uniform sends the message that he has a job.

Edited March 18, 2022 by GA Russell

[Ken Dryden]

My older cousin served three years in the Army during the Vietnam war. He described a situation in boot camp where the drill sargeant was harassing the men excessively. He got into one soldier's face and said with a grin, "I bet you'd like to piss on my grave."

The recruit responded, "No sir! After I get out of the Army, I'm never standing in line for anything!"

Patient to psychiatrist: "My doctor sent me to see you, he thinks I have kleptomania."

Psychiatrist to patient: "What are you taking for it?"

Edited March 18, 2022 by Ken Dryden

[BillF]

9 hours ago, Ken Dryden said:

That reminds me of a joke about a woman in an ice cream shop that will be appreciated by anyone who has ever worked in retail.

i used to joke that people didn’t or wouldn’t read signs unless they contained one of three words: Free, nude or sex.

 

Reminds me that in this country in the1960s it was said that for big sales a newspaper headline had to mention nudity, hippies, religion, drugs and sex and that the ultimate headline was Nude Hippies in Church Drugs Orgy. 

[JSngry]

10 hours ago, Ken Dryden said:

My older cousin served three years in the Army during the Vietnam war. He described a situation in boot camp where the drill sargeant was harassing the men excessively. He got into one soldier's face as said with a grin, "I bet you'd like to piss on my grave."

The recruit responded, "No sir! After I get out of the Army, I'm never standing in line for anything!"

That's a good one!

[Ken Dryden]

5 hours ago, BillF said:

Reminds me that in this country in the1960s it was said that for big sales a newspaper headline had to mention nudity, hippies, religion, drugs and sex and that the ultimate headline was Nude Hippies in Church Drugs Orgy. 

😆

[GA Russell]

For Christmas I got a vacuum cleaner. I was drunk when I assembled it.

Now it's an indoor leaf blower.

[GA Russell]

 I hear voices in my head.

I don't worry about it because that's where my ears are.

[GA Russell]

Wives are people who think that it's against the law to not answer the phone when it rings.

[JSngry]

Rita Rudner loves you!!!

[Ken Dryden]

My wife's spending iso much that I'm able to itemize the sales tax paid last year to save on income tax. 

Hope she doesn't get the idea that it is even better to save more by spending even more in 2022.

[GA Russell]

You know you are getting fat when you get in the bathtub, and the water rises in the toilet.

[BillF]

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a large beer and a mop.