Joke of the Day

[JSngry]

16 minutes ago, GA Russell said:

A poll showed that two out of five men would rather have love than money or health.

Yeah, that's what a woman wants.  A broke sick guy.

If 40% of the women want 40% of the men, it should work out, right?

But things never work out like that, do they...

[GA Russell]

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

[GA Russell]

They say marriages are made in heaven.

So are thunder and lightning.

[GA Russell]

I saw on this nature show on TV how the male elk douses himself with urine to smell sweeter to the opposite sex. 

What a coincidence!

[GA Russell]

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

[GA Russell]

My neighbors love me for playing the piano. 

They break my window to hear me better.

[GA Russell]

A recent police study showed that you are much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

Edited February 17, 2022 by GA Russell

[GA Russell]

A hooker told me she would do anything for $50. 

I said, "Paint my house."

[Ken Dryden]

True story: I used to go to Weight Watchers, but I quit a short time before they closed that location. It was replaced by the Gastric Bypass Institute and French doors were added.

Warden to prisoner in the electric chair: "Do you have any last requests?"

Prisoner: "Yeah, hold my hand."

_______

A prisoner is being led from a fort for a couple of miles in a driving rainstorm over rocky ground with fallen timber. The prisoner is complaining to one of the soldiers, "You are terrible brutes marching me so far through this forest in this weather just to shoot me."

The soldier replies, "What are you complaining about? We have to march back in these conditions."

 

Edited February 21, 2022 by Ken Dryden

[JSngry]

51 minutes ago, GA Russell said:

A hooker told me she would do anything for $50. 

I said, "Paint my house."

If that includes paint, that's a good deal.

[GA Russell]

Maybe just once someone will call me "sir" without adding "you're making a scene."

[GA Russell]

In this country, you're guilty until proven wealthy.

[GA Russell]

Having children gives your life purpose.

Right now, my purpose is to get some sleep.

[GA Russell]

When a cop arrests a mime, does he tell him he has the right to remain silent?

[Rooster_Ties]

39 minutes ago, GA Russell said:

When a cop arrests a mime, does he tell him he has the right to remain silent?

[GA Russell]

I wouldn't mind paying taxes, if I knew they were going to a friendly country.

[JSngry]

Dick Gregory in the house!

[GA Russell]

I went on a date recently, and I took her horseback riding.  

That was kind of fun until I ran out of quarters.

[JSngry]

https://www.thepinehillranch.com/horsing-around-a-fun-date-night-idea/

[Ken Dryden]

Artist to female model: Shall I paint you in the nude?

Model: No, I insist that you wear your smock.

[GA Russell]

When I was a boy I only had two friends, and they were imaginary.

And they would only play with each other.

[JSngry]

Rita Rudner has skills!

[GA Russell]

Did you hear about the Newfie who was killed while ice fishing?

He got run over by the zamboni.

[Ken Dryden]

Judge: Have you been up before me?

Prisoner: I don’t know, what time do you get up?

 

Woman to her husband’s psychiatrist: My husband thinks he’s a refrigerator.

Doctor: You shouldn’t worry, that seems harmless.

Woman: But he sleeps with his mouth open and the little light keeps me awake.

 

 

[BillF]

3 hours ago, Ken Dryden said:

 

 

Woman to her husband’s psychiatrist: My husband thinks he’s a refrigerator.

Doctor: You shouldn’t worry, that seems harmless.

Woman: But he sleeps with his mouth open and the little light keeps me awake.