Joke of the Day

[Serioza]

There are three men on a boat. A Serb, a Bulgarian, and an Arnaut. Sea monster shows up and tells them that he will kill them if they can't throw something he can't find into the ocean. The Arnaut throws in a grain of rice. Sea monster dives in  and comes back with the rice after a few hours. He kills the Arnaut. The Serb throws a grain of sand into the ocean. After a few days, sea monster retrieves it and kills the Serb.

Sea monster looks expectantly at the Bulgarian, who then proceeds to throw an Alka-Seltzer into the ocean.

[GA Russell]

You moon the wrong person at an office party, and suddenly you're not professional anymore.

[GA Russell]

Oh, you hate your job. Why didn't you say so?  

There's a support group for that.  It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.

[JSngry]

1 hour ago, GA Russell said:

Oh, you hate your job. Why didn't you say so?  

There's a support group for that.  It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.

That's not funny, that's enabling!

[GA Russell]

What is it about people who repair shoes that makes them so good at cutting keys?

Edited February 2, 2022 by GA Russell

[Rooster_Ties]

2 hours ago, GA Russell said:

What is it about people who repair shoes that makes them so good at cutting keys?

That’s a certifiable Andy Rooneyism right there.

[Ken Dryden]

The local forensic center has a dead end sign behind it.

[BillF]

Joke told by actress Maureen Lipman:

Three men arrive at the pearly gates and St Peter asks the first "What did you earn when you were on earth?"

- "200K"

- "Go and sit over there with the lawyers."

To the second man he asks the same.

-"100K"

"Go and sit over there with the accountants."

To the same question the third man answers "15K".

St Peter exclaims, "Wonderful! Have I seen you in anything?"

[GA Russell]

My parents didn't want to move to Florida; but they turned sixty, and that's the law.

[GA Russell]

 An old friend will help you move.

A good friend will help you move a dead body.

[JSngry]

28 minutes ago, GA Russell said:

A good friend will help you move a dead body.

And a good feral hog will remove it.

Finish the job or don't start it at all, that's what I always say.

[GA Russell]

Ability is what will get you to the top, if the boss doesn't have a daughter.

[GA Russell]

If you want to know how old a woman is, just ask her sister-in-law.

[GA Russell]

Rice is great when you're hungry and want 2,000 of something.

[Rooster_Ties]

9 minutes ago, GA Russell said:

Rice is great when you're hungry and want 2,000 of something.

That sounds like a Mitch Hedberg joke.

I mean, it is a Mitch Hedberg joke, but it sounds like one too. 

[JSngry]

What, these aren't original compositions?

[GA Russell]

I had to look Mitch Hedberg up.

[GA Russell]

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

[JSngry]

Because they play the stock market instead? 

[Dan Gould]

Well for one thing, "you got to be in it to win it," as the old ads used to say, and the cost of admission is $1-2 vs a helluva lot more, to win the same money trading stocks. Unless, you know, there's a $2 share of stock you can buy that will magically turn into $200 million.

 

 

[GA Russell]

Why do people say, "Life is short?"

Life is the longest thing anyone ever does. What can you do that's longer?

[JSngry]

Live in your eternal non-earthjy plane?

[Chuck Nessa]

25 minutes ago, JSngry said:

Live in your eternal non-earthjy plane?

[JSngry]

Goodness gracious great balsa flyer! 

[GA Russell]

A poll showed that two out of five men would rather have love than money or health.

Yeah, that's what a woman wants.  A broke sick guy.