Joke of the Day

[JSngry]

28 minutes ago, Dan Gould said:

You need both to be inexperienced...

Nah. Just one. 

Or neither. You could also do a Covid-era joke (expiration date soon?) and yeah, we're so stupified that one of us is thinking about sex and the other is thinking sex, and blah blah blah.

Not as funny imo, but the punchline fits into various constructs. That's where the art and skill of comedy comes into play. The greats can find a way to make it move. The hacks just repeat it as nauseum 

 

1 minute ago, Dan Gould said:

They are in a restaurant and he says this?  I am still not getting your retooling.

They're having dinner and she is viewing this as a chance to talk about something that's "been on her mind", so she's been trying to steer the conversation, and he...may or may not be picking up on it. She thinks he is. They're both looking at menus while they're talking, and finally he looks up and says, so...what do you want? And there you are.

I truly envy you if you've never seen this movie.

[GA Russell]

An elderly man was at the doctor's office for an exam.

Elderly man: "Last week I had sex with a 28-year-old woman."

Doctor: "Why are you telling me this?"

Elderly man: "I'm telling everyone."

[GA Russell]

An Irishman is sitting in a pub. In the same pub are three Englishmen.

"Look how angry I'm going to make this Irishman," says one of the Englishmen. He goes up to the Irishman and says, "Saint Patrick was an asshole."

"Oh my," says the Irishman. "I didn't know."

The Englishman returns to his friends, disappointed. "Let me try," says one of his friends. He in turn goes up to the Irishman and says, "Saint Patrick was a coward, a liar and a thief."

"Oh really?" says the Irishman. "I didn't know."

The Englishmen are disappointed. "I have an idea," says the third one. "You'll see how angry he'll get."

He goes up to the Irishman and says, "Saint Patrick was English."

"Yes, I know," says the Irishman. "Your friends have already explained it to me."

[GA Russell]

A man was at the Metropolitan Museum of Art fashion night, and spotted an elderly woman, very thin and wearing a ginormous diamond pendant around her neck.

The man was so intrigued with the gem that he walked over to the elderly woman, and complimented her on her beautiful possession: “Excuse me, madam,” he said, “That is the most beautiful diamond I have ever seen.”

The woman replied: “Thank you! It’s the Klopman Diamond. But it comes with a curse!”

The man is intrigued, and asks, “A curse? What is the curse?”

She replied, “Mr. Klopman.”

*****

A man comes into a hospital with a broken leg. The attending physician asks, “How did this happen?”

“Well,” says the man, “twenty two years ago….”

“Wait,“ says the doctor.  “What could something that happened over twenty years ago have anything to do with your broken leg?”

The man says, “Twenty two years ago I was driving on a country road at night and my car broke down. I didn’t know what to do, and a farmer said that I could stay the night until I could get a mechanic or tow truck to come out the next day. In the middle of the night, the farmer’s daughter came to my bedroom, and asked if there was anything I needed. ‘No,’ I said, ‘I don’t really need anything.’ She said, ‘Are you sure there isn’t anything I can do for you?’ ‘No thanks,’ I said, ‘I’m doing fine.’ This morning I realized what she meant, and I fell off my roof.”

[GA Russell]

Mrs. McDougal, an older Irish woman, goes in to see the doctor. She had seldom ever been to see a doctor before. After a bit of conversation and background info, the doctor told her to come back the next morning at 10:00 with a specimen.

Mrs. McDougal shows up at 10 the next morning looking like she had been dragged a quarter mile behind a farm tractor. The doctor asked her what in the world had happened.

She said, “Well, Doc, you told me to bring in a specimen this morning. I didn’t know what that meant, but was too embarrassed to ask.  So, on the way home, I see Mrs. McTavish. I says to her, ‘McTavish, the doc says to bring in a specimen. What does that mean’?”

“She says, ‘Go piss in a bottle.’”

“I says, ‘Go shit in your hat!’.

“And the fight was on.”

[GA Russell]

I went to the store the other day, and guess what was on sale ($2.00 off)!  

I'm having it for dinner tonight tonight.

[soulpope]

Most jokes state a bitter truth (Larry Gelbart) ....

[Stompin at the Savoy]