Joke of the Day

[GA Russell]

My neighbor just ran over here crying hysterically. I said, “Oh my, what’s wrong?”

He said he just got a call from his doctor with his medical test results. The doctor told him, “Well, I have bad news, and then I have worse news.”

My neighbor said, “Oh my God, that sounds terrible! What’s the bad news?”

The doctor replied, “Your test results came back, and said you only have 24 hours to live.”

My neighbor broke down crying and said, “That’s horrible!! What could possibly be worse news than that!?”

The doctor responded, “I was supposed to call you yesterday.”

[Ken Dryden]

7 hours ago, GA Russell said:

My neighbor just ran over here crying hysterically. I said, “Oh my, what’s wrong?”

He said he just got a call from his doctor with his medical test results. The doctor told him, “Well, I have bad news, and then I have worse news.”

My neighbor said, “Oh my God, that sounds terrible! What’s the bad news?”

The doctor replied, “Your test results came back, and said you only have 24 hours to live.”

My neighbor broke down crying and said, “That’s horrible!! What could possibly be worse news than that!?”

The doctor responded, “I was supposed to call you yesterday.”

LOL!

[GA Russell]

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'

'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

Says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fuckin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'

[JSngry]

4 hours ago, GA Russell said:

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'

'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

Says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fuckin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'

Is this a joke about drunken Irish bravado or French cowardice!

[Ken Dryden]

“How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?” 
 

“Who knows? It’s never been tried.”

[JSngry]

Hmmm....

What are we going to do with all our jokes when we die? Our kids don't want them, the libraries won't take them, maybe we should throw them all in the dumpster?

[bogdan101]

Two older gentlemen have fished by the same stretch of river year in year out, every day without fail. Then one day one of them does not appear. The following day things are back to normal, both men sitting there together.
"I missed you yesterday. Where were you, were you ill?"
"Nope, not ill. I got married."
"Married? My goodness, she must be a real beauty for you to miss a day of fishing."
"No, not really, most people describe her as ugly as sin."
"Oh. OK, well she must be a real kind lady for you to miss a day of fishing."
"I don't think so. She appears to have very few friends. Her family has disowned her, none of them turned up at the wedding."
"Oh. Well, she must be a quiet, gentle soul for you to miss a day of fishing for her."
"Not really, all the people who do know her describe her as aggressive and cantankerous."
"Gosh. Well she must be a great cook for you to miss a day of fishing for her."
"Can't cook. She can't even make beans on toast."
"Is she great in the sack, then? She must be for you to miss a day of fishing."
"I don't know. We’ve agreed to sleep in separate rooms at opposite ends of the house."
"Well, then, surely she's loaded? She must at least be rich for you to miss a day of fishing."
"Oddly enough she's penniless, and I had to agree to pay off all her debts."
"Good grief, man! So what is it about this woman? It must be something for you to miss a day of fishing."
"She's got worms."

[GA Russell]

Mr. Smith, who is 95, goes to the doctor for his annual check up. The doctor suggests that he get exercise. He tells the doctor that he likes to play golf. But because of his eyes, he can no longer see where he hits the ball.

The doctor suggests he get in touch with Mr. Jones, who is also 95. He tells him, “Mr. Jones has the eyes of an eagle. He can see for miles and miles.”

So Mr. Smith gets in touch with Mr. Jones, and makes an appointment to play golf.

When they get to the golf course, Mr. Smith gets up to the tee, and asks Mr. Jones if he will watch the ball to see where it goes. He asks, “Are you sure you can see where I will hit my ball?” Mr. Jones replies, “Of course I can see where you hit the ball. I have the eyes of an eagle. I can see for miles and miles.”

Mr. Smith hits the ball. He asks Mr. Jones if he saw where he hit the ball. Mr. Jones says, “Of course I saw where you hit the ball. I told you I have the eyes of an eagle. I can see for miles and miles."

Mr. Smith then asks, “Where is my golf ball?"

Mr. Jones replies, “I forget.”

[GA Russell]

Dave Allen told this story:

I was at a dinner party in a hotel dining room and I told a short joke about how the Pope took away the steps to all of the urinals to keep the Bishops hopping. Everyone at the table laughed except for one woman.

Later in the evening, I took the opportunity to quietly tell her, “I’m really very sorry if my joke offended you”. She looked at me seriously and told me curtly “I wasn’t offended, I just didn’t understand it”.

I thought for a few seconds, and realized “Ah. URINALS. You don’t know what those are”.

Her response: “Of course I don’t know what those are! I’m not Catholic!”

[Ken Dryden]

That's a variation of an old joke where a Catholic priest with his arm in a cast and sling encounters two hillbilly boys. The priest is embarrassed and explains to them, "I fell in the bath tub." The first asks his friend after the priest passes by, "Jethro, what's a bath tub?" Jethro responds, "I don't know, Joe, I ain't Catholic."

 

 

[GA Russell]

A guy has been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day a plane spots him, and they send a boat to rescue him. The boat pulls into the cove, the guy hops on board, and the boat heads back out to sea.

On the way out of the cove, the captain says to the guy, “Hey, I see three buildings near the beach. Why three buildings? What are they for?”

The guy says, “Well, the one in the center is my home.”

The captain then says, “Well, what about the building on the right?”

The guy says, “That’s my church.”

The captain replies again, “Well, what about the building on the left?”

The guy says, “Oh, that’s the church I used to go to.”

[GA Russell]

A Chinese couple making love. 

She is a daughter of a restaurant owner. He is not very happy, so she says, "My darling, I promise you, I will give you anything you want, I'll do anything - just anything you want. What do you want?" she asks.

A thoughtful silence follows, and she waits patiently (and eagerly) for his request.

He eventually replies shyly and unsurely, "I want...69."

Now she is caught up in thoughtful silence. In a puzzled tone she asks, "You want...beef with broccoli?"

[Dan Gould]

2 hours ago, GA Russell said:

A Chinese couple making love. 

She is a daughter of a restaurant owner. He is not very happy, so she says, "My darling, I promise you, I will give you anything you want, I'll do anything - just anything you want. What do you want?" she asks.

A thoughtful silence follows, and she waits patiently (and eagerly) for his request.

He eventually replies shyly and unsurely, "I want...69."

Now she is caught up in thoughtful silence. In a puzzled tone she asks, "You want...beef with broccoli?"

Not bad GA but when I use it I gotta make some alterations to the set up.

[GA Russell]

6 hours ago, Dan Gould said:

Not bad GA but when I use it I gotta make some alterations to the set up.

What do you have in mind, Dan?

[Dan Gould]

16 minutes ago, GA Russell said:

What do you have in mind, Dan?

I would tell it this way:

Two life long friends emigrated from China to the US, and one started a dry cleaning business and the other opened a Chinese restaurant. They had traditional values and so when the time came, the two men decided that the daughter of the restauranteur would marry the son of the dry cleaner.

On their wedding night there was a bit of fumbling hesitancy, and the daughter, having been told by her mother that a good Chinese wife would do anything in bed for her husband so she told him, "honey, I love you and will do anything you want to do ... what is it you want?"

He said sheepishly "I want ... 69?"

Now she looks sheepish and says "... you want beef with brocolli?"

 

Alternate punch line (I think its funny but will understand if you say it doesn't really work):

Switch the genders and she says "i want ... 69" and he looks confused and says:

"You want Fluff/Fold/Press Same Day?"

[GA Russell]

Those are great, Dan!

[sonnymax]

Great? How about totally unsurprising? Yeah, I'll go with that.

[Dan Gould]

44 minutes ago, GA Russell said:

Those are great, Dan!

I wasn't sure the dry cleaner twist made sense the same way that "69" or "#69" does in context of someone who works at a Chinese restaurant.

[JSngry]

Mickey Rooney?

[JSngry]

It's a great punchline, but the setup is hoary,antiquated, and desperate need of a basic retooling.

The classics never go out of style, but clothes do.j

It could well be recast to be told by a young woman who is frustrated by her sweet but clueless boyfriend. They could be having dinner and she could be trying to delicately, but futilely, broach the subject of intimacy.

That's the premise, and we already have the payoff. From there, it's up to the skill and imagination of the writer and/or performer to build it into a good bit.

 

[Dan Gould]

7 minutes ago, JSngry said:

It's a great punchline, but the setup is hoary,antiquated, and desperate need of a basic retooling.

The classics never go out of style, but clothes do.j

It could well be recast to be told by a young woman who is frustrated by her sweet but clueless boyfriend. They could be having dinner and she could be trying to delicately, but futilely, broach the subject of intimacy.

That's the premise, and we already have the payoff. From there, it's up to the skill and imagination of the writer and/or performer to build it into a good bit.

 

Your setup makes no sense if she replies to the suggestion of 69 by naming a menu dish, if she is the frustrated one. She knows what 69 is then.

You need both to be inexperienced which is why I rewrote it that way.

[sonnymax]

1 hour ago, JSngry said:

Mickey Rooney?

Yep

6 minutes ago, JSngry said:

It's a great punchline, but the setup is hoary, antiquated, and desperate need of a basic retooling...

Is that the same as ignorant, racist and unwanted? 

[sonnymax]

In case I'm accused of being woke and humorless, I offer this:

A newly married man wants to know if his bride is a virgin. He drops his pants and points to his penis, asking her, “Honey, what do you call this?” She replies, “That’s a wee-wee.” Satisfied with his wife’s ignorance, he corrects her saying, “No honey, this is a cock.” His wife takes another look and says, “Darling, I’ve seen a lot of cocks, and that thing is definitely a wee-wee.

[JSngry]

15 minutes ago, Dan Gould said:

Your setup makes no sense if she replies to the suggestion of 69 by naming a menu dish, if she is the frustrated one. She knows what 69 is then.

You need both to be inexperienced which is why I rewrote it that way.

No, he asks her what she wants. Meaning food. She replies, perhaps after a pause, 69, meaning sex. He then goes straight to the menu because he's, you know, loveable but clueless.

 

20 minutes ago, sonnymax said:

Yep

Is that the same as ignorant, racist and unwanted? 

Not the same as, but running with the same shoes, yeah.

Buddy Hackett had some great jokes, but there's a reason you don't hear them in general circulation today the way that he told them. A lot of people just don't want that these days.

The market speaks.

8 minutes ago, sonnymax said:

In case I'm accused of being woke and humorless, I offer this:

A newly married man wants to know if his bride is a virgin. He drops his pants and points to his penis, asking her, “Honey, what do you call this?” She replies, “That’s a wee-wee.” Satisfied with his wife’s ignorance, he corrects her saying, “No honey, this is a cock.” His wife takes another look and says, “Darling, I’ve seen a lot of cocks, and that thing is definitely a wee-wee.

Now that's funny as is!

[Dan Gould]

17 minutes ago, JSngry said:

No, he asks her what she wants. Meaning food. She replies, perhaps after a pause, 69, meaning sex. He then goes straight to the menu because he's, you know, loveable but clueless.

 

 

They are in a restaurant and he says this?  I am still not getting your retooling.