Joke of the Day

[GA Russell]

A German Shepherd, a Doberman, and a cat have died.

All three are faced with God who wants to know what they believe in.

The German shepherd says: "I believe in discipline training and loyalty to my master."

"Good," says God. "Then sit down on my right side. Doberman, what do you believe in?"

The Doberman answers: "I believe in the love, care, and protection of my master."

Ah," says God. "You may sit to my left."

Then he looks at the cat and asks, "And what do you believe in?"

The cat answers: "I believe you're sitting in my seat."

[GA Russell]

A lawyer is talking to an elderly couple seated in his office.

“You’ve been married for over 70 years! Why on earth do you want to get divorced now??”

The old lady responds “We wanted to wait until the kids were dead.”

[Ken Dryden]

After running across an old obituary for one of my Tulane history professors, I recalled a joke he shared in class. Years earlier, he had a young co-ed, Miss Minor, in a class, where he shared a joke about Paul Revere's famous ride.

Dr. Esthus said, "You are aware of Paul Revere's famous ride. He rode up to the first house and shouted the alarm. A light appeared as a woman came to the window. 'Is your husband at home?' 'Yes!' 'Tell him the British are coming.' He went to the next home and a woman appeared and he asked, 'Is your husband at home?' 'Yes!' 'Tell him the British are coming.' He rode to the next home and a woman appeared and he asked, 'Is your husband at home?' 'No.' 'Whoa!'" 

At that point, the co-ed, Miss Minor, wanted to share her knowledge that Revere was arrested by the British before completing his ride and she shouted out, "Dr. Esthus, do you know that he didn't go all the way?"

It always got a roar, even if some of his other jokes were lame and one of his monotone lectures actually put a good friend to sleep for a few minutes next to me in the front row. I still remember the 1950s sportcoats and narrow short ties he wore, like he could have been a walk on in a 1950s sitcom.

[Dan Gould]

I had a history/ancient Civ teacher in high school, real hard-ass that kids joked about but he really brought the material to life and I enjoyed his classes.  Wish I could think of his name ... 

He had one go-to line I can never forget. Whenever some ancient ruler executed an enemy or slaughtered a captured army, it was " and that's one way to ...  get a head." 

Edited April 29 by Dan Gould

[GA Russell]

[Rooster_Ties]

 

[Dan Gould]

Better use of the "it's funny with swear words" theory:

https://www.theonion.com/sony-releases-new-stupid-piece-of-shit-that-doesnt-fuck-1819594774

BTW the Onion must be really hard up for cash.  Under three minutes of video and two commercial interruptions so far. SAD!

Edited April 30 by Dan Gould

[GA Russell]

A rich art dealer is obsessed with paintings of Lenin, and he has made his life's goal to buy every single genuine piece of art that has the figure of Lenin no matter who the artist is or what the cost.

After decades of searching and buying, he is proud to say he has in his vault every single art item picturing Lenin apart from one, a painting called “Lenin in Paris” from an insignificant Soviet artist contemporary to Lenin, that was lost a little time after Lenin’s death.

His passion is so wild that he turns the whole world upsidedown to find the valuable painting; and he does, in a small village in Siberia.  He sends his people to buy the painting no matter what the cost. He sends an insane amount to the owner, and travels to the village to take the painting back to his home himself.

He enters the villagers house, and asks with impatience, “Where is it?  Where is it?” The villager shows him a covered painting which he carefully uncovers in order to admire the masterpiece.

The painting shows a black gentleman in flagrante delicto with a blonde lady. Baffled, he asks the villager “What is this? Who is this woman?”

The villager responds, “Ah, that is Lenin’s wife.”

“WHAT? And where is Lenin?”

“In Paris.”

[JSngry]

[Ken Dryden]

19 hours ago, GA Russell said:

A rich art dealer is obsessed with paintings of Lenin, and he has made his life's goal to buy every single genuine piece of art that has the figure of Lenin no matter who the artist is or what the cost.

After decades of searching and buying, he is proud to say he has in his vault every single art item picturing Lenin apart from one, a painting called “Lenin in Paris” from an insignificant Soviet artist contemporary to Lenin, that was lost a little time after Lenin’s death.

His passion is so wild that he turns the whole world upsidedown to find the valuable painting; and he does, in a small village in Siberia.  He sends his people to buy the painting no matter what the cost. He sends an insane amount to the owner, and travels to the village to take the painting back to his home himself.

He enters the villagers house, and asks with impatience, “Where is it?  Where is it?” The villager shows him a covered painting which he carefully uncovers in order to admire the masterpiece.

The painting shows a black gentleman in flagrante delicto with a blonde lady. Baffled, he asks the villager “What is this? Who is this woman?”

The villager responds, “Ah, that is Lenin’s wife.”

“WHAT? And where is Lenin?”

“In Paris.”

What a scream!

[rostasi]

[JSngry]

I can't stop laughing!!!

[GA Russell]

[Dan Gould]

A single panel comic I had saved years ago but can't find anywhere here or online, so here goes:

Man behind a desk, the nameplate says "Loan Officer". Sign on wall says "We never say 'no'!"

He's telling the man on the other side of the desk,, "F*ck you!"

[Ken Dryden]

I remember a cartoon featuring two centaurs waiting out a thunderstorm in a cave with one saying, “Ain’t a fit night out for man and/or beast…”

[GA Russell]

A police officer was driving down the road, and he saw a man driving along with penguins in the back seat.

So he pulled the guy over, and told him that he couldn’t have the penguins there, and would have to bring them to the zoo.

He said okay and drove off.

The next day the police officer saw the same man driving along with the penguins in the back seat, but today the penguins are wearing sunglasses.

So he pulled the guy over again, and said to the man, "Sir, I told you yesterday that you would have to bring the penguins to the zoo."

The man said, "I did officer, but today I’m taking them to the beach."

[Dmitry]

On 5/18/2024 at 5:52 PM, GA Russell said:

A rich art dealer is obsessed with paintings of Lenin, and he has made his life's goal to buy every single genuine piece of art that has the figure of Lenin no matter who the artist is or what the cost.

After decades of searching and buying, he is proud to say he has in his vault every single art item picturing Lenin apart from one, a painting called “Lenin in Paris” from an insignificant Soviet artist contemporary to Lenin, that was lost a little time after Lenin’s death.

His passion is so wild that he turns the whole world upsidedown to find the valuable painting; and he does, in a small village in Siberia.  He sends his people to buy the painting no matter what the cost. He sends an insane amount to the owner, and travels to the village to take the painting back to his home himself.

He enters the villagers house, and asks with impatience, “Where is it?  Where is it?” The villager shows him a covered painting which he carefully uncovers in order to admire the masterpiece.

The painting shows a black gentleman in flagrante delicto with a blonde lady. Baffled, he asks the villager “What is this? Who is this woman?”

The villager responds, “Ah, that is Lenin’s wife.”

“WHAT? And where is Lenin?”

“In Paris.”

That’s actually a not so bad  interpretation of an old Soviet “anecdote” (what you call “a joke” in English). Except I think you could cut it drastically, and make it funnier. I would do it like this:

A scene in a Soviet art museum. Painting of a haystack, with two sets of feet sticking out of it. The museum docent says to the group of workers:”Here we see comrade Stalin and comrade Krupskaya in Siberian exile, discussing the works of Lenin. It’s titled “Lenin in Paris”. An inquisitive proletarian opines:”But I don’t see comrade Lenin.” The docent replies, patiently:”Lenin is in Paris.”

Edited May 31 by Dmitry

[JSngry]

20 minutes ago, Dmitry said:

That’s actually a not so bad  interpretation of an old Soviet “anecdote” (what you call “a joke” in English). Except I think you could cut it drastically, and make it funnier. I would do it like this:

A scene in a Soviet art museum. Painting of a haystack, with two sets of feet sticking out of it. The museum docent says to the group of workers:”Here we see comrade Stalin and comrade Krupskaya in Siberian exile, discussing the works of Lenin. It’s titled “Lenin in Paris”. An inquisitive proletarian opines:”But I don’t see comrade Lenin.” The docent replies, patiently:”Lenin is in Paris.”

But where's the implied interracial porn?

[Dmitry]

6 minutes ago, JSngry said:

But where's the implied interracial porn?

In Paris, where else?!

[JSngry]

[GA Russell]

A lady gave birth to identical twins. She named one of them Juan and the other Emol.

Through the years, when someone asked to see a picture of the twins, she invariably would only show a picture of one child.

This confused folks, and many would ask, "Why show just one picture when you have two children?"

She said, “When you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Emol!!”

[Coda]

A company manager is flying across the desert in a hot air balloon when he realizes he is lost. He calls down to a man riding a camel below him and asks where he is.

The man replies “You’re 42 degrees and 12 minutes, 21.2 seconds north, 122 degrees , 10 minutes west, 212 metres above sea level, heading due east by north east.”

“Thanks,” replies the balloonist. “By the way, are you a data analyst?”

“Yes,” replies the man, “how did you know?”

“Everything you told me was totally accurate, you gave me way more information than I needed and I still have no idea what I need to do.”

“I’m sorry,” replied the camel-riding analyst. “By the way, are you a company manager?”

“Yes,” said the balloonist, “how did you know?”

“Well,” replied the analyst, “You’ve got no idea where you are, no idea what direction you’re heading in, you got yourself into this fix by blowing a load of hot air, and now you expect me to get you out of it.”

[GA Russell]

Apparently a true story.

Years ago, the San Francisco Giants had a TV announcer named Gary Park. I remember watching a game in which a batter got a base hit through the right side of the infield because the second baseman left his position to cover second base when the baserunner on first was attempting to steal. Replays showed the ball being hit exactly to the spot where the second baseman was standing just prior to the pitch.

Park exclaimed, in a way which was understandable, but at the same time totally preposterous:

“That would have been a double play if no one was on base!”

[sgcim]

42 minutes ago, GA Russell said:

Apparently a true story.

Years ago, the San Francisco Giants had a TV announcer named Gary Park. I remember watching a game in which a batter got a base hit through the right side of the infield because the second baseman left his position to cover second base when the baserunner on first was attempting to steal. Replays showed the ball being hit exactly to the spot where the second baseman was standing just prior to the pitch.

Park exclaimed, in a way which was understandable, but at the same time totally preposterous:

“That would have been a double play if no one was on base!”

Sounds like something Yogi Berra would say in jest.

[JSngry]

or Jerry Coleman