Groucho quotes

[jazzbo]

Anyone who says he can see through women. . . is missing a lot.

Once I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

Edited March 5, 2014 by jazzbo

[GA Russell]

The teeth of an elephant are very hard to extract, except in Alabama where the Tuscaloosa.

(When told by a contestant on You Bet Your Life that he had six children...) I like my cigar, but I take it out every once in a while.

(Again, from You Bet Your Life...)

"And what do you do for a living?"

"Groucho, I'm a Fuller Brush salesman."

"You're Fuller WHAT?"

[kh1958]

Hey, you big bully, what's the idea of hitting that little bully?

[sonnymax]

"Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind her is his wife."

"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."

[crisp]

From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend to read it.

[paul secor]

"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early."

Edited March 5, 2014 by paul secor

[paul secor]

From a letter written to Warner Brothers, who had threatened to sue the Marx Brothers, who were about to make A Night in Casablanca. Warners had made Casablanca five years previously:

"I just don't understand your attitude. Even if you plan on re-releasing your picture, I am sure that the average movie fan could learn in time to distinguish between Ingrid Bergman and Harpo. I don't know whether I could, but I certainly would like to try."

[jlhoots]

Paraphrase - I wouldn't want to belong to a club that would have me as a member.

[thirdtry]

I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.

[paul secor]

"George (Jessel) is unquestionably the most relentless speechmaker of our time. ... He speaks at weddings, funerals, and bar mitzvahs. Speaking that often, it's only natural that he sometimes gets confused. On one occasion, he married a thirteen-year-old boy to a woman who had been dead for three days."

[paul secor]

A reported Groucho quote in a letter from Fred Allen to Groucho:

"you were quoted in the dining room of this inn as of yesterday.

a thyroid housewife, sitting behind me, said, 'it's like that funny story groucho marx told.'

the funny story turned out to be the one about the man who was saying grace in a low voice - somebody at the table said, 'i can't hear you.' the man said, 'I wasn't talking to you.'"

[paul secor]

I remember the first time I had sex. I kept the receipt.

[mikelz777]

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

[AllenLowe]

_{"I was kissing her because she reminded me of you; as a matter of fact YOU remind me of you; everything about you, except you, reminds me of you."}

_{"I'm proud to be your son."}

_{"Took the words right out of my mouth - I'm ashamed to be your father."}

Edited March 11, 2014 by AllenLowe