AllenLowe Posted December 30, 2010 Report Share Posted December 30, 2010 I want to take this opportuinity to announce that I have developed what I call "The Keith Jarrett Filter." It's an audio attachment involving 17 wires that you connect to both your HIFI set and your body and allows you to filter out his grunts and groans. One wire goes from the rca out jacks on your amp, 3 more to your left testicle, 8 more to your right ear, 4 to your left ear and one needs to be surgically attached to your left lung - this was all very scientifically developed and based on the frequencies reflected in Jarretts odd and gutteral gruntings - this filter can also be used for certain Bud Powell recordings, but at your own risk. price: $199.95 All major credit cards accepted we supply the nurse and doctor to wire you personally. Act now. Operators are standing by: 1-800-555-GNAD Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sidewinder Posted December 30, 2010 Report Share Posted December 30, 2010 I need DIN output instead of RCA. Can you supply? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikelz777 Posted December 30, 2010 Report Share Posted December 30, 2010 Lovely. The next thing we need for Mr. Jarrett is an ego rheostat and between the two we'd have the perfect jazz artist. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leeway Posted December 30, 2010 Report Share Posted December 30, 2010 Allen, Maybe you could devise one for Jarrett himself, to filter out all audience coughing, squinting, sneezing, breathing, and other bodily emanations that seem to disturb him so much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyJazz Posted December 30, 2010 Report Share Posted December 30, 2010 I want to take this opportuinity to announce that I have developed what I call "The Keith Jarrett Filter." It's an audio attachment involving 17 wires that you connect to both your HIFI set and your body and allows you to filter out his grunts and groans. One wire goes from the rca out jacks on your amp, 3 more to your left testicle, 8 more to your right ear, 4 to your left ear and one needs to be surgically attached to your left lung - this was all very scientifically developed and based on the frequencies reflected in Jarretts odd and gutteral gruntings - this filter can also be used for certain Bud Powell recordings, but at your own risk. price: $199.95 All major credit cards accepted we supply the nurse and doctor to wire you personally. Act now. Operators are standing by: 1-800-555-GNAD It works!!! I've just used it on a couple of Lionel Hampton and Errol Garner LPs and am totally satisfied. Will order another one for my brother who wants to filter out Kurt himself when he puts on an Elling disc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JSngry Posted December 30, 2010 Report Share Posted December 30, 2010 One wire goes from the rca out jacks on your amp, 3 more to your left testicle, This will be of little satisfaction to those who have already acted on their impulse to give their left nut to be able to hear Jarrett play w/o the groaning. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dan Gould Posted December 30, 2010 Report Share Posted December 30, 2010 One wire goes from the rca out jacks on your amp, 3 more to your left testicle, This will be of little satisfaction to those who have already acted on their impulse to give their left nut to be able to hear Jarrett play w/o the groaning. No warranty is expressed or implied. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave James Posted December 30, 2010 Report Share Posted December 30, 2010 Wow, this is great news. Too bad you couldn't get this to market before Christmas. I think you're going to sell a fair number of these, but think how many more units you could have moved if folks could have given them as gifts. One quick question. Is there any way the innards of your device can be adjusted to also filter out Oscar Peterson? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crisp Posted December 30, 2010 Report Share Posted December 30, 2010 I hope this is better than the device I had installed a couple of years ago. That eliminated Jarrett's piano playing and left the grunts and groans intact. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave James Posted December 30, 2010 Report Share Posted December 30, 2010 (edited) Allen's idea has gotten me thinking. It's one thing to be able to mask Jarrett's lamentations on a recording, but that leaves those who see him live in the lurch. I'm wondering if some sort of gadget might be developed that piggy backs on the original concept. Such a device could distributed to audience members at Keith Jarrett concerts to provide them with retaliatory control over both his obnoxious manners and mannerisms. Here's the kind of thing I have in mind as test driven by Cliff Claven on Cheers. Edited January 2, 2011 by Dave James Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jazzmoose Posted January 1, 2011 Report Share Posted January 1, 2011 It works!!! I've just used it on a couple of Lionel Hampton and Errol Garner LPs and am totally satisfied. Will order another one for my brother who wants to filter out Kurt himself when he puts on an Elling disc. Ah. I was wondering if it worked on Hampton! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikeweil Posted January 1, 2011 Report Share Posted January 1, 2011 (edited) I found a way of filtering Jarrett's piano playing and grunts many years ago, it's available for free, works perfectly and saves a lot of money once attached - and it does't negatively affect your nuts or any other parts ...But for those who prefer a more technological solution, Allan's device should be the way to go ... Edited January 1, 2011 by mikeweil Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyJazz Posted January 1, 2011 Report Share Posted January 1, 2011 I found a way of filtering Jarrett's piano playing and grunts many years ago, it's available for free, works perfectly and saves a lot of money once attached - and it does't negatively affect your nuts or any other parts ... But for those who prefer a more technological solution, Allan's device should be the way to go ... So what's your less technological solution? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leeway Posted January 1, 2011 Report Share Posted January 1, 2011 I found a way of filtering Jarrett's piano playing and grunts many years ago, it's available for free, works perfectly and saves a lot of money once attached - and it does't negatively affect your nuts or any other parts ... But for those who prefer a more technological solution, Allan's device should be the way to go ... So what's your less technological solution? My guess would be: don't play his records/CDs. Perhaps we are taking the wrong approach here. Instead of filtering out KJ's moans and groans, perhaps we should isolate them, play them backwards and/or at slow speed. I bet there is a secret message there. Could it be The Walrus? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chuck Nessa Posted January 1, 2011 Report Share Posted January 1, 2011 More likely the toad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jim Alfredson Posted January 2, 2011 Report Share Posted January 2, 2011 http://www.planetcanadice.com/Skits/KJOffer.mp3 http://www.planetcanadice.com/Skits/KJOffer.mp3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave James Posted January 2, 2011 Report Share Posted January 2, 2011 http://www.planetcanadice.com/Skits/KJOffer.mp3 http://www.planetcanadice.com/Skits/KJOffer.mp3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ken Dryden Posted January 3, 2011 Report Share Posted January 3, 2011 Will it also filter out Willie the Lion Smith's growling and Oscar Peterson's grunting from his 1950/1960s albums? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LWayne Posted January 4, 2011 Report Share Posted January 4, 2011 Maybe a japanese licensed version will work for Masabumi Kikuchi? I have a wonderful Keith Jarrett filter. I don't listen to him... LWayne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A Lark Ascending Posted January 4, 2011 Report Share Posted January 4, 2011 Will it filter out the endless grumbling of Jarrett-o-phobes? How many threads now? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JSngry Posted January 4, 2011 Report Share Posted January 4, 2011 Will it filter out the endless grumbling of Jarrett-o-phobes? Technology is not yet that advanced... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clifford_thornton Posted January 4, 2011 Report Share Posted January 4, 2011 this was all very scientifically developed and based on the frequencies reflected in Jarretts odd and gutteral gruntings - this filter can also be used for certain Bud Powell recordings, but at your own risk. Much to my surprise, it hasn't worked on the Joachim Kuhn and Karl Berger recordings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alocispepraluger102 Posted January 10, 2011 Report Share Posted January 10, 2011 this was all very scientifically developed and based on the frequencies reflected in Jarretts odd and gutteral gruntings - this filter can also be used for certain Bud Powell recordings, but at your own risk. Much to my surprise, it hasn't worked on the Joachim Kuhn and Karl Berger recordings. pick on KJ all you like, but leave my buddy jk alone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AllenLowe Posted January 10, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 10, 2011 I recently used the filter on that old disco thing, Love To Love You Baby, as I was preparing a tape for the church picnic. I was able to filter out the orgiastic moaning so well that even the Nuns were shakin' it.I have less luck on several of Hitler's speeches, though I did, in one, manage to clean it up so it could used on a PSA for The United Jewish Appeal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clifford_thornton Posted January 10, 2011 Report Share Posted January 10, 2011 this was all very scientifically developed and based on the frequencies reflected in Jarretts odd and gutteral gruntings - this filter can also be used for certain Bud Powell recordings, but at your own risk. Much to my surprise, it hasn't worked on the Joachim Kuhn and Karl Berger recordings. pick on KJ all you like, but leave my buddy jk alone. Don't get me wrong, I love JK and KhB, but I still find the groaning funny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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