Things Change

[Soul Stream]

I've been avoiding this inevitable post for quite some time now. But since ya'll have been good friends over the years, I feel like I should let you know what's been going on with me. I haven't been active on the board lately for good reason. My wife of 20 years and I split up. I left the house almost five months ago and have been living on my own. We have two kids that I took care of while my wife shouldered the burden of bringing in the bread. Ultimately, that's what drove a wedge between us. It's been simmering the last couple of years, but finally...it was all too much and we called it quits. It's all amicable...but strange, weird, sad, frustrating, heartbreaking...and too many things I can't describe. I'm super close to my kids and being apart from them so much has brought me to depths of depression I didn't know were possible. I feel like I've been pulling out of my nosedive the last few weeks, so I feel strong enough now to lay the news on ya'll. I wish I could turn back the hands of time and bring my family back together... but I can't, and my wife is steadfast in her decision. Thank God my music career has been the best it's ever been and I'm able to support myself and the kids as well as I have been able. This apartment feels like a lonely prison late at night and it's the best I can do to make it through til morning sometimes. I could go on and on, but I think that about covers it. I really only post this message as a warning to all my friends in a long-term relationships...nurture it and fix the things that are broke before it's too late. It's too late for me, but not for some of ya'll that might be facing the same sort of compications life and relationships bring. Love, love, love...it really is the only thing that matters.

Edited January 15, 2010 by Soul Stream

[Noj]

Sorry to hear it, Soul Stream. Stay strong. Having never had a meaningful relationship I haven't any wisdom to add.

[papsrus]

Sorry to hear this. Sounds like you're dealing with it all as best you can, and that's good.

The kids, right? Difficult, I can only imagine. But if you continue to let them know you'll always be their dad, that they'll always be loved, you'll be OK. And so will they.

I've been down the road you're on (but not with kids) so I know a little bit about the emptiness. Time heals. Things will get better.

Hang in there.

PS: I've actually done a little bit of reading on how to deal with kids in a divorce and the main thing seems to be letting them express their feelings, letting them know it's OK to feel sad, angry, whatever (depending on age). Help them work through their feelings -- that's what seems to be the important thing. But, I'm sure when you're in the middle of it, it's a little more complicated than what a book can tell you.

Edited January 15, 2010 by papsrus

[brownie]

That's a very very bad situation and I can only sympathize with your plight!

To quote you Love, love, love...it really is the only thing that matters.

How true!

[sidewinder]

Sorry to hear this Soul Stream. Hang on in there - it will get better. And spin some more Big John Patton !

[chewy-chew-chew-bean-benitez]

once u get settled in with this, youre gonna be chillin'. this woman cant blame u for being a musican- sounds like u got the good end of the stick, being a musican and getting to chill w/ yr kids all the time while she was slaving away at the insurance company or whatever. sounds like u got the good end of the rope- u r a good dude soul stream and im sure of it u are the better half

[Jim Alfredson]

Mike, so sorry to hear about this. Keep your chin up; things will get better. Listen to some Stanley T! Hone your chops. Music is the one mistress that will never leave us.

[papsrus]

Music is the one mistress that will never leave us.

That's beautiful.

[BERIGAN]

Sorry to here this Soul Stream. As hard as this is on you, and the kids, at least it's been, as you say, amicable.

My best friend is friends with a guy who is going through a divorce as well, but it's anything but amicable. He too hasn't always had a steady work history. I met the guy once when he was in town. Very passionate about everything,(loves to paint, write, etc) but a complete lack of focus. Serious ADHD. A new job once, twice a year...no career. Anyway, they have 3 kids and she has been the main breadwinner, but she only has to work 2 days a week as a nurse, and he is Mr. Mom, and homeschooled the kids to boot.

Well, about a year or so ago, she decided she couldn't put up with him anymore, so he moved out. Was working with his Dad painting houses up north, then she dropped the bombshell that not only were they divorcing, but she put out a restraining order on him, claiming he had molested their children! I'm sure others have heard stories like this as well. I have only met him once, and while you never know with people, I would be shocked if he did anything to his kids. Usually child molesters in their late 40's would have a long track record of harming kids. He has none.

So, here he is not only seeing his 10+ year marriage in shambles, but now accused of the worst thing one can be accused of! Can't see his kids, having to work out of state to earn a living...you can imagine how he feels right now. Even if nothing can be proven, will the judge error on the side of caution and give full custody to the wife???

At least in your situation, you and your former wife can still talk, meet in front of the kids, etc...I'm sure it's not a huge comfort, but things can always be worse....

[Jazzmoose]

I won't say I know how you feel, Soul Stream, because everyone's situation is different, but the pain sounds familiar. I'm glad to hear you're pulling up from that bottom; it's a hell of a place to be. Here's hoping for a more rapid rise from here on!

[JohnS]

Very sad news. Break-ups are always hard and difficult whatever the circumstances. Things do get better though.

[jazzbo]

M, sorry to hear this. Loss is very hard, getting past loss is beneficial to all life. Thank goodness this is friendly fire right now!

If I can help let me know.

[sjarrell]

I can only imagine what it feels like. Take care, and enjoy the kids when you can.

[GA Russell]

I'm very sorry to hear this, Soul Stream. I recommend that you keep in mind that you are not alone in your suffering. Our culture presents to the public people who seem to have it all in life. They never seem to suffer. So when your life goes from bad to worse, it seems like you are the only person who is suffering.

But in fact there are many people suffering, and probably most don't have an effective way to deal with their problems. St. Alphonsus Liguori wrote that it is better to suffer one hundred years on earth than one hour in Purgatory. I keep telling myself that!

[Brad]

Sorry to hear this Soul Stream. A friend once said to me when it comes to relationships that you have to make sure you make a lot of deposits and not too many withdrawals.

[Soul Stream]

Thanks everyone for all the support...lots of great words of wisdom. Getting through it all with the help of a wonderful family, good friends and the love of my kids. Also, like Jim said, music is about the only thing I can depend on right now, as it has been at other times in my life. Trying to channel myself into more positive things lately. Went down a self-destructive path for the first 3 months or so, but that wasn't getting me anywhere and I knew I couldn't sustain that for long. Now that I've gotten used to the idea that it won't be me, the wife and kids as it has been for so long...I'm feeling my way through this new way of living, which is strange and like walking in borrowed shoes. Lots of evil things that I felt the pull of, but think I'm strong enough now to turn back and swim for shore. Thanks again all.

[Bright Moments]

Thanks everyone for all the support...lots of great words of wisdom. Getting through it all with the help of a wonderful family, good friends and the love of my kids. Also, like Jim said, music is about the only thing I can depend on right now, as it has been at other times in my life. Trying to channel myself into more positive things lately. Went down a self-destructive path for the first 3 months or so, but that wasn't getting me anywhere and I knew I couldn't sustain that for long. Now that I've gotten used to the idea that it won't be me, the wife and kids as it has been for so long...I'm feeling my way through this new way of living, which is strange and like walking in borrowed shoes. Lots of evil things that I felt the pull of, but think I'm strong enough now to turn back and swim for shore. Thanks again all.

when a door closes - open a window and climb through!!

[Aggie87]

I don't know if your situation allows for it, or if you've even considered it as an option, but my ex and I share custody of our kids, 50/50. They live with me for a week, then with her for a week, and back and forth.

It's about as fair as it can be for us as parents, and I think it allows our kids to spend as much time as possible with both parents, and learn from both of us. They get both a good (well hopefully anyway) male and female role model.

It helps that we only live a couple of blocks away from each other, so the kids are able to have the same friends regardless of which house they're at, and attend the same schools, etc.

It's a little jarring going from single parent to bachelor and back so regularly, but I've gotten used to it.

[medjuck]

I don't have any practical advice (or even any spiritual advice). It's hard not to get depressed in a situation like yours, but try to concentrate on what you do have going for you: family, friends and music. I've always found that music (listening to it that is) was one thing that helped me make it through the night whenever I was too unhappy to sleep.

[Ed S]

So sorry to hear the news. I've read all of the responses and so many ring true. The feelings can be overwhelming. It's so easy to utter the "hang tough" mantra, but living it is quite another story. As someone who has walked the walk, I know very well the depths of depression to which one can sink.

I also know the heights which one can attain with the passage of time, with time for the healing process to take place, and for life after divorce.

As Jazzmoose mentioned, every divorce is different. Ideally, it should be civil and the kids should be impacted as little as possible. I learned the hard way that life and divorce can't always be ideal - so just try to make the best of every situation. And try to minimize the impact on the kids in whatever way you can. If you can remain on good terms with your ex - then by all means do so. If you can't, conduct yourself in a way that minimizes the tension between you in the eyes of the kids. I strive to do that every day - some days better than others.

Try to maintain as much contact with your kids as possible. Like Aggie, I've got them every other week. But I know that's not always possible, but whatever time you have with them - make and/or keep it positive. You don't have to be Superdad. You have to be loving dad. You have to rise above however you may be feeling at the time. They know who you are. They'll know when you're trying too hard, or when you're not yourself. Sometimes loving dad means hanging out and watching movies or sports at home or just letting them be themselves, by themselves. Sometimes it's making sure that their homework is done. Other times it's doing stuff like movie theatres, shopping, sports event....whatever. They'll know when you're trying too hard... or trying to compete. So just be yourself.

I can also speak with great enthusiasm to how nicely things can work out once you've re-started your life. People said the same thing to me and I basically wanted to tell them to f-off. But I can attest to how things can work out better than you'd have ever imagined.

Life's a journey. You're on a very shitty part of it right now. Things will turn around.

I'm living proof.

Edit for spelling

Edited January 16, 2010 by Ed Swinnich

[Peter Johnson]

M--I couldn't say it any better than Ed, and echo his sentiments word for word. Also living proof.

Hang tough, my friend. Let me know if I can help--be an ear, talk it out, etc.

You will get through this.

[JSngry]

Other than "Sorry", I honestly don't know what to say. LTB & I should have been divorced 2 or 3 times by now. Hell, I should be dead by now. And for all I can tell, live would still go if any/all of that had happened.

I don't understand why some things happen between peoples. All I know is that as long as you're here, might as well show up and play. Otherwise you waste your time.

Other than that, I'm clueless.

[BruceH]

Very sorry to hear about your troubles. Hope things continue to get better. Best wishes for the future.

[bertrand]

Mike,

I'm very sorry to hear about this and I hope things start looking brighter for you soon.

Bertrand.

[Soul Stream]

Once again, thanks for the kind comments, pms, and words of wisdom and comfort. Always nice to be part of the Organissimo family when things get tough. Anyway, been doing pretty good and can't do much more than to keep on keepin' on and try to stay outta the weeds! Music really does take on more importance at times like these and have helped me along as always. Thanks again ya'll!