Allow me this rant

[Van Basten II]

It's 3 am where i live and i need some kind of release and since i don't want to bother anyone at this time, i'll use this board as a bit of a catharsis if you don't mind

Don't know if you noticed or not but i have not been really active the last few weeks. Had a lot on my mind and was busy in a way that did not allow me to communicate with the fine folks that do take part in this board. So here's my rant. My mother got sick and had to put her in the hospital as she was weakening, not feeding herself proprely as she'd rather stay in bed and sleeping. At first, the sejour did her good, her shape was better and although she was restless to get back home, for whatever reasons she still had to remain in the custody of the hospital.

Thursday night when i left she was still in a mighty spirit as i left her clothes and stuff she wanted to have with her at the hospital. Today, she asked me to bring her a newspaper as she does not have a telly in her room, she was left out of the blue regarding the goings on of whatever she had an interest for, she also mentionned she had a terrible night having pains below her chest. The staff seemed to treat it as some kind of stomach ache.

Finally when the doctor came to do some more exam and saw a few results they figured out that she was having an infarctus, they gave her morphine to appease the pain plus other medications, at first it worked well. She mentionned the pain was not as strong as it was and she was relaxing, smiling to her granddaughter. The doctor informed her that she was about to get transfered to another hospital to get treatment for her heart. As they were about to give her a second morphine shot, the nurse noticed that her blood pressure suddenly lowered to an alarming level. She complained about being too hot, opened up the window and rubbed her face with a wet washcloth.Things started to activate around her as they scrambled around and my sister and i had to figure out how we would manage to get her stuff to the new place and figure out a way to stay in touch as she was going to drive her daughter home.

Unfortunately it did not pan out, for starters i expected to join my mother in the ambulance as she would be carried away, for whatever reason they did not allow it, so i had to go with my sister in the car, as things were not bad enough, the indications i received from the doctor to get to the other hospital weren't clear and with both of us getting frantic as the evening was progressing in ways we feared, we got lost on our way to the hospital. Don't own a car and am quite clueless about directions in a automobile. Finally when we got there and since the night was approaching we had to scramble our way to find the emergency entrance which was the only one working.

At the emergency room , they told us that she was in a section called Hemadynamics, that we had to wait in another room where people would be waiting for us, they gave us the instructions how to get there, as we were more and more panicking, we could not figure out where the heck we were supposed to go. We walked our way into desert halls and passages of the hospital roaming around clueless. And since she was not registered yet, asking people on the switchbard was useless. Finally found the room we were supposed to wait in but there was no one to welcome us. With the help of the secutity guard , he informed us that we had to use the phone to let the people in charge know we were there.

After a long wait in that room, we were asked to come upstairs in a small room where we would hear the inevitable bad news from the surgeon that she had many arteries blocked , that he was able to clean a few of them but her heart finally gave out. Then, i saw and heard my sister and her kid cry in a despairing sound i hope i never live to see and hear again. We were met by the staff for a few technicalities. Made sure that my sis' was in shape to drive home, she's my neighbour, elected to walk home, about a 40 minute walk in a somewhat fresh Montreal night.

As i'm writing this to you i'm still numbed by the whole experience, so i'll end with a few random comments.

Hospital wise the thing that bugged me the most was the lack of communication between the staff and i, many times they left me stranded when they did some exams on my mom, never bothering to tell me i could come back at her side.

Prior to the fatal day, they never bothered explained to me why they still kept her in the hospital, it was pretty tough to try to reassure her as i was talking through my ass most of the time, not knowing what was going on.

Her passing leaves a terrible and huge hole in my life, she was more than a mother to me she was also my best friend, gotta say i'm crying for the first time tonight as i'm writing this, she was a very admirable women that i could confide in her with complete trust. Call me a mamma's boy but you'd be proud of being called that way if you had this mamma

As most women of her generation she had minimal instruction, did a few stints in a few shops as a youngster before meeting the men who would become my father, became your typical housewife, had a two kids, took care of the house and her ailing mother while the husband would carry the bacon home. Then, suddenly disaster struck my father suddenly died, leaving a 52 year old widow with a clueless 18 year old kid who knew nothing except studying and a older daughter getting started in an horrible relationship.

The women who never paid a bill and rent or made the groceries or took care of a house, in terms of renovations such as plumbing, painting and such stuff and became a street smart independent do it yourself women, the lady who never got interested in politics started to pay attention, voting, watching public affairs tv shows. To make ends meet , she did some babysittlng, also subrented a few rooms in the house. As the years passed by even if she slowed down quite a bit, her memory waning and her physical assets diminishing she was still kicking ass despite chain smoking an at least two packs a day habit.

Although she was not much for sentimental babble, still a bit sad not having the chance to say those things to her, but i suppose it was part of the unsaid but nonetheless understood deal i had with her

I apologise for the probably numerous spelling mistakes don't know if any of it make sense but i gotta say it does me good writing this stuff down, thank you and good night.

Edited April 11, 2009 by Van Basten II

[robviti]

i am so deeply sorry for your loss, and for the hospital-related problems you had to endure during this most difficult time. your post was no rant, but a sharing of grief with your friends here. many people in your situation might try to hide from the pain by focusing on whatever anger and frustration they might feel toward the hospitals and their staff. your post shows that your head and heart are in the right place as you experience the love and the loss that is a part of losing someone so very special like your mother. again, my heartfelt condolences to you and your family.

[poetrylover3]

my sincere condolences on your loss. you are fortunate in having such a good human being for your mother. you and your family are in my prayers.

[JSngry]

You have my sincerest & deepest sympathies. Losing a parent is difficult enough when one knows its coming. To have it some seemingly out of nowhere as it did to your mom is a shock and trauma of a scale which I cannot pretend to even imagine.

From your account, your mother and you had a great relationship with no heavy duty "unfinished business". For that, you can, and hopefully will, be grateful, eventually, once you have time to sort all this out (and I'm sure Rob can tell you that it probably will take a while to do that). Also, it sounds as if your mom was one heckuva woman, a person of outstanding character and resiliency. For that, you can forever be grateful.

Life does indeed go on, but not without deeply painful surprises. Stay strong and draw inspiration on your mother's survival instincts. She no doubt passed them on to you.

Again, my deepest condolences to you and yours. By all means, continue to post here as the need and/or desire arises.

[J.A.W.]

My condolences.

[sidewinder]

My condolences and sympathy too. Nothing much that I can add that hasn't already been said - but hang in there.

[jazzbo]

VB, so sorry to hear this news and you have my deepest sympathies. Almost exactly a year and a half ago I lost my wife relatively suddenly and I was knocked back and halted for a spell, and then my life began again. As Jim recommends, draw inspiration from all that she gave you and the very nature of her personality and prowess.

My mother is just two days away from an important, and we believe, beneficial operation that was dangerous. All was well, she had pretty good hospital care but it's impossible I think to have GREAT hospital care. The fragility of life is an amazing thing that imbues it with great magic and can be our emotional ruin if we allow it. Celebrate her life and be the man she wants you to be.

[Stereojack]

My condolences to you. Dealing with all the red tape and hospital confusion only heightened the anxiety you were already feeling about your mother's condition.

Losing a parent is something that most of us go through at one point in our lives. I only hope that she didn't suffer for very long.

[Van Basten II]

Thanks for the kind words guys, slept a few hours still in the process of writing to people who did not know her but who know me a bit to ease up the pain. Will have to start pretty soon calling , those who knew her, surviving sisters and a few in laws plus those who kept in touch over the years, it will probably be the hardest part, never was much of a bad news kind of guy, at least not those kind of bad news at least.

[paul secor]

I'm truly sorry for your loss. From my own experience, you may find that your mother will be with you in ways that she wasn't before her passing.

[connoisseur series500]

I'm really sorry to read about this, Van B. It sounds as if your Mom was a remarkable woman. They teach us in school that when men go to the hospital complaining of chest pain, EKG's are immediately applied. When women enter the hospital for similar complaints, they think it is indigestion or something. Heart disease is a big killer of women.

I tell you what though. As I get older, I really get to appreciate the remarkable powers of women. They are very much the stronger sex. They outwork men; they can handle life's reverses better. They seem to endure. They are more adaptable. Your mother shows all this in spades. I tell you what...you are a lucky man to have such a mother. You'll recover eventually, but I know it will likely take some time. Hang in there, bro.

[Matthew]

Sorry for the passing of your mother. It is amazing at times the lack of support and help some hospital workers are during difficult times.

[fasstrack]

It's 3 am where i live and i need some kind of release and since i don't want to bother anyone at this time, i'll use this board as a bit of a catharsis if you don't mind

Don't know if you noticed or not but i have not been really active the last few weeks. Had a lot on my mind and was busy in a way that did not allow me to communicate with the fine folks that do take part in this board. So here's my rant. My mother got sick and had to put her in the hospital as she was weakening, not feeding herself proprely as she'd rather stay in bed and sleeping. At first, the sejour did her good, her shape was better and although she was restless to get back home, for whatever reasons she still had to remain in the custody of the hospital.

Thursday night when i left she was still in a mighty spirit as i left her clothes and stuff she wanted to have with her at the hospital. Today, she asked me to bring her a newspaper as she does not have a telly in her room, she was left out of the blue regarding the goings on of whatever she had an interest for, she also mentionned she had a terrible night having pains below her chest. The staff seemed to treat it as some kind of stomach ache.

Finally when the doctor came to do some more exam and saw a few results they figured out that she was having an infarctus, they gave her morphine to appease the pain plus other medications, at first it worked well. She mentionned the pain was not as strong as it was and she was relaxing, smiling to her granddaughter. The doctor informed her that she was about to get transfered to another hospital to get treatment for her heart. As they were about to give her a second morphine shot, the nurse noticed that her blood pressure suddenly lowered to an alarming level. She complained about being too hot, opened up the window and rubbed her face with a wet washcloth.Things started to activate around her as they scrambled around and my sister and i had to figure out how we would manage to get her stuff to the new place and figure out a way to stay in touch as she was going to drive her daughter home.

Unfortunately it did not pan out, for starters i expected to join my mother in the ambulance as she would be carried away, for whatever reason they did not allow it, so i had to go with my sister in the car, as things were not bad enough, the indications i received from the doctor to get to the other hospital weren't clear and with both of us getting frantic as the evening was progressing in ways we feared, we got lost on our way to the hospital. Don't own a car and am quite clueless about directions in a automobile. Finally when we got there and since the night was approaching we had to scramble our way to find the emergency entrance which was the only one working.

At the emergency room , they told us that she was in a section called Hemadynamics, that we had to wait in another room where people would be waiting for us, they gave us the instructions how to get there, as we were more and more panicking, we could not figure out where the heck we were supposed to go. We walked our way into desert halls and passages of the hospital roaming around clueless. And since she was not registered yet, asking people on the switchbard was useless. Finally found the room we were supposed to wait in but there was no one to welcome us. With the help of the secutity guard , he informed us that we had to use the phone to let the people in charge know we were there.

After a long wait in that room, we were asked to come upstairs in a small room where we would hear the inevitable bad news from the surgeon that she had many arteries blocked , that he was able to clean a few of them but her heart finally gave out. Then, i saw and heard my sister and her kid cry in a despairing sound i hope i never live to see and hear again. We were met by the staff for a few technicalities. Made sure that my sis' was in shape to drive home, she's my neighbour, elected to walk home, about a 40 minute walk in a somewhat fresh Montreal night.

As i'm writing this to you i'm still numbed by the whole experience, so i'll end with a few random comments.

Hospital wise the thing that bugged me the most was the lack of communication between the staff and i, many times they left me stranded when they did some exams on my mom, never bothering to tell me i could come back at her side.

Prior to the fatal day, they never bothered explained to me why they still kept her in the hospital, it was pretty tough to try to reassure her as i was talking through my ass most of the time, not knowing what was going on.

Her passing leaves a terrible and huge hole in my life, she was more than a mother to me she was also my best friend, gotta say i'm crying for the first time tonight as i'm writing this, she was a very admirable women that i could confide in her with complete trust. Call me a mamma's boy but you'd be proud of being called that way if you had this mamma

As most women of her generation she had minimal instruction, did a few stints in a few shops as a youngster before meeting the men who would become my father, became your typical housewife, had a two kids, took care of the house and her ailing mother while the husband would carry the bacon home. Then, suddenly disaster struck my father suddenly died, leaving a 52 year old widow with a clueless 18 year old kid who knew nothing except studying and a older daughter getting started in an horrible relationship.

The women who never paid a bill and rent or made the groceries or took care of a house, in terms of renovations such as plumbing, painting and such stuff and became a street smart independent do it yourself women, the lady who never got interested in politics started to pay attention, voting, watching public affairs tv shows. To make ends meet , she did some babysittlng, also subrented a few rooms in the house. As the years passed by even if she slowed down quite a bit, her memory waning and her physical assets diminishing she was still kicking ass despite chain smoking an at least two packs a day habit.

Although she was not much for sentimental babble, still a bit sad not having the chance to say those things to her, but i suppose it was part of the unsaid but nonetheless understood deal i had with her

I apologise for the probably numerous spelling mistakes don't know if any of it make sense but i gotta say it does me good writing this stuff down, thank you and good night.

Well, I recently gave myself some berth here and ranted about my own phony-baloney problems----which certainly not to say yours are. It didn't change anything per se, but it is gratifying to know that people are listening, responsive, and have often had similar experiences.

My father suffered a serious stroke in Spring 1993. He was at the time in a shithole of a hospital for the mentally ill called Gracie Square, being 'treated' (don't even ask or I'll rant for pages) for a serious agitated depression which was intermittently ongoing and robbed him of much of his life. While at Gracie, I realize in retrospect, he had at least one or more TGIs. He had been placed in a chair with a lockin top b/c he evidently had been falling down. No one on their staff ever called either myself or my two siblings to tell us anything. He kept getting worse and more unresponsive and I assumed it was the depression, combined with age and perhaps Alzheimers. He was just 71. One Sunday I came to visit and he was lying in bed immobile. I went to the nurse's station and demanded a doctor right then. One came and all he said was 'we're moving your father to Lenox Hill. He seems a little weak.' Once the paras got there one took one look and knew what these morons never bothered to even look into. 'Your father had a stroke', he said, and showed me glaringly obvious classic symptoms.

He never pulled out of it and remained at Lenox Hill for a while, since he had no living will or plan for contingency. Finally he wound up in a nursing home in Manhattan, where he spent a horrible year and a half aphasic, unable to swallow, talk, move except his left arm, eating through a tube b/c he had no gag reflex. I doubt he knew where he was or what happened, but pain and discomfort were written in his face and the few unpleasant sounds he could still make. Finally, mercifully, he died. It always killed me that he died in Manhattan, since he was a Brooklyn boy and had spent his entire prior life there, except for the Army. When he first arrived at Lenox Hill I had the thought of aphyxiating him with a pillow, a la Over The Cuckoo's Nest, to put him out of his misery. I couldn't take how pitiful he looked, lying there like a semi-squashed bug. It's a sight I'll never forget.

At the guardianship hearing his shrink from Gracie covered his ass, lying as I expected he would. He continued seeing my dad at the hospital even after I ordered him to stay away. I had in mind to sue Gracie for negligence, but by the time I was ready no attorney seemed willing to take the case since it's hard to prove. I just let it go, b/c I had to let go and move on. The guardianship hearing, the familial strife having to deal with emotionally disturbed siblings---I won't get into it----but it was raw and took years to get over it.

My advice, and no one generally wants advice, but you did put this public so you must at least want viewpoints, is let it go---and as soon as possible. Whatever it takes: therapy, getting drunk or laid---let it go and move on. The bad will towards the people who did wrong will do no good and not bring her back. I understand the self-absorption of such pain BTW, b/c, seeking help/sympathy, I called Sidney Zion at home after I read about his daughter's case. He was in such pain he could barely listen. I did manage to get the attention of the late, great Flo Kennedy, and at least I got to spend some quality time with her, so some good came out of the pain.

Let it go. Let it go. Life is too short.......

Edited April 11, 2009 by fasstrack

[Bright Moments]

so sorry to hear about your loss. may god give you strength.

[carnivore]

My condolences Van. My mother died last November, a week short of her 95th birthday. It's very hard, but I'm sure you'll find that she'll remain a part of you and your thoughts, every day for the rest of your life.

[papsrus]

Sorry to hear of your loss. You obviously have great love for your mother, and that's a wonderful thing.

[Van Basten II]

Taking a break from calling family and friends, to give you an idea how impersonal the staff was, while my sister and i were there during last night's events, when we got home we both had a message on a recording machine telling us to call the hospital. They never realised that the relatives to be called in case of emergency were already there.

[Aggie87]

My condolences, VB.

[Hot Ptah]

My sincere sympathy goes out to you. Please check your Private Messages for a futher suggestion.

[fasstrack]

Taking a break from calling family and friends, to give you an idea how impersonal the staff was, while my sister and i were there during last night's events, when we got home we both had a message on a recording machine telling us to call the hospital. They never realised that the relatives to be called in case of emergency were already there.

The problem is that, like most institutions, they are too big. They may even mean well, or the staff individually mean well, but the organizational wheels are operating on the same chassis but each going in its own direction.

[Free For All]

I'm very sorry for your loss, VB. The loss of a parent is a tough thing to deal with, and the poor behavior of the hospital staff obviously hasn't provided much comfort.

My mom passed in '94, and I think about her every day- sometimes I even dream about talking to her (those are great dreams). I think losing a loved one is something from which you never completely recover, but learn to live with over time. I always try to think about what my mom would want me to do, and that always comforts and guides me.

I'm glad you've chosen to share this- I think finding the words to describe your feelings is a healthy step in coping with a loss like this.

Best wishes.

[Jim Alfredson]

Sorry to hear about his and my condolences to you and your family.

[Quincy]

What an awful unexpected thing to go through, you have my condolences. I wish you well during this time of grief.

[medjuck]

Sincere condolences. Your mother sounds like a remarkable woman and you were obviously close to her.

[mikeweil]

My sincere condolences - strangely, I happened to think quite a bit about my mother's passing 6 years ago over the last days, as we're now at the end of a long series of changes her passing initiated. Try take it as it is, and do not forget what is best for you along the way. My thoughts are with you. It is a strange and shattering feeling, kind of left behind ...