Jazzmoose Posted October 6, 2007 Report Share Posted October 6, 2007 Okay, you guys are on a roll...that's three in a row that Barb loved! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Magnificent Goldberg Posted October 6, 2007 Report Share Posted October 6, 2007 Okay, you guys are on a roll...that's three in a row that Barb loved! Showed those three to my daughter earlier - she liked them too. MG Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim McG Posted October 6, 2007 Report Share Posted October 6, 2007 On the first day of school a first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Dodger fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Dodger fans. Wanting to impress their teacher, everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise, "Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Dodger fan," she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Dodger fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I am a Giants fan, and proud of it," Janie replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, why are you a Giants fan?" "Because my mom is a Giants fan, and my dad is Giants fan, so I'm a Giants fan too!" "Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a Giants fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom were an idiot and your dad were a moron, what would you be then?" "Then," Janie smiled, "I'd be a Dodger fan." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MoGrubb Posted October 9, 2007 Report Share Posted October 9, 2007 What they don't tell you about Cialis. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim McG Posted October 11, 2007 Report Share Posted October 11, 2007 During a trial in a small town in a southern state of U.S., a prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said: "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I can guarantee you spending the rest of your life behind bars for contempt!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MoGrubb Posted October 20, 2007 Report Share Posted October 20, 2007 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim McG Posted October 24, 2007 Report Share Posted October 24, 2007 So this cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me. " the cab driver replies. She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says,"Yes, I'm single and Catholic! "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim McG Posted October 24, 2007 Report Share Posted October 24, 2007 Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim McG Posted October 24, 2007 Report Share Posted October 24, 2007 Brother Mark is a monk in the monastery and he has taken his vow of silence. He gets one chance to speak every ten years. So, ten years pass and Brother Mark is called to the Head Monk's office. "Brother Mark," says the Head Monk, "You have taken your vow of chastity, you have obeyed the laws of God. You have earned your right to speak. What would you like to say?" Brother Mark looks at the Head Monk and says "Food's cold." Then he leaves. Ten more years pass and once again Brother Mark is called to the Head Monk's office. "Brother Mark," says the Head Monk, "You have taken your vow of chastity, you have obeyed the laws of God. Ten more years have passed, and you have earned your right to speak. What would you like to say?" Brother Mark looks at the Head Monk and says, "Bed's hard." Then he leaves. Ten more years pass. "Brother Mark," says the Head Monk, "You have taken your vow of chastity, you have obeyed the laws of God. You have earned your right to speak. What would you like to say?" "I quit," says Brother Mark. "That's all right. You was always bitchin' anyway." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim McG Posted October 24, 2007 Report Share Posted October 24, 2007 These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place: ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ___________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty. ________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Would you repeat the question? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearanc e here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jazzmoose Posted October 31, 2007 Report Share Posted October 31, 2007 One day, there was a catastrophic event which caused all living creatures on earth to die. To sort things out, everyone went to heaven. God approaches and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who ruled their women on earth and the other line for the men who were ruled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines. The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men who ruled their women, there was only one man. God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim McG Posted October 31, 2007 Report Share Posted October 31, 2007 Now that's funny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim McG Posted November 9, 2007 Report Share Posted November 9, 2007 (edited) Eternal questions: Can you cry under water? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts?" Where's that extra penny going to? Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? What disease did cured ham actually have? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural? Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? Why do people drive on parkways and park in driveways? How can you draw a blank? Why do people ask "What's up?" when you're feeling down? Edited November 9, 2007 by GoodSpeak Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MoGrubb Posted November 10, 2007 Report Share Posted November 10, 2007 Funny, sounds like George Carlin stuff. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jazzmoose Posted November 11, 2007 Report Share Posted November 11, 2007 You know, now that you mention it... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim McG Posted November 11, 2007 Report Share Posted November 11, 2007 (edited) Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is that all about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly." Edited November 11, 2007 by GoodSpeak Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim McG Posted November 11, 2007 Report Share Posted November 11, 2007 (edited) [ahem] All jokes are repeated or copied from somebody else, Guys. Edited November 11, 2007 by GoodSpeak Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Free For All Posted November 11, 2007 Report Share Posted November 11, 2007 And what's the deal with airplane peanuts? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MoGrubb Posted November 11, 2007 Report Share Posted November 11, 2007 (edited) [ahem] All jokes are repeated or copied from somebody else, Guys. Wasn't slighting your entry, those "Carlin" liners really are funny. Anyhow, my waiter always opens with, "Will you have fries with that?" Edited November 11, 2007 by MoGrubb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DukeCity Posted November 11, 2007 Report Share Posted November 11, 2007 And what's the deal with airplane peanuts? ...Have you seen these things? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim McG Posted November 11, 2007 Report Share Posted November 11, 2007 A sailor was driven off course by a storm, and smashed into a small island. The next morning, he awoke on the beach. The sand and sky were reddish. Walking around in a daze, the sailor saw red birds, red grass, red trees and red bananas. He was shocked to find that even his skin was reddish. "Oh, noooooo!" he exclaimed. "I'm marooned!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MoGrubb Posted November 17, 2007 Report Share Posted November 17, 2007 Friendship Between Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it. Friendship Between Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MoGrubb Posted November 19, 2007 Report Share Posted November 19, 2007 The kilt question answered. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alocispepraluger102 Posted November 19, 2007 Report Share Posted November 19, 2007 i read the political forums for humor. i wish not to criticize our contributors, but the political clowns discussed are of the sinister self-serving type, and generally, clowns of horror. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MoGrubb Posted November 20, 2007 Report Share Posted November 20, 2007 A SIGN POSTED AT A GOLF CLUB 1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART. 2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP. 3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN. 4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING. 5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER. 6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE. 7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU. 8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS. 9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING. 10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES. 11. WELL DONE. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, & TEE OFF. ________________________________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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