joke thread

B. Goren. · October 8, 2009

At the regular Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave, because he is so popular.

Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Newton and Brookline , stands up and proclaims: "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van, to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If the rabbi stays on here, I'll personally double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"

There is total silence.

The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"

Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replied "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "Fuck him."

jeffcrom · October 8, 2009

Boudreaux saw Thibodeaux walking down the road and said, "Thibodeaux, I got you some good news and I got you some bad news. Which you want first?" Boudreaux said, "Well, I guess you better give me that old bad news first." Thibodeaux said, "I hate to tell you this, but we found your petite wife floatin' face down dead in the bayou." Thibodeaux: "Oh my god - what's the good news?" "Well, she had about two dozen blue crabs on her. We gonna take her out again tomorrow and see what she can do."

BERIGAN · October 9, 2009

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.