joke thread

[The Magnificent Goldberg]

Here's another Cooper

Each year it was the custom for the very best performers to appear at the Royal Command Performance. At the end of the show the very best of the best were introduced to the Queen.

'Did you think I was funny?', Tommy Cooper asked the Queen.

'Yes, very funny Tommy', replied the Queen.

'Did your Mother think I was funny?', Tommy asked.

'Yes, she laughed non-stop', said the Queen

'Would you mind if I ask a personal question?', Tommy asked.

'No, you can ask, but I may not be able to answer', the Queen replied

'Who are you supporting in the Cup Final?', asked Tommy.

'Neither, I am impartial' , said the Queen. '

'In that case, ... ' said Tommy, '....do you mind if I have your Cup Final Tickets?'

MG

[MoGrubb]

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[MoGrubb]

The Purina Diet

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Blanche, our Hunting dog, at Wal-Mart and was standing in line about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. First thing I thought was 'where is your sign lady' but decided to go with it...SO..On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina weight loss Diet again. I said I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, you load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete... so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story to say the least. Totally Horrified, the lady asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I had stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

Edited January 14, 2008 by MoGrubb

[MoGrubb]

Two Ways of Looking at Things

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on "celebrating" that long?"

So you see, there really are 2 ways to look at everything.

[Tim McG]

I was depressed last night so I called a suicide hotline.

I was transferred to an out-sourced call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal...

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

[Tim McG]

At a recent concert in Glasgow, Scotland, the lead singer of the band U2, Bono, asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds. While having everyone's complete attention, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

After a few minutes of this a voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet. "Well, foockin' stop doin it then, ya evil basturd!"

[Tim McG]

A man is sitting in the bar when he notices another patron a few

stools away. The guy had a body like Charles Atlas but his head

was the size of a thimble.

The first man said, "Please excuse me for staring but I can't

help but be curious as to why your body is so well developed but

your head is so small." The man says, "Buy me a drink and I'll

tell you." The drink was bought and the story began.

"I was in the navy and my ship was sunk by a torpedo. I was the

only survivor and I managed to make it to a deserted island a

few miles away. I had been there for several months and was

sitting on the beach one day waiting for a bird or a fish to

come by, so I would have something to eat. Looking up I saw a

mermaid sunning on a nearby rock. She swam over to me and

informed me that she was a magical mermaid and could grant me 3

wishes.

"Great, I'd like to be rescued." She slapped the water with her

tail and a ship appeared, sailing straight for my island.

Next I asked for a body like Charles Atlas. Another slap of her

tail and here it is.

Then noticing how beautiful she was and all my other wished

fulfilled I asked if I could make love to her. She said no, it

just wouldn't work, her being half fish and all.

So I said....

"Well, how about a little head then?"

[Tim McG]

A man has 50-yard-line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he said, "the seat is empty".

"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in his right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it ?"

Somberly, the man says, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come here with me, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor - to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at the funeral."

[The Magnificent Goldberg]

Two big laughs there, Goodspeak!

MG

[Tim McG]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning. It's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers. The woman says, "So, you're a man That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God!" But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.

The woman continues, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

She hands the bottle to the man. He nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and hands it back to the woman.

She takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No, thanks. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

Figures.

[Van Basten II]

An old couple go to a doctor and ask him to watch them have sex and tell if he see's them doing anything wrong. So they have sex.

While they are getting dressed the doctor said, "Well I don't see anything wrong!"

A week later they come again and ask the doctor to watch to see if they are doing anything wrong.

They have sex and the doctor says, "Well again I don't see anything wrong."

This goes on for weeks. Then the doctor asks why they keep coming.

The guy said: "If we go to her house her husband will catch us. If we go to my house my wife will catch us. A hotel costs fifty bucks. Here it's thirty-five dollars and medicare pays half!"

[Jazzmoose]

Hope I haven't posted this one already...

An old woman goes to her doctor with an odd complaint.

"Doctor, I have this embarrassing problem with gas, and I don't know what to do. My farts don't smell, and they're silent, but still, just knowing it's happening embarrasses me to no end. You probably haven't noticed, but I've already farted five times since I came into your office! Can you help me?"

The doctor frowns, grabs his pad, and scrawls a prescription down. "Take these for a week, and come back and see me."

A week later, the woman returns, visibly upset.

"Doctor, I don't know what you expected those pills to do, but they've made things worse! My farts are still silent, but now they stink to high heaven! I'm afraid to go out in public!!"

"Well, ma'am, now that we've cleared up your sinus problem, let's work on your hearing..."

[Chalupa]

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/02/01/m...s-_n_84456.html

NSFW

[Bright Moments]

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/02/01/m...s-_n_84456.html

NSFW

[Tim McG]

Here's something only an English teacher can love:

The Hokey Pokey

Original Lyrics

Put your left foot in,

Your left foot out,

Your left foot in,

And shake it all about.

You do the hokey pokey

And turn yourself around

That's what it's all about.

Thou Hokey Pokey

Shakespearean Style

O proud left foot, that ventures quick within.

Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.

Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:

Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.

Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke.

A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.

To spin! A wilde release from heaven's yoke.

Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.

The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt.

Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.

Edited February 2, 2008 by GoodSpeak

[The Magnificent Goldberg]

Very nice!

MG

[MoGrubb]

Sarah Silverman's a scream!

[Bright Moments]

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/02/01/m...s-_n_84456.html

NSFW

i am still laughing at this!!!!

[The Magnificent Goldberg]

It's hilarious, though I don't know who either of those guys is.

MG

[Larry Kart]

It's hilarious, though I don't know who either of those guys is.

Sarah Silverman is one who looks like a girl.

[danasgoodstuff]

Not funny to me, but I can't remember anthing Silverman or Kimmel has done that I thought was...

[Dan Gould]

Not funny to me, but I can't remember anthing Silverman or Kimmel has done that I thought was...

Well, this I can't understand, Kimmel was extremely funny on "Win Ben Stein's Money" and Silverman can be pretty funny too. This gets a thousand from me. (I guess "My D*ck in a Box" really opened things up as far as what used to be called "Standards and Practices" is concerned.)

[MoGrubb]

It's hilarious, though I don't know who either of those guys is.

MG

Silverman is a female standup comic[seriously potty-mouth hilarious]. She made a video with Matt Damon(a movie actor/star) to worry her husband(Kimmel). She sings about fucking Matt Damon, You got the rest.

[The Magnificent Goldberg]

It's hilarious, though I don't know who either of those guys is.

MG

Silverman is a female standup comic[seriously potty-mouth hilarious]. She made a video with Matt Damon(a movie actor/star) to worry her husband(Kimmel). She sings about fucking Matt Damon, You got the rest.

Thanks Mo. Only part of the hilarity stems from actually knowing who they are, as you say.

MG

[Tim McG]

Choosing A Wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more a attractive for him beca use she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money i n the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

So, he married the one with the biggest boobs.