joke thread

[Tim McG]

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.

He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.

He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....

Then he remembered his wife.

Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital.

He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you!"

"I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!"

"For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care and you will be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor snickered and said, "I was just messing with you. She's dead."

"What'd you shoot?"

[Tim McG]

A Catholic Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching

the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts,"Tree."

The Priest pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the

chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."

[Tim McG]

HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend

2. a companion

3. a lover

4. a brother

5. a father

6. a master

7. a chef

8. an electrician

9. a carpenter

10. a plumber

11. a mechanic

12. a decorator

13. a stylist

14. a sexologist

15. a gynecologist

16. a psychologist

17. a pest exterminator

18. a psychiatrist

19. a healer

20. a good listener

21. an organizer

22. a good father

23. very clean

24. sympathetic

25. athletic

26. warm

27. attentive

28. gallant

29. intelligent

30. funny

31. creative

32. tender

33. strong

34. understanding

35. tolerant

36. prudent

37. ambitious

38. capable

39. courageous

40. determined

41. true

42. dependable

43. passionate

44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly

46. love shopping

47. be honest

48. be very rich

49. not stress her out

50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself

53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:

* birthdays

* anniversaries

* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked

2. Bring food

[MoGrubb]

Emoticon "ASS-ICONS:"

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

[MoGrubb]

My apologies if this isn't funny/dumb enough to overcome the racist tone.

Edited September 6, 2007 by MoGrubb

[The Magnificent Goldberg]

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice.

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My

wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask

their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know

them."

I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually

fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I

think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she

went out again and I decided to really check on her.

Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so

I could get a good view of the whole garage when she arrived home from a

night out with "the girls". When she got out of the car she was buttoning

up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse

and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs,

that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a

hairline crack right by the club head.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro

shop where I bought it?

[Jazzmoose]

Two farmers were discussing their problems. Farmer Bill said, “I’ve

got a couple of birds nesting in my horse’s mane. I’ve tried to get rid

of them. But they just won’t go away.”Farmer Joe thought for a minute and said, “Just sprinkle the horse’s

mane with yeast.”

“Yeast? Why yeast?” farmer Bill asked.

Farmer Joe responded, “Yeast is yeast and nest is nest, and never the

mane shall tweet.”

[Chalupa]

One night , after the couple had retired for the night, the woman

became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small

of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very

lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side,

sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side

to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips,

first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside

of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her

left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little

to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over

to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, "I found the remote!"

[7/4]

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice.

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My

wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask

their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know

them."

I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually

fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I

think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she

went out again and I decided to really check on her.

Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so

I could get a good view of the whole garage when she arrived home from a

night out with "the girls". When she got out of the car she was buttoning

up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse

and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs,

that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a

hairline crack right by the club head.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro

shop where I bought it?

Sounds a bit like this one.

[The Magnificent Goldberg]

Sounds a bit like this one.

Must have been dozing the day you posted that, one and three quarters.

MG

[Hot Ptah]

HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend

2. a companion

3. a lover

4. a brother

5. a father

6. a master

7. a chef

8. an electrician

9. a carpenter

10. a plumber

11. a mechanic

12. a decorator

13. a stylist

14. a sexologist

15. a gynecologist

16. a psychologist

17. a pest exterminator

18. a psychiatrist

19. a healer

20. a good listener

21. an organizer

22. a good father

23. very clean

24. sympathetic

25. athletic

26. warm

27. attentive

28. gallant

29. intelligent

30. funny

31. creative

32. tender

33. strong

34. understanding

35. tolerant

36. prudent

37. ambitious

38. capable

39. courageous

40. determined

41. true

42. dependable

43. passionate

44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly

46. love shopping

47. be honest

48. be very rich

49. not stress her out

50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself

53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:

* birthdays

* anniversaries

* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked

2. Bring food

The How to Make a Man Happy part has the comic ring of truth about it. The How to Make a Woman Happy part rings false, because what is listed there is insufficient.

[clifford_thornton]

Word.

[sidewinder]

"HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked

2. Bring food"

Forgot the beer.

[Chalupa]

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville

wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service

starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives,

their families, etc.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming

and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their

determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who

sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's

ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.

Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"

The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"

The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"

"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

[Chalupa]

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market

looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one

that service all of his many hens and when he told this to the market

vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you. Randy here

is the horniest rooster you will ever see!" So the farmer took Randy back

to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave

Randy a little pep talk.

"Randy", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff". And without a

word he strutted into the hen house. Randy was as fast as he was furious,

mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many

feathers flying, til Randy had finished having his way with each hen. But

Randy didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the

horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the

pig house,where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with

disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Randy, you'll kill yourself". But Randy

continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on

his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long

tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy. The farmer

walked up to Randy saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've

gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy".

"Shhhhh," Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."

[Stereojack]

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm???"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

The Professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.

[Chalupa]

A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by

throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about

to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her

tottering on the edge of the pier crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off

to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.

I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer he

slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and

you'll keep me happy".

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose?

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

>From then on every night he brought her three sandwiches and a

piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the

captain.

"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get

food and trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He sure is, lady," the Captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

[Jazzmoose]

[Chalupa]

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals.

The chief comes to them and says, "The bad

news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to skin you, put you

in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your

skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you

die."

The Frenchman says, "I shall die by poison." The chief gives him a

potion. "Vive la France!" he screams, as he downs the

mixture.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a

pistol. The Brit points it at his head, says, "God save the

queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs

and gives him a fork.

The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over, saying

"Here's your fuckin' canoe!"

[Chalupa]

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then

her husband dies. She remarries two weeks

later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while

later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're

finally together."

A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me father, but you do mean

her and her FIRST husband, or her and

her SECOND husband?"

The priest says, "I mean her legs."

(Add drum roll and rim shot here)

[The Magnificent Goldberg]

(Add drum roll and rim shot here)

MG

[Chalupa]

Once upon a time, a young man went to the circus. He was very excited, as he lived in western Manitoba, the kind of town where you shave and the trolley stops, and had never seen a circus before. Anyway, as the circus days drew near, the young man grew ever more excited. He arrived before dawn to get the best seat in the house, and was seated hours before the first trapeze act. Finally, the trapeze artists gave an awe-inspiring performance, the elephants danced, and the lion tamer tamed.

At last, the clowns came out in full regalia and green hair. They rode around by the gross in a purple Volkswagen. The volksie pulled up to the center of the ring, and an overweight clown with orange hair, acne, and a purple nose advanced to the podium: "Will the person in section A, row Y, seat 42 please stand up?"

The young man looked at his ticket, and to his surprise, he was sitting in that very seat. The young man stood up. Clown sez, "Wellllll, there's the horse's ass, now where's the rest of the horse?"

The man, dumbfounded, stood for a moment, then made his way quickly through the crowd and out of the tent. Returning home, the man wept for days, and mourned the loss of dignity and honor. Eventually reason overcame his grief and the man grew determined. "I'm not going to get mad, I'm going to get even, and avenge the honor of myself, my family, and this town," exclaimed the man.

He picked up the curriculum guide for the University of Nevada at Las Vegas (UNLV) correspondence courses and started to read. Eventually his eyes came to rest on an advertisement for a class in "Quick Wit Retorts." "Learn how to use those snappy comebacks to your advantage, now!" So the man sent in his $19.95 and soon received the course materials. In a few weeks, the man mastered the materials, and sent the final back to UNLV. Much to his surprise, a registered letter arrived from the president of UNLV. It read: Dear Sir: We are utterly flabbergasted at your performance in Quick Wit Retorts 101. We would be most gratified if you could come to UNLV to complete your degree with our fine academic institution. Here's a check to cover your expenses.

To make a long story short, the man made straight A's in the QWR program. He was awarded numerous distinctions and honors, and when he graduated, the graduation speaker Ed Meese awarded the man the Presidential Medal of Outstanding Quick Wit Retorts, signed by the President himself!

Some days afterward, Harvard University sent a Lear Jet to pick the man up for an interview. The graduate admissions officer didn't mince words. "If you complete our masters/doctoral tenured track program in QWR, you will never have to worry about money again," said he.

Needless to say, the man promptly moved to Cambridge. In 5 years, the man had finished his doctorate. By this time, the man was known throughout the world as the leading expert in Quick Wit Retorts. Word had even reached western Manitoba, which made his mother very proud. Everyone from the Pentagon pundits to Beltway bandits consulted the man on technical questions of QWR.

One day, while sitting at his desk reading his hometown newspaper, the man noticed that the circus was coming to his hometown again. An evil smile crossed the man's face. "Siegfried," cried the man to his assistant, "We must be away to Manitoba. Ready the jet!" As the plane crossed the downlands of Michigan, the man savored the moment of victory that was to be his.

The man arrived at the circus tent very early, making sure to get the seat in section A, row Y, seat 42. Finally, the trapeze artists gave an awe-inspiring performance, the elephants danced, and the lion tamer tamed.

At last, the clowns came out in full regalia and green hair. They rode around by the gross in a purple Volkswagen. The volksie pulled up to the center of the ring, and an overweight clown with orange hair, acne, and a purple nose advanced to the podium: "Will the person in section A, row Y, seat 42 please stand up?" The man glanced at his ticket. This time he was ready. Clown sez, "Wellllll, there's the horse's ass, now where's the rest of the horse?"

The man rose to his feet, full of confidence. He thrust out his chest and said in the loudest voice you can imagine: "FUCK YOU, CLOWN!!!!"

[Rooster_Ties]

How many members of a particular demographic group does it take to perform a specified task?

A finite number: one to perform the task, and an additional number to act in a manner stereotypical of the group in question.

[7/4]

The man rose to his feet, full of confidence. He thrust out his chest and said in the loudest voice you can imagine: "FUCK YOU, CLOWN!!!!"

[The Magnificent Goldberg]

I'm told this one is true. Sounds like wishful thinking to me.

Bono, the lead singer of the band, U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous. At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet. . ... "Well, f***kin' stop doin' it then, ya evil b*****d !"

MG