joke thread

[jacman]

Blonde Medical Terminology

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Anally -- occurring yearly

Artery -- study of paintings

Bacteria -- back door of cafeteria

Barium -- what doctors do when treatment fails

Bowel -- letter like A.E.I.O.U

Caesarian section -- district in Rome

Cat scan -- searching for kitty

Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her

Colic -- sheep dog

Coma -- a punctuation mark

Congenital -- friendly

D&C -- where Washington is

Diarrhea -- journal of daily events

Dilate -- to live long

Enema -- not a friend

Fester -- quicker

Fibula -- a small lie

Genital -- non-Jewish

G.I. Series -- soldiers' ball game

Grippe -- suitcase

Hangnail -- coathook

Impotent -- distinguished, well known

Intense pain -- torture in a teepee

Labour pain -- got hurt at work

Medical staff -- doctor's cane

Morbid -- higher offer

Nitrate -- cheaper than day rate

Node -- was aware of

Outpatient -- person who had fainted

Pap smear -- fatherhood test

Pelvis -- cousin of Elvis

Post operative -- letter carrier

Protein -- favouring young people

Rectum -- damn near killed 'em

Recovery room -- place to do upholstery

Rheumatic -- amorous

Scar -- rolled tobacco leaf

Secretion -- hiding anything

Seizure -- Roman emperor

Serology -- study of knighthood

Tablet -- small table

Terminal illness -- sickness at airport

Tibia -- country in North Africa

Tumour -- an extra pair

Urine -- opposite of you're out

Varicose -- located nearby

Vein -- conceited

===============================================

Four Jewish brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.

Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an S600 with a chauffeur."

The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Torah and you know she can't read it anymore because she can't see very well. I met this Rabbi who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the temple, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her thank you notes. She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes...and the driver you hired is a Nazi. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Menachim, you give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

[BERIGAN]

via email.....

Marketing:

> The buzz word, in today's business world, is MARKETING. Many people often

> ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well, here it is:

>

> You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You walk ove r to

> him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

> That's Direct Marketing

>

>

>

> You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of

> your friends goes up to the guy and, while pointing at you, says "That's

my

> friend and she's fantastic in bed."

> That's Advertising.

>

>

>

> You see a handsome guy at a party. You walk up to him, you introduce

> yourself,

> and you get his telephone number. The next day, you call him and say:

"Hi,

> I'm fantastic in bed."

> That's Telemarketing.

>

>

>

> You see a good looking guy at a party. You straighten your dress, you walk

> over to him, and you pour him a drink. You say: "May I," as you reach up

to

> straighten his tie, while brushing your breasts lightly against his arm.

> Then you say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

> That's Public Relations.

>

>

> You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks over to you and

> says, "I hear that you are fantastic in bed."

> That's Brand Recognition.

>

>

> You're at a party and you see a good looking guy. He fancies you, but

> you talk him into going home with your friend.

> That's a Sales Rep.

>

>

> Your friend can't satisfy him, so he calls you.

> That's Tech Support.

>

>

>

> You're on your way to a party, when you realize that there could be

handsome

> men in all the houses that you're passing. You climb onto the roof of one

of

> the houses and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed"

> That's Junk Mail.

>

> You're at a party and a very well-built, muscular guy walks up to you

> and gropes your breasts and grabs your ass.

> That's Arnold Schwarzenegger.

>

> You really like it, but 20 years later your attorney decides that you

> were offended...that's America.

Edited January 31, 2004 by BERIGAN

[neveronfriday]

Question:

What's black, white and red ... and can't walk through revolving doors?

Answer:

A nun with a spear through her head.

[BERIGAN]

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity. Suddenly, the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off. Angrily, she tosses it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple is a man and his 12 year old daughter. The little girl is just chatting away at her father when, all of a sudden, the penis smacks the pickup on the windshield, sticks for a

moment, then flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"

Not wanting to expose his twelve year old daughter to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."

The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes she says, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?!!"

[Jazzmoose]

[doubleM]

What has hit more balls than Arnold Palmer? Liberace's necklace.

[JSngry]

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think

God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate us anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with

new found pride.

"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, Our marines could blow the shit out of him."

[JSngry]

Dialect humor, anybody?

Thibodeaux was driving his car past Boudreaux's

house and saw a Sign that read: "Boat For Sale".

Thibodeaux marches up to Boudreaux's front porch

and wraps hard on the door and Boudreaux opens it.

Thibodeaux say, "Boudreaux! How long we ban frands?"

Boudreaux say, "Well... All our lives Thibodeaux."

Thibodeaux say, "Why don't you told me you gotta boat?"

Boudreaux say, "I ant gotta boat!"

Thibodeaux say, "Da' sign say 'BOAT FOR SALE'".

Boudreaux say, "OH-NO Thibodeaux! See dat old '72 Frd pickem'up truck over-dare."

Thibodeaux say, "Yas, I see dat old pickem'up truck."

Boudreaux say, "See dat '76 Cheverloet Ce-dan."

Thibodeaux say, "Yas, I see dat Ce-dan."

Boudreaux say, "Well, dey boat for sale."

====================================================

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in

an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them

at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the

men say the following "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses

come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together

again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.

"In this country....we don't speak aloud in pubic places about our

sex lives.........

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm

a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

[JSngry]

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know

where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when

I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for

the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel

manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn

right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is.

Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do

this? Who and where are they? Go Kick their ass!

5. When people say while watching a film "did yo u see that?". No Loser, I

paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a

choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it?

If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an

improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn

thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come

yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

[JSngry]

A bright, young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined the IRS,excited to begin tracking down high-powered offenders-just as the Enron or WorldCom guys.

Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi.

Looking over the books and taxes were pretty straight forward, and the Rabbi clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.

"Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question

actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious

way..."Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the

crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up

all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the I.R.S."

"The I.R.S.?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ahh, yes," replied the Rabbi, " the I.R.S. " ...and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."

[JSngry]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

2. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

3. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

4. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

5. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

6. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

7. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

8. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

9. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

10. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

11. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

12. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

13. She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.

9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT or a CHEATER - He is MONOGAMOUSLY

CHALLENGED

[maren]

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"

That reminds me of the one about the mohel (guy who performs circumcisions)...

A mohel was getting on in years, and made the decision to retire. He had saved and preserved all the foreskins he had circumcised in his 50 years on the job. His wife wanted to have them made into something special to memorialize her husband's life's work, so she brought them into the shop of a leather craftsman, who said "Yes, I can make something very nice out of these -- come back in a week to pick it up."

The mohel's wife returned to the shop a week later, and the craftsman handed her a little gift box. Inside was a wallet. She said, "That's it? My husband's life's work is a wallet? It's lovely, but it's only a wallet!"

The craftsman replied, "It may look like it's only a wallet, but if you rub it for a minute, it turns into a suitcase!"

[Soulstation1]

what is snoop dogg's favorite weather?

drizzle

my nizzles

ss1

[JohnJ]

Corporate Lessons.

Corporate lesson 1

---------------------------

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her

shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which

one should go and answer the door bell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps

herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there

stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says,"I'll

give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking

for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in

the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her

husband asks from the shower "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door

neighbour," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything

about the 800 dollars he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit

and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to

prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate lesson 2

---------------------------

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he

stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed

her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had

a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily

slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said,

"Father,remember psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologised

profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to

remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his

hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember

psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologised."Sorry sister but the flesh is

weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful

glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed

to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek,

further up, you will find glory."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss

a great opportunity!

Corporate Lesson 3

----------------------------

Usually the staff of the company play football. The middle level managers

are more interested in Tennis. The top management usually has a preference

for Golf.

MORAL OF THE STORY: As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls reduce in

size.

Corporate Lesson 4

----------------------------

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch

when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a

puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll

give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas,

driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in

Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply

of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

MORAL OF THE STORY: always let your boss have the first say

[Big Al]

A doctor is in his office late one night, contemplating the deed he's done: he's had sex with one of his patients, and now he's starting to feel the moral tug of his Hippocratic Oath. On his shoulder appears a little devil who says, "Yeah buddy; that was great, wasn't it? And no one will ever know! It's just between you and the patient."

On the other shoulder, a little angel who says, "Yeah, but you're a veterinarian...."

[BERIGAN]

>A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from

>her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

>

>"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

>

>Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

>

>The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and

>that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

>

>Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some

>collateral.

>

>The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain

>elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

>

>Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the

>bank manager and disappears into a back office.

>

>She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger

>out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he

>wants to use this as collateral."

>

>She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is

>this?"

>

>

>

>(you're gonna love this)

>

>

>

>(its a real treat)

>

>

>

>( a masterpiece)

>

>

>

>(wait for it)

>

>The bank manager looks back at her and says...

>

>"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's

>a Rolling Stone."

[Jazzmoose]

That's lame, Ber. And that's not just my opinion, all twenty-five people I've told it to agree!

[Jazzmoose]

I blame this one on my wife; she forwarded it to me...

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you

haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few

moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and

also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is

most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his

computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to

the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried, "$150

just to tell me my duck is dead?!!" The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd

taken my word for it, the bill would have been only $20, but what with the

Lab Report and the Cat Scan"...

[BERIGAN]

-_-

[BERIGAN]

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!

The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The President of the society pointed at the first drawing and said: & I quote This looks like a woman. We can judge that it was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey,

so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them.

Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine had hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.

The audience applauded enthusiastically, but a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left...... It says: Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Woman.

Edited March 23, 2004 by BERIGAN

[PHILLYQ]

And your avatar is eminently watchable!

[Jazzmoose]

Another "gift" from my other half...

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and dancing, but every once in a while, the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?" The bartender nervously replied, "I really don't think you should." "Why not?" the nun asked.

"Well, there is a life-size statue of a naked man in there, and his most private parts are covered only by a fig leaf." "Nonsense," said the nun, "I'll just look the other way." So the bartender showed! the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping wit h music and dancing again. However, they did

stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She walked up to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" "Well, because now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?" "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzle nun. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on that

statue is lifted up, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?"

[BERIGAN]

Another "gift" from my other half...

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and dancing, but every once in a while, the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?" The bartender nervously replied, "I really don't think you should." "Why not?" the nun asked.

"Well, there is a life-size statue of a naked man in there, and his most private parts are covered only by a fig leaf." "Nonsense," said the nun, "I'll just look the other way." So the bartender showed! the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping wit h music and dancing again. However, they did

stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She walked up to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" "Well, because now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?" "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzle nun. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on that

statue is lifted up, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?"

Terrible!

terribly funny!

[clifford_thornton]

My two faves are very simple:

Q: "How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"

A: "Wanna go for a bike ride?"

and from my days as a five-year-old (still cracks me up):

Q: What's the difference between a dog?

A: One of its legs are both the same!

[BERIGAN]

Should children witness childbirth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic

responded to the call.

The house was very, very dark, so the

paramedic asked Kathleen, a

4-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her

mommy so he could see while he

helped deliver the baby. Very diligently,

Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a

little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet

and spanked him on his bottom.

Connor began to cry. The paramedic then

thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 4-year old what

she thought about what she had

just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't

have crawled in there in

the

first place, smack his ass again!"