Bright Moments Posted October 31, 2003 Report Posted October 31, 2003 Man 1: My dog has no nose. Man 2: How does he smell? Man 1: Terrible! (but my 5 year old loves it!) Quote
Ed S Posted October 31, 2003 Report Posted October 31, 2003 How much did the pirate pay for corn at the supermarket? He paid a buck an ear........ Quote
Simon Weil Posted October 31, 2003 Report Posted October 31, 2003 What do you call an arab who owns a dairy herd? A milk sheik. (I gave up making up jokes after that) Quote
connoisseur series500 Posted October 31, 2003 Report Posted October 31, 2003 Catesta's portfolio is full of this stuff! paging.... Quote
AfricaBrass Posted October 31, 2003 Report Posted October 31, 2003 Redneck Engineering Exam 1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum. 2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? a) '66 Ford Fairlane B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle c) '64 Pontiac GTO 3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product? 4. A pulpwood cutter has chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The lot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees? 5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer? 6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed? 7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land? 8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields? 9. A Coal Mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift? 10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You Might Be A Redneck If... ....your stairmaster has an ashtray ....you think tobacco is a vegetable ....the jack-o-lantern on your porch has more teeth than you do ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ways to Tell a Redneck was on Your Computer 1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter." 2. The keyboard is camouflaged. 3. There is a skoal can in the CD-ROM drive. 4. The password is, "bubba." 5. The numeric keypad only goes up to six. 6. "Winders 95" has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it. 7. Outgoing faxes have beerstains on them. 8. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them. 9. The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options. 10. The monitor is up on blocks. 11. Seven blue tick hounds under the desk. 12. Deer jerky in the desk drawer. 13. The screen saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with Dueling Banjos playing in the background. 14. The six front keys have rotted out. 15. John Deere Pocket Protectors. Quote
AfricaBrass Posted October 31, 2003 Report Posted October 31, 2003 Late one dark and rainy night a man was walking home alone when he hears a....... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... behind him. Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ... faster... faster... BUMP... BUMP.... BUMP. He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping ... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... on the heels of the terrified man.... Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the coffin starts breaking down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him. The man screams and reaches for something heavy, anything ... his hand comes to rest on a large bottle of ROBITUSSIN. Desperate, he throws the Robitussin as hard as he can at the apparition, and... the coffin stops. Quote
AfricaBrass Posted October 31, 2003 Report Posted October 31, 2003 THINGS TO PONDER Can you cry under water? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round? Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? What did cured ham actually have? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you? Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America? Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call? Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. Quote
Jazzmoose Posted October 31, 2003 Report Posted October 31, 2003 Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Okay, I have to admit it: I liked that one... Quote
Big Al Posted October 31, 2003 Report Posted October 31, 2003 What do you call a dog with no legs? Cigarette, and then take him out for a drag! Quote
minew Posted October 31, 2003 Report Posted October 31, 2003 What's brown and sticky? ........a stick! Quote
Bright Moments Posted November 1, 2003 Author Report Posted November 1, 2003 What do you call a dog with no legs? Cigarette, and then take him out for a drag! What do you call a cow with no legs? GROUND BEEF! __________ What do you call a dog with no legs? NOTHING-HE WON"T COME ANYWAY! Quote
Alexander Posted November 1, 2003 Report Posted November 1, 2003 A three headed man with no arms and one leg decides to see the world. So be books a flight to England. Arriving at Heathrow airport, he goes outside to wait for a cab. After a few moments a cab pulls up, and the cabbie leans out the window saying: "'Ello, 'ello, 'ello. You look 'armless. 'Op in!" ******************************************************************** Did you hear the one about the two peanuts that went for a walk last night? One was assaulted. ******************************************************************** These two strings walk into a bar. They order up a round of drinks, but the bartender refuses to serve them. "We don't like your type around here," he says. Dejected, the strings leave. As they're headed out the door, they pass a third string on his way in. "Hey, buddy," one of the strings says, "You're wasting your time. This guy's a bigot. He doesn't serve strings." The third string says, "He'll serve me." And he proceeds to tie himself up and mess up his ends. Then he walks up to the bartender and orders a beer. "Wait a minute," the bartender says, "You ain't one of those strings, are you?" "No," says the string, "I'm a frayed knot." ******************************************************************** A blind man with a seeing-eye dog walks into a bar. Suddenly, he grabs the dog by the leash, and starts swinging it over his head. "My God!" says the bartender, "What are you doing?" The blind man says, "Just looking around." ******************************************************************** A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. A few minutes later, a kangaroo hops in, sits down right next to him, and orders himself a martini. The man calls the bartender over and says, "That's strangest thing I've ever seen." "Yeah," says the bartender, "Normally, he's a bourbon man." ******************************************************************* Guy walks into a bar. Sits down and orders a drink. He starts watching a game of darts at the other end of the bar. Bartender says to the man, "You a betting man?" "Sure," the guy says, "I can't pass up a friendly wager." "I'll bet you a hundred dollars that I can throw a dart from here and hit the bullseye all the way at the other end of the bar." The bartender says. The guy looks and sees the target is pretty far away. There's no way anyone could hit a bullseye from here. "Ok," the man says, "You're on." The bartender takes a dart, and throws it at the target, hitting it square in the middle. The man is aghast. "That'll be a hundred bucks." The bartender smiles. The next day, the man goes back to the bar. "You've got to give me a chance to win back that money." he says to the bartender. "Ok," the bartender says, "I'll bet you a thousand bucks that I can beat you at pool." The guy thinks to himself, I'm a pretty good pool player. I can easily win back my hundred, and get another nine hundred bucks besides. "Ok," the man says, "You're on." So they rack 'em up and start to play. The bartender breaks and proceeds to clear the table in minutes. "That'll be a thousand bucks." The bartender says. Now the man is desperate. He comes back the next day and says, "You've got to give me one more chance to win my money back. My wife is going to kill me." The bartender looks pensive and says, "Let me think about it." Then he walks down to the end of the bar and talks to a man seated there for a few minutes. Then he comes back and says, "Ok. I'll bet you ten thousand dollars that I can piss over your shoulder and into the glass on the table behind you." The man thinks for a moment. His wife is mad enough as it is. If he loses ten thousand dollars, she'll kill him. On the other hand, there's no way the bartender could really piss over his shoulder in to glass five feet away. He can win his money back, and make another nine grand while's at it. "Ok," the man says, "You're on." The bartender unzips his fly, whips out his dick, and proceeds to pee all over the man. He never gets one drop into the glass. The man is overjoyed. The bartender just smiles and gives the urine soaked man ten crisp thousand dollar bills. "You just lost ten grand!" The man says, "How can you just stand there and smile?" "Because," the bartender says, "I just bet that guy at the end of the bar a hundred grand that I could piss all over you and you wouldn't say a word." ******************************************************************** Quote
BERIGAN Posted February 18, 2006 Report Posted February 18, 2006 A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot." "Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird." "Oh yeah?" the guy asks, ! "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion." The guy looks at the $20000 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that." "Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!" The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman." "What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie." "WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?" "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot. "NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?" "Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie! ! , got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...." Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?" "Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!" Quote
Big Al Posted February 18, 2006 Report Posted February 18, 2006 Two guys walk into a bar. One received stitches, the other a mild concussion. Quote
BERIGAN Posted February 18, 2006 Report Posted February 18, 2006 Two guys walk into a bar. One received stitches, the other a mild concussion. Quote
DTMX Posted February 19, 2006 Report Posted February 19, 2006 A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this - some kind of joke?" /you don't have to work blue to succeed in show biz... but it doesn't hurt. Quote
md655321 Posted February 19, 2006 Report Posted February 19, 2006 A grasshopper walks into a bar and takes a seat. Bartender say 'hey we have a drink named after you!." The grasshopper says "Really? You have a drink named Steve?!?" Q: Whats the best way to catch a fish? A: Have someone throw it to you. Pirate walks into a bar and has a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender says, "Hey guy, you know you have a steering wheel in your pants?" The pirate replies, "Aaaaarrrrgh, its driving me nuts!" Quote
tonym Posted February 19, 2006 Report Posted February 19, 2006 A man walks into a nightclub one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One Cent?", exclaimed the man. So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?" "Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the man. "4 cents," the bartender replied. "Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender! replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business." Quote
tonym Posted February 19, 2006 Report Posted February 19, 2006 (edited) The lady of the house was rather taken by her cars, and asked this question of her husband: "Could you buy me something that goes from 0 to 100 in less than 4 seconds - preferably in light blue?" Christmas drew nearer and nearer, and her husband, as always, decided to fulfil her wish. Kilograms by the way, not lbs..... Edited February 19, 2006 by tonym Quote
tonym Posted February 19, 2006 Report Posted February 19, 2006 A man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued... "May I ask what the turkey did?" Quote
tonym Posted February 19, 2006 Report Posted February 19, 2006 It is reported this morning that Donald Rumsfeld gave the president his daily briefing. He concluded by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed." "OH NO!" the President exclaimed . "That's terrible!" His staff sat stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sat, head in hands. Finally, the President looked up and asked , "How many is a brazillion?" Quote
tonym Posted February 19, 2006 Report Posted February 19, 2006 An Australian ventriloquist, visiting Wales, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun. Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?" Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie." Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?" Dog: "Doin' all right." Villager: (look of extreme shock) Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager) Dog: "Yep" Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play." Villager: (look of utter disbelief) Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think." Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Cool" Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded) Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager) Horse: "Yep" Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements." Villager: (total look of amazement) Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" Villager: "The sheep's a f***ing liar!" Quote
mikeweil Posted February 19, 2006 Report Posted February 19, 2006 A one-sentence-joke: Two musicians walk past a bar ...... Quote
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