Song lyrics that make you want to scream

[Alexander]

Neil Diamond? Neil Young.

One o'those Neils.

Speaking of Neils, Neil Diamond is responsible for some pretty repellant lyrics. The worst is "I am I Said"...

LA's fine, sunshine most of the time

The feeling is laid back

Palm trees grow and the rents are low

But you know I keep thinking about

Making my way back

Well, I'm New York City born and raised

But nowadays, I'm lost between two shores

LA's fine, but it ain't home

New York's home but it ain't mine no more

I am, I said

To no one there

And no one heard at all

Not even the chair

I am, I cried

I am, said I

And I am lost, and I can't even say why

Leavin' me lonely still

Did you ever read about a frog who dreamed of being a king

And then became one

Well, except for the names and a few other changes

If you talk about me, the story's the same one

But I got an emptiness deep inside

And I've tried but it won't let me go

And I'm not a man who likes to swear

But I've never cared for the sound of being alone

I am, I said

To no one there

And no one heard at all

Not even the chair

I am, I cried

I am, said I

And I am lost, and I can't even say why

I am, I said

I am, I cried

I am...

I think I can say why you're lost, Neil. You're expecting a response from the goddamn chair, that's your problem!

[Joe G]

Yeah - we noticed that little oddity as well.

[BruceH]

Neil Diamond? Neil Young.

One o'those Neils.

Speaking of Neils, Neil Diamond is responsible for some pretty repellant lyrics.

TELL me about it... He's also an amazingly terrible singer. I wonder if he kicks dogs too.

[AllenLowe]

where's the dirty stuff?

[Ted O'Reilly]

where's the dirty stuff?

You say that like "dirty stuff" is inherently bad.

[Jazzmoose]

I think I can say why you're lost, Neil. You're expecting a response from the goddamn chair, that's your problem!

Damn straight; that's a classic howler! Stupid stuck-up chair...

[Rosco]

I've always been bothered by the lyrics of John & Yoko's 'Happy Christmas, War is Over'.

Apart from the general sappiness of the lyric, it starts out with:

So this is Christmas

And what have you done?

Another year over

And a new one just begun

Uh... no. If it's Christmas then there's another week left until the new one begins.

Bugs the hell out of me every year.

[DTMX]

When I heard Steve Miller rhyme "abracadabra" with "reach out and grab ya" I felt like I'd been slapped in the face. Surprisingly enough, this was not the first time Mr. Miller's lyrics had had this effect on me.

Radio Birdman (Aussie punk band) have a lyric:

Hey girl I watched you dancing

To the rocking bands

where each syllable of the last line has a chord change on the beat so that it comes out like:

Hey girl I watched you dancing

To

The

Rock

In

Bands

I swear that every time I hear it in the car or on the iPod I let out an audible "ugh".

[AllenLowe]

well, in my old age I've become a lyricist/songwriter; here's my country and western tune:

Lonesome and Dead

I took a walk last night to look at the stars

To breathe the cold night air, the exhaust from old cars

And later, sleepless and cold as I

lay in my bed

I thought I might as well face it, I’m lonesome and dead

I had a dream where I saw the whole past

Every dead relative, united at last

And as each one walked up to me, they shook my hand and said:

“It’s really nice to see you son, but you’re lonesome and dead.”

I came home, she was packing everything she owns

If her love was a bank, she was calling in her loans –

And as she kissed me goodbye she licked my ear and said:

“You know I love you honey but you’re lonesome and dead.”

I guess it’s just life, no one knows that you’re there

You’re small and invisible, transparent as air –

When I walk down the street, no one even turns their head,

Sometimes I wonder if I’m lonesome and dead

It may be my time, the light’s starting to dim –

I’m in deep water, and I can’t swim –

And as things turn to black, I remember the last thing she said:

“You know I love you honey, but you’re lonesome and dead

[AllenLowe]

here's my take on the old country song Oh Death:

Oi Death

what is this,

the room is

cold

this was foretold

I am death

I am the shadow on your wall

I am that which comes all days

before the fall

oi, death, oi, death

oi, death, oi death

lead us out of Eastern Europe,

just like Moses

lead us out before the camp gate slams and closes

because even after war,

the Polish mobs

are at your door –

oi, death, oi, death

oi, death, oi death

Jews have died,

but only one was crucified

oi, death, oi, death

oi, death, oi death

I am death,

I will see that your widow cries –

Let your children watch you die

before your eyes,

stop your heart before you can

say your goodbyes –

oi, death, oi, death

oi, death, oi death

my gullet seizes,

breath turns cold,

my bones are

brittle

come here mother, take a towel,

and wipe myspittle.

Ich ver alt ich ver alt

und der pupik wird mir kalt

ich ver alt

und der pupik wird mire kalt

oi death oi death

oi death oi death

mark my gravestone

with these words,

to see me through:

“look, here lies,

among the flies, another

Jew” –

and kick some dirt and

run from this whole

graveside scene,

‘cause only goyim worry that

their grave’s kept

clean –

oi death oi death

oi death oi death

[AllenLowe]

and here's my rant against the goyim, by way of Lou Reed:

Goyishe World

Oh, oh

goyishe world,

please let me be

goyishe world...

If you think that I'm not right,

than please just let me sleep the night,

goyishe world...

Oh, oh

goyishe world,

mama's gone,

goyishe world...

sometimes when I drift asleep

I dream of a wall where widows weep,

goyishe world

oh, oh.

goyishe world,

please let me in,

'goyishe world...

is there something that I lack?

go, burn that cross that's on my back!

goyishe world

oh,

Yeshiva boy,

what you doin' uptown?

Yeshiva boy...

going home for Pesach prayers

running the gauntlet of Christian stares

taking a beating, it's a small price

to pay for he death of Christ -

goyishe world...

oh, oh

goyishe world,

I'm in hell,

goyishe world...

would it make you feel better to see

me spit on a phylactery?

goyishe world

oh,

revenge is sweet,

goyishe world...

just because we killed your lord,

hey it was the weekend, and we were bored!

goyishe world...

oh, oh

goyishe world,

Babel's dead,

and so am I -

tie my had and bind my feet,

Jewish blood is moist and sweet,

goyishe world...

goyishe world...

goyishe world...

[Alexander]

I've always been bothered by the lyrics of John & Yoko's 'Happy Christmas, War is Over'.

Apart from the general sappiness of the lyric, it starts out with:

So this is Christmas

And what have you done?

Another year over

And a new one just begun

Uh... no. If it's Christmas then there's another week left until the new one begins.

Bugs the hell out of me every year.

He's clearly talking about the Christmas season which begins on December 25th and ends on January 6th (the feast of the Epiphany, also known as Old Christmas). Duh!

I actually always liked that lyric. Far, far better than McCartney's Christmas song...

"Simply having a wonderful Christmas time..."

If there were ever lyrics that perfectly captured the difference between John and Paul...

[Alexander]

Another song I have long hated is "Dance Hall Days" by Wang Chung (a poor man's Bowie if there ever was one).

Take your baby by the hand

And make her do a high hand stand

Take your baby by the heel

And do the next thing that you feel

Chorus:

We were so in phase

In our dance hall days

We were cool on craze

When I, you, and everyone we knew

Could believe, do, and share in what was true

Oh, I said

Take your baby by the hair

And pull her close and there there there

Take your baby by the ears

And play upon her darkest fears

Repeat chorus

So take your baby by the wrist

And in her mouth an amethyst

And in her eyes two sapphires blue

And you need her and she needs you

And you need her and she needs you

This guy isn't dancing with his baby. He's beating her senseless! "Take your baby by the hair and pull her closer, there, there, there..." "Take your baby by the ears and play upon her darkest fears..." My favorite is "Take your baby by the wrist and in her mouth an amethyst." Not only is it a bad idea to keep semi-precious stones in your mouth while you dance (choking hazard), but it's REALLY a bad idea when your dance partner is grabbing your hair and your ears. Not sure I'd want to dance with this guy...

Paul McCartney and Ray Davies both treated the dance hall thing much better in "Ballroom Dancing" and "Come Dancing," respectively...

[Alexander]

Here's another one: "You Sexy Thing" by Hot Chocolate. It's not so much the lyrical content of this song that bugs me (although it's certainly not one of Shakespeare's sonnets) as the picture I get in my head of this guy screaming "touch me baby! You sexy thing!" I always imagine a fat, sweaty guy with a Jheri Curl...

I believe in miracles

Where you from

You sexy thing

I believe in miracles

Since you came along

You sexy thing

Miracles right before my eyes

You sexy thing got me hypnotised

Don't stop what ya' doing

What ya' doing to me

My angel from above lying next to me

How did ya' know that I'd be the one

Been a long time coming only just begun

Doing all the things that makes my heart sing

Keep doing what you're doing you sexy thing

How did ya' know I needed you so badly

How did ya' know I gave my heart gladly

Yesterday I was one of a lonely people

Now you're lying next to me

Making love to me

I believe in miracles

Where you from

You sexy thing

You sexy thing

I believe in miracles

Since you came along

You sexy thing

Only yesterday I was on my own

Just another day later my mind was blown

You sexy thing come into my life

Forever and a day it feels so right

How did ya' know that I'd be the one

Been a long time coming only just begun

Doing all the things that makes my heart sing

Keep doing what you're doing you sexy thing

How did ya' know I needed you so badly

How did ya' know I gave my heart gladly

Yesterday I was one of a lonely people

Now you're lying next to me

Making love to me

I believe in miracles

Where you from

You sexy thing

You sexy thing

I believe in miracles

Since you came along

You sexy thing

Kiss me baby

You sexy thing

You sexy thing

Touch me baby

You sexy thing

You sexy thing

Kiss me baby

You sexy thing

You sexy thing

Touch me baby

You sexy thing

You sexy thing

Kiss me baby

You sexy thing

You sexy thing

Touch me baby

You sexy thing

You sexy thing

Kiss me baby

You sexy thing

You sexy thing

Touch me baby

You sexy thing

You sexy thing

You sexy thing

Edited June 12, 2008 by Alexander

[GA Russell]

In the 50s, Steve Allen had a routine in which he would claim that rock 'n' roll lyrics were great poetry. He would then recite the lyrics of a hit in a deadpan manner.

Darling, you ooo ooo ooo send me.

Darling, you ooo ooo ooo send me.

Whoa.

You ooo ooo ooo send me.

Honest you do.

Honest you do.

Honest you do.

Whoa.

[Van Basten II]

Another song I have long hated is "Dance Hall Days" by Wang Chung (a poor man's Bowie if there ever was one).

Take your baby by the hand

And make her do a high hand stand

Take your baby by the heel

And do the next thing that you feel

Chorus:

We were so in phase

In our dance hall days

We were cool on craze

When I, you, and everyone we knew

Could believe, do, and share in what was true

Oh, I said

Take your baby by the hair

And pull her close and there there there

Take your baby by the ears

And play upon her darkest fears

Repeat chorus

So take your baby by the wrist

And in her mouth an amethyst

And in her eyes two sapphires blue

And you need her and she needs you

And you need her and she needs you

This guy isn't dancing with his baby. He's beating her senseless! "Take your baby by the hair and pull her closer, there, there, there..." "Take your baby by the ears and play upon her darkest fears..." My favorite is "Take your baby by the wrist and in her mouth an amethyst." Not only is it a bad idea to keep semi-precious stones in your mouth while you dance (choking hazard), but it's REALLY a bad idea when your dance partner is grabbing your hair and your ears. Not sure I'd want to dance with this guy...

Paul McCartney and Ray Davies both treated the dance hall thing much better in "Ballroom Dancing" and "Come Dancing," respectively...

Considering that these geniuses came up with that one, can't see how you can complain about the dance hall

I'd drive a million miles

To be with you tonight

So if you're feeling low

Turn up your radio

The words we use are strong

They make reality

But now the music's on

Oh baby dance with me

Rip it up - move down

Rip it up - move it down to the ground

Rip it up - cool down

Rip it up - don't hang it on the borderline

Chorus:

Everybody have fun tonight

Everybody have fun tonight

Everybody Wang Chung tonight

Everybody have fun tonight

Everybody Wang Chung tonight

Everybody have fun

Deep in the world tonight

Our hearts beat safe and sound

I'll hold you so close

Just let yourself go down

Rip it up - move down

Rip it up - move it down to the ground

Rip it up - cool down

Rip it up - get out what's inside of you

Repeat Chorus

On the edge of oblivion

And all the world is Babylon

And all the love and everyone

A ship of fools sailing on

E-ever-y-ybody, Everybody have fun tonight

E-ever-y-ybody, Everybody have fun tonight

Across the nation, around the world

Everybody have fun tonight

A celebration so spread the word

E-ever-y-ybody, E-ever-y-yone, (Everybody have fun)

E-ever-y-ybody, (Wang Chung) E-ever-y-yone

(Could you tell me what a Wang Chung is?)

E-ever-y-ybody, E-ever-y-yone

Everybody have fun tonight

Everybody have fun tonight

Everybody Wang Chung tonight

Everybody have fun tonight

Everybody Wang Chung tonight

Everybody have fun tonight

Everybody have fun

E-ever-y-ybody, (Everyone) E-ever-y-yone, (Tell me what a Wang Chung a) E-ever-y-ybody, (Everybody) E-ever-y-yone

E-ever-y-ybody, E-ever-y-yone, E-ever-y-ybody, E-ever-y-yone

As annoying as it is when you read it, beleive me it's even worse when you hear it.

Edited June 12, 2008 by Van Basten II

[Rosco]

I've always been bothered by the lyrics of John & Yoko's 'Happy Christmas, War is Over'.

Apart from the general sappiness of the lyric, it starts out with:

So this is Christmas

And what have you done?

Another year over

And a new one just begun

Uh... no. If it's Christmas then there's another week left until the new one begins.

Bugs the hell out of me every year.

He's clearly talking about the Christmas season which begins on December 25th and ends on January 6th (the feast of the Epiphany, also known as Old Christmas). Duh!

Even allowing for this possibility it still doesn't work for half of it. And who's still listening to Christmas songs on January 6th?

I stand by my original assertion that it's a crock.

I actually always liked that lyric. Far, far better than McCartney's Christmas song...

"Simply having a wonderful Christmas time..."

If there were ever lyrics that perfectly captured the difference between John and Paul...

This, at least, is indisputable.

[Dan Gould]

I've always been bothered by the lyrics of John & Yoko's 'Happy Christmas, War is Over'.

Apart from the general sappiness of the lyric, it starts out with:

So this is Christmas

And what have you done?

Another year over

And a new one just begun

Uh... no. If it's Christmas then there's another week left until the new one begins.

Bugs the hell out of me every year.

He's clearly talking about the Christmas season which begins on December 25th and ends on January 6th (the feast of the Epiphany, also known as Old Christmas). Duh!

Even allowing for this possibility it still doesn't work for half of it. And who's still listening to Christmas songs on January 6th?

I stand by my original assertion that it's a crock.

Well count me as one who agrees with Alex. You don't have a sense at Christmas that another year is over and a new is about to begin? Do you only think about Christmas up until the 25th, then starting the day after you think about New Year's?

Yeah, "just begun" doesn't work on Christmas Day but maybe "and a new one about to begin" doesn't fit either.

[skeith]

I generally like Gram Parsons's output (and yes I also have plenty of Hank Williams, Willie Nelson and Merle Haggard)

but a few lines from his song "$1000 Wedding" always drive me nuts where he sings about a minister addressing a crowd assembled for a wedding. Here they are:

The Revereand Doctor William Grace was talking to the crowd

All about the sweet child's holy face and the saints who sung out loud

And he swore the fiercest beasts

Could all be put to sleep the same silly way

And where are the flowers for the girl....

I am talking about the last two lines in italics before the bottom - WTF???

Other than that, I like the song.

Edited June 12, 2008 by skeith

[skeith]

And 50's rock and dumb lyrics go together like beer and pretzels.

Maybe. But ever listen to Chuck Berry? Some of the greatest song lyrics ever written!!

[jazzypaul]

All y'all Wang Chung haters can kiss my grits. They more than make up for Everybody Wang Chung with To Live and Die in LA, which is a great tune.

Now, onto the crappy craptastic tunes...

First, practically anything off of the first Silverchair album, but especially the song Tomorrow:

"Its twelve oclock, and its a wonderful day,

I know you hate me, but Ill ask anyway,

Dude, if the guy hates you, why do you want to pal around with him and waste a wonderful day?

Wont you come with me, to a place in a little town,

The only way to get theres to go straight down,

do you have to dig through solid earth to get there? Are we about to witness a scene from the Lord of the Rings or something?

Theres no bathroom, and there is no sink,

The water out of the tap is very, hard to drink,

Very hard to drink,

I would assume that if there's no sink, then there's probably no tap, which, yes, would make water hard to drink, if you were specifically attempting to get water from the faucet.

You, wait til tomorrow,

You, wait til tomorrow,

You say that money, isnt everything,

But Id like to see you live without it,

not as nonsensical as what was in the first verse, but still, pretty damned awful.

You think you can keep on going living like a king,

Oohh babe, but I strongly doubt it,

Yeah, without money, it's a little hard to live like royalty. Congrats on the profound thoughts, Mr. Silverchair.

Very hard to drink,

Very hard to drink,

really? did you really have to skimp on the lyrics here?

You gonna wait too, fat boy,

Fat boy, wait til tomorrow,

You gonna wait too, fat boy,

Fat boy, wait til tomorrow,

You, wait til tomorrow,

You, wait til tomorrow,

You gonna wait too, fat boy,

Fat boy, wait til tomorrow,

You gonna wait too, fat boy,

Fat boy, wait til tomorrow."

Where does the fat boy come from? What happens tomorrow? These might be the worst lyrics of all time. Way worse than mmmbop or anything by Hootie OR the blowfish.

I won't even get into that Nickelback song about being a rockstar. Someone needs to spill blood for that one.

[Hot Ptah]

I have always winced at Bob Dylan's "Winterlude":

Winterlude, Winterlude, oh darlin',

Winterlude by the road tonight.

Tonight there will be no quarrelin',

Ev'rything is gonna be all right.

Oh, I see by the angel beside me

That love has a reason to shine.

You're the one I adore, come over here and give me more,

Then Winterlude, this dude thinks you're fine.

Winterlude, Winterlude, my little apple,

Winterlude by the corn in the field,

Winterlude, let's go down to the chapel,

Then come back and cook up a meal.

Well, come out when the skating rink glistens

By the sun, near the old crossroads sign.

The snow is so cold, but our love can be bold,

Winterlude, don't be rude, please be mine.

Winterlude, Winterlude, my little daisy,

Winterlude by the telephone wire,

Winterlude, it's makin' me lazy,

Come on, sit by the logs in the fire.

The moonlight reflects from the window

Where the snowflakes, they cover the sand.

Come out tonight, ev'rything will be tight,

Winterlude, this dude thinks you're grand.

I just don't like the way he rhymes "dude" with "lude", or "cold" with "bold". They seem like such lazy rhymes. And then when he compares her to an apple, refers to corn, and then says they'll cook up a meal--huh? And then it's obviously set in a harsh winter climate, with heavy snowfall, and then we find out at the end that it's also a sandy area--again, huh?

I just think that Dylan tossed off some images and rhymes unworthy of him, to fill out an album. As it is sung in such a romantic easy listening voice (for him), it increases the irritation level for me.

[Hot Ptah]

Perhaps it's too easy a target, but Rupert Holmes' "Escape" has lyrics that I can't stand:

I was tired of my lady, we'd been together too long.

Like a worn-out recording, of a favorite song.

So while she lay there sleeping, I read the paper in bed.

And in the personals column, there was this letter I read:

"If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.

If you're not into yoga, if you have half-a-brain.

If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape.

I'm the lady you've looked for, write to me, and escape."

I didn't think about my lady, I know that sounds kind of mean.

But me and my old lady, had fallen into the same old dull routine.

So I wrote to the paper, took out a personal ad.

And though I'm nobody's poet, I thought it wasn't half-bad.

"Yes, I like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.

I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne.

I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon, and cut through all this red tape.

At a bar called O'Malley's, where we'll plan our escape."

So I waited with high hopes, then she walked in the place.

I knew her smile in an instant, I knew the curve of her face.

It was my own lovely lady, and she said, "Oh, it's you."

And we laughed for a moment, and I said, "I never knew"..

"That you liked Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.

And the feel of the ocean, and the taste of champagne.

If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape.

You're the love that I've looked for, come with me, and escape."

"If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.

If you're not into yoga, if you have half-a-brain.

If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape.

You're the love that I've looked for, come with me, and escape."

The entire idea that they would be happy with each other at the end, after answering personals ads designed to cheat on the other, has always irritated me. The entire song strikes me as such a false, selfish way of thinking that I do in fact want to scream when it comes on.

[Larry Kart]

OK, in the pseudo-cabaret category, here's Alan and Marilyn Bergman's "When Summer Turns to Snow." I suspect that the incoherent parade of metaphors in the first chorus owed something to another kind of white powder.

When the summer turns to snow

And you’re alone once more

The memories pass your eyes

Like treetops from a plane

You watch them slip away

And helpless you try

To catch one in your hand

A silver year of love

To prove that you were there

… Were there at all

Once, you memorized the night

The shape of every cloud

The patterns of the stars

The color of the moon

You memorized it all

But now it’s gone

As if it never was

No souvenirs to show

When summer turns to snow

[Big Al]

All y'all Wang Chung haters can kiss my grits. They more than make up for Everybody Wang Chung with To Live and Die in LA, which is a great tune.

Holy shit, I was about to post the exact same thing when I read this. That's pretty scary!

Neil Diamond is too easy a target. I mean, his lyrics are so bad they're hilarious. It's like saying "MacArthur Park" is a horrible song. Well, yeah, of course it is! Which makes it that much more hilarious! "The Pina Colada Song?" Hell, even Rupert Holmes admits they're cheesy lyrics. (Saw an interview with him on VH1 the other night; he seems like he doesn't take himself nearly as seriously as a bunch of the "songwriters" already listed here).

Edited September 8, 2008 by Big Al