Jazz musicians' wit and humor. Examples?

[Free For All]

Woody Herman always hated it when people requested music attributed to other bands. My favorite response of his was, when asked to play a Glenn Miller tune, he replied: "When they find the plane, I'll play his music!"

[randissimo]

Woody Herman always hated it when people requested music attributed to other bands. My favorite response of his was, when asked to play a Glenn Miller tune, he replied: "When they find the plane, I'll play his music!"

Speaking of Woody Herman, my dad has a lot of funny stories. One particularly funny story happened during a Norman Granz tour with Woody's band and the Oscar Peterson Trio. The Herman bus had just gotten on the highway on their way to the next town and concert venue. The guys on the left side of the bus noticed a black Cadillac limo, the car the trio traveled in approaching the bus in the passing lane. And to the astonishment of the Herman band there was a BIG BLACK ASS hanging out of the window on the passenger side... And it was O P MOONING THE WOODY HERMAN BAND!

[Dan Gould]

[Free For All]

I think OP's ass was incredibly overrated.

[The Magnificent Goldberg]

O P MOONING THE WOODY HERMAN BAND!

Come back OP, all is forgiven!

MG

[Christiern]

The late James Maher, jazz historian/writer, who died last year at the age of 90, hated it when people asked, "So what are you working on now?"

He eventually came up with a perfect answer:

"I'm translating Ralph Ellison's work into Ebonics."

[JPF]

Two I always enjoyed from the renowned wit, Zoot Sims:

Zoot was known for his ability to drink prodigious amounts and still play fabulously. A friend asked him, "Zoot, how can you play so well when you're loaded?" Zoot said, "I practice when I'm loaded."

Someone once asked Zoot his opinion of Stan Getz, known for his tendency to fly into a rage in an instant for no particular reason. Zoot said, "Getz? Nice bunch of guys."

[randissimo]

Two I always enjoyed from the renowned wit, Zoot Sims:

Zoot was known for his ability to drink prodigious amounts and still play fabulously. A friend asked him, "Zoot, how can you play so well when you're loaded?" Zoot said, "I practice when I'm loaded."

Someone once asked Zoot his opinion of Stan Getz, known for his tendency to fly into a rage in an instant for no particular reason. Zoot said, "Getz? Nice bunch of guys."

My pops was on a tour in 1966 with the Harry James band and stayed in a hotel in NYC that had a lounge featuring Roy Eldridge. So pops decided to saunter in, have a taste, and relax. Roy was just getting ready to hit with his quartet when he noticed my dad at the bar with his tenor case, ordering a taste from the bartender. Roy yelled over to pops to come on up and play.. So pops got his taste, walked over to the bandstand and got his horn out. While standing there putting his mouthpiece and reed together he noticed a familiar face coming through the door into the lounge and it was none other than Coleman Hawkins! Hawk sat right up in front and growled "Hey man you gonna play?" .. Pops looked up and nodded and asked Roy what he wanted to play.. Roy or "Little Jazz" looks over at Arno with a grin and says "Let's play "Body & Soul"..

[Jazzmoose]

Ouch!!!

[Chuck Nessa]

Last Friday night I was talking to Von Freeman between sets at the Green Mill. Near the end of the conversation he said "I'll tell George you said 'hello'". I asked how George was doing and Von responded "He's 80 years old!". I asked Von how old he was now and he said "85" and chuckled. I love that man.

[Alexander Hawkins]

Two I always enjoyed from the renowned wit, Zoot Sims:

Zoot was known for his ability to drink prodigious amounts and still play fabulously. A friend asked him, "Zoot, how can you play so well when you're loaded?" Zoot said, "I practice when I'm loaded."

Someone once asked Zoot his opinion of Stan Getz, known for his tendency to fly into a rage in an instant for no particular reason. Zoot said, "Getz? Nice bunch of guys."

My pops was on a tour in 1966 with the Harry James band and stayed in a hotel in NYC that had a lounge featuring Roy Eldridge. So pops decided to saunter in, have a taste, and relax. Roy was just getting ready to hit with his quartet when he noticed my dad at the bar with his tenor case, ordering a taste from the bartender. Roy yelled over to pops to come on up and play.. So pops got his taste, walked over to the bandstand and got his horn out. While standing there putting his mouthpiece and reed together he noticed a familiar face coming through the door into the lounge and it was none other than Coleman Hawkins! Hawk sat right up in front and growled "Hey man you gonna play?" .. Pops looked up and nodded and asked Roy what he wanted to play.. Roy or "Little Jazz" looks over at Arno with a grin and says "Let's play "Body & Soul"..

:rofl:

[rachel]

...and Benny is saying under his breath, "Ok Ted, Lock it up Ted, we'll continue this matter on the break" and Eddie russ looks like Bill Evans with his head bent down almost touching the keyboard..

I love this story! (and I'll probably bug you to tell it again each time I see you, Randy)

Everyone should have the opportunity to hear you tell this part of the story in *that* voice.

[GregN]

This story came from pianist Eddie Russ;

There was an old drummer-singer named Benny Carew, a smug old timer always telling young drummers not to forget the one and had expressions like' "Hey, hey, hey, what'd I say" and when a musician would enter the room he'd say " There's Randy Marsh, a great musician in his own rite', and of course his signature saying, "Some of the greatest people in the world walk through that door and you're one of them".. Benny was a control freak, constantly badgering his bassist Teddy Weatherford, a real character, a good bass player, and a man who loved his booze and reefer, and Teddy wore a rug that often was not positioned quite right on his head, often creating the image of an old black man with a Davey Crockett cap on...

They were working the winter season at a ski resort in northern Michigan and Benny mind you, is making periodic trips throughout the day to Teddy's room to make sure he remains sober enough to make the gig (which only annoys Ted and causes him to drink and smoke even more just to spite Benny), and when on the bandstand Benny is telling Ted to "lock it up and play the roots and listen to Eddie's changes" and this routine has been going on for over a week now and Friday night Teddy finally has had enough and snaps onstage where he is just to the right of Benny's drums and loudly barks, "I'M PLAYIN' THE GOD DAMNED CHANGES! .. Bb, C, F, Eb, Ab,"etc. Now there's lots of BIG MONEY types from Chicago & Grosse Point, and this older woman with a fortune in jewelry around her neck is on the dance floor with her husband and becomes indignant with Teddy's display and walks over to the bandstand and says, "Please,, do you really have to be so loud and vulgar??" .. Teddy looks at her and says, "SHUT UP BITCH, THIS DON'T CONCERN YOU" and goes on barking the changes he's playing at Benny, and Benny is saying under his breath, "Ok Ted, Lock it up Ted, we'll continue this matter on the break" and Eddie russ looks like Bill Evans with his head bent down almost touching the keyboard..

THAT'S WERE JIMMY GOT THAT EXPRESSION!

[James]

I was in the front row at a jam/benefit once where tenor player Joe Marillo casually commented on the number of Italian Americans on the bandstand. "There's Pete Deluke, so-and-so, so-and-so, so-and-so, and Mags (Bob Magnusson) ---- his Mom's Italian." To which Bob responded in a somewhat dry tone......"Yeah -- and my Dad's Icelandic..........which makes me

a Wopsicle." I sprayed the front of the stage with the belt of drink I had in my mouth, and still grin today at the memory.

[Randy Twizzle]

Here's an oldie that always brings a gentle chuckle to my lips. It seems that someone once asked Louis Armstrong to define jazz. Well Pops put down his trumpet, thought for a moment and said "Hey asshole do I look like a fucking dictionary?"

[randissimo]

Here's an oldie that always brings a gentle chuckle to my lips. It seems that someone once asked Louis Armstrong to define jazz. Well Pops put down his trumpet, thought for a moment and said "Hey asshole do I look like a fucking dictionary?"

I really don't believe Pops would have put it in those exact words..

[Christiern]

Most decidedly not!

[analogak]

my sort of friend played in his college jazz ensemble and they went to newport for the festival one year and the pianist of the college band saw les mccann and went up to him to say he too was a jazz pianist and really liked mccann's work. mccann said "white boy playin' jazz? I DON'T THINK SO." and everyone i guess was a little surprised. then mccann asked him, "boy, you ever get a hardon?"

[Brute]

I'll be back with a story or two later.... Bill Crow's books,"Jazz Anecdotes" is treasure of hilarious jazz stories. If you haven't read his books get them!

YES! Great book.

[Randy Twizzle]

Here's an oldie that always brings a gentle chuckle to my lips. It seems that someone once asked Louis Armstrong to define jazz. Well Pops put down his trumpet, thought for a moment and said "Hey asshole do I look like a fucking dictionary?"

I really don't believe Pops would have put it in those exact words..

I guess I was misinformed. What Armstrong really said was "If you gotta ask then ask Barney Bigard or Teagarden, I'm busy right now."

Sorry for the screwup.

[Dan Gould]

Here's an oldie that always brings a gentle chuckle to my lips. It seems that someone once asked Louis Armstrong to define jazz. Well Pops put down his trumpet, thought for a moment and said "Hey asshole do I look like a fucking dictionary?"

I really don't believe Pops would have put it in those exact words..

Most decidedly not!

Maybe it was Miles.

[randissimo]

Here's an oldie that always brings a gentle chuckle to my lips. It seems that someone once asked Louis Armstrong to define jazz. Well Pops put down his trumpet, thought for a moment and said "Hey asshole do I look like a fucking dictionary?"

I really don't believe Pops would have put it in those exact words..

Most decidedly not!

Maybe it was Miles.

i don't think Miles would have called him an 'asshole' .. wasn't his style.. the rest of the sentence sounds about right.

[Fer Urbina]

Bill Crow still posts anecdotes (not all of them jazz, but mostly hilarious) in his Band Room column in the AFM 802 paper. See this for an index.

This one is particularly funny, IMHO.

F

[Larry Kart]

Quotes collected by the late (d. 2005) British trumpeter Ron Simmonds:

"Why are you leaving? You can run out of bands, you know."

Ted Heath (to me)

"I don't know, I haven't tried today."

Maynard Ferguson, when asked how high he could play

"Dinner is served."

Phil Seamen, drummer, after hitting the gong in West Side Story

"No! No! No! You have to feel it. Feel it!"

Joachim Heider, Pop arranger, Berlin

"When I play this music I feel nothing."

Åke Persson, trombone player

"How does this number go?"

Jack Parnell, bandleader.

"For you -- one, two, three, four."

Tom McQuater, trumpet player

(McQuater died a few days ago at age 93)

For more, go here:

http://www.jazzprofessional.com/humour/famous_quotes_1.htm

[Christiern]

During a recording session at Columbia, Laura Nyro told the brass players that she wanted a "green" sound.

"Would that be dark or light green, Miss Nyro?", a trombonist asked, with a straight face.