what was the finest period in your life

[Tim McG]

24 years with my wife here.

Wouldn't trade them for a pound of pure gold.

My finest period in life came when I was deep into the intellectual cocoon of college life....I have never felt more alive than when I was enrolled full time at the university.

[ghost of miles]

These things have always been a bit cyclical for me--I seem to go through stretches where every year is a bit better than the year before, or stretches where every year is a bit worse than the year before. Ages 19-21 were, in retrospect, very good years; I was involved in a very passionate, on-again, off-again relationship, which brought its share of pain, but more than made up for it in pleasure and liveliness; and I felt myself improving as a fiction writer month by month. Hit a downward spiral in my early and mid-20s, but 1994-2003 was one long good stretch. Said stretch was ultimately derailed by a bad bike accident and the deaths of several people I was close to, in one way or another... still, in the past couple of years my wife & I have managed to find our dream home, and I've gotten a fulltime dream job. So I'm very grateful for those things, and I feel as if I need to put--WANT to put--more into the world. More out of gratitude than out of debt, as well as a sense that I've reached 40 without doing some of the things I really want to do (or was put here to do, if you want to travel that philosophical road). I hope I live a long time, but lately I think I've finally begun to let go of that underlying fear of death... just accepting that each day is a gift, "every breath we draw is a grace," as T. Merton says. Too easy to turn into a card sentiment, I suppose, but I really want to live with that as a sort of unconscious feeling in my bones. And let go of that fear... worrying about it will probably only hasten it, anyway. (And on some crazy level I still think it might be possible to live forever...staying away from the Politics forum surely lengthens the lifespan! )

[Joe G]

that underlying fear of death...

Interesting... I think that my underlying fear is not so much of death, which is "no problem", but rather of a future time of struggle and lack. And not just for me personally, but society-wide. I deal with that one a lot (I think it's been with me since adolescence), and haven't been able to fully transcend it yet.

[Joe G]

But I'd have to say that as a whole, my 40s were my "dark years". Combinations of disappointed idealism, unrealistic expectations, financial/emotional stresses of raising kids, frequently out-of-sync emotional/sexual bonds with my soulmate, just about everything I needed to be "happy" I was seeing far too often through the lens of "you should be doing this for me and you ain't, so why do you hate me so fucking much?" I was a dark SOB, and I was drinking/etc. in a very "professional" manner, which is to say that I had developed the skills to be totally blitzed yet totally functional in a totally unnoticeable manner. Needless to say, that only fed the cynicism...

Amazing - I never picked up on that from your posts the first couple of years here. But then, those years held some of my darkest moments, too. Some of my journal entries from a couple of years ago are astounding for me to read now! Bearing the unbearable is often part of life, it seems. As long as you survive to see the sun again...

[tonym]

I suppose if I were to divide my life into definite periods, then the notable 'happy' ones would always be tempered by pretty lousy spells; like for example the birth of my son (2001) to present day. He's definitely been the best things to happen to me so far but I've had to put up with a lot of crap over the last 3 years. Likewise, the absolutely shitty periods were always punctuated by life-affirming events.

The only exception being my first seven or eight years which weren't that great. Period.

When I was a younger man I was totally immersed in cycling which allowed me to experience some awesome things but I never really took it all in.

I'm hoping my rudderless life will take a productive turn but I suppose just 'hoping' isn't enough...

As many have sung "The best is yet to come and babe, won't it be fine?"

[jazzbo]

My three years at boarding school at Waterford-Kamhlaba School, MBabane, Swaziland

http://www.waterford.sz/

Same here!! ...albeit a bit closer to the Cradle of Liberty @ America's oldest boarding school. WooHoo!

http://www.thegovernorsacademy.org/home/home.asp

Glad I went to Waterford instead.

[porcy62]

...and this thread is damn sad, I feel true sympathetic with Aloc.

aloc is living well, and doesnt ever have to work again, and is now listening to pharoah sanders and leon thomas and earlier, trane and george rochman, just finished a great meal, and is going for a long bike ride, and after that, a snort or two, followed by a couple flicks.

no tears for aloc.

I am happy for you.

Maybe this thread hits me in one of the worst period of my life, so I often think about the better ones. I am a pessimistic, a tendentially depressed guy and all the news about war, violence and enviromental problems don't help me to look at future with confidence. Though I don't have problems with money or job, I reached a point in my life in wich I feel I need a radical change. I am writing a novel and when I am doing it, all my sadness disappears, unfortunately there are still a lot of things to do, daily incumbences that prevent me to spent all my time writing. Lately I suffered from some big blows: bad diseases and death of close friends, ecc. So... I would say I am in changing period, with the good and the bad, mostly bad until now. The last bad thing was the fact that an important publishers, after a tons of compliments for my book, and a promise of contract with 5000 $ as down-payment and 6% of royalties, came back on it. So I have to look for another publishers. All the friend told me that the fact he loved the book at first is a good sign and actually it is, but going back to the book is hard.

[JSngry]

But I'd have to say that as a whole, my 40s were my "dark years". Combinations of disappointed idealism, unrealistic expectations, financial/emotional stresses of raising kids, frequently out-of-sync emotional/sexual bonds with my soulmate, just about everything I needed to be "happy" I was seeing far too often through the lens of "you should be doing this for me and you ain't, so why do you hate me so fucking much?" I was a dark SOB, and I was drinking/etc. in a very "professional" manner, which is to say that I had developed the skills to be totally blitzed yet totally functional in a totally unnoticeable manner. Needless to say, that only fed the cynicism...

Amazing - I never picked up on that from your posts the first couple of years here...

Wellsir, I really didn't see the need to "project" it, since I really am an optimistic spirit overall. The darkness was mostly self-created and self-directed, and like I said, was pretty much the result of disappointment in everything & everybody, especially fincluding myself. But I was only disappointed becasue I believed that a higher potential was there to be had. Thus the outward good cheer. And frankly, I didn't realize how dark I had become until I stopped being that way.

Basically what it all came down to was that I fell into the trap that a lot of "artists" fall into, and that's getting so preoccupied with being "serious" that the simple happiness seemed somehow cheap. It wasn't enough to be happy, there had to be work behind getting to it in order for it to mean something. Years of justified suspicion about conditioned behavior masquearding as true feeling is not at all a bad thing, except when it turns into another conditioned behavior its ownself.... That and not copping to the fact that being a husband, a man, is even more serious an undertaking than being an "artist". I've been faithful the entire time, and have never been abusive, but I'd be lying if I said that there were more than a few times when my insistence on not getting too "corrupted" by the "straight world" in terms of providing income put a pressure on Brenda that was not only unnecessary, but also unfair and unhealthy. She very rarely even mentioned it , and never to the degree that I felt it was bothering her (And when she did, I gave her the inexcusable, "well, this is who I am, this is what I do" line and stood pat, something for which I will feel regret and shame until my dying day), so I just chalked it all up to the "hardness of the artist's life", and she went along, mostly stoically. I would tell her how much I loved her for doing it, but ya' know, that's kinda like watching somebody kill themself when they don't have to and you just sit there and tell them how much you love them for doing it. That's some fucked up shit right there, and I did it for too damn long. Idealism is great, but unhindered love beats the living hell out of it any damn day...

So yeah, the joy's always been there, and it's always been real. It's just a lot more unimpeded now, and hey - I'll take it.

[Noj]

I lead such a blissful existence, that to long for the times which were noticeably better makes me feel like an ungrateful turd. I have no right to feel anything other than great.

[porcy62]

I lead such a blissful existence, that to long for the times which were noticeably better makes me feel like an ungrateful turd. I have no right to feel anything other than great.

I never led a blissful existence...well, at least not without a drug prescription of my doc or my pusher....

[Van Basten II]

Should see this movie

[Hot Ptah]

But I'd have to say that as a whole, my 40s were my "dark years". Combinations of disappointed idealism, unrealistic expectations, financial/emotional stresses of raising kids, frequently out-of-sync emotional/sexual bonds with my soulmate, just about everything I needed to be "happy" I was seeing far too often through the lens of "you should be doing this for me and you ain't, so why do you hate me so fucking much?" I was a dark SOB, and I was drinking/etc. in a very "professional" manner, which is to say that I had developed the skills to be totally blitzed yet totally functional in a totally unnoticeable manner. Needless to say, that only fed the cynicism...

Amazing - I never picked up on that from your posts the first couple of years here...

Wellsir, I really didn't see the need to "project" it, since I really am an optimistic spirit overall. The darkness was mostly self-created and self-directed, and like I said, was pretty much the result of disappointment in everything & everybody, especially fincluding myself. But I was only disappointed becasue I believed that a higher potential was there to be had. Thus the outward good cheer. And frankly, I didn't realize how dark I had become until I stopped being that way.

Basically what it all came down to was that I fell into the trap that a lot of "artists" fall into, and that's getting so preoccupied with being "serious" that the simple happiness seemed somehow cheap. It wasn't enough to be happy, there had to be work behind getting to it in order for it to mean something. Years of justified suspicion about conditioned behavior masquearding as true feeling is not at all a bad thing, except when it turns into another conditioned behavior its ownself.... That and not copping to the fact that being a husband, a man, is even more serious an undertaking than being an "artist". I've been faithful the entire time, and have never been abusive, but I'd be lying if I said that there were more than a few times when my insistence on not getting too "corrupted" by the "straight world" in terms of providing income put a pressure on Brenda that was not only unnecessary, but also unfair and unhealthy. She very rarely even mentioned it , and never to the degree that I felt it was bothering her (And when she did, I gave her the inexcusable, "well, this is who I am, this is what I do" line and stood pat, something for which I will feel regret and shame until my dying day), so I just chalked it all up to the "hardness of the artist's life", and she went along, mostly stoically. I would tell her how much I loved her for doing it, but ya' know, that's kinda like watching somebody kill themself when they don't have to and you just sit there and tell them how much you love them for doing it. That's some fucked up shit right there, and I did it for too damn long. Idealism is great, but unhindered love beats the living hell out of it any damn day...

So yeah, the joy's always been there, and it's always been real. It's just a lot more unimpeded now, and hey - I'll take it.

Your wife would appear to qualify for sainthood.

[The Magnificent Goldberg]

Your wife would appear to qualify for sainthood.

But St Brenda would be impossible. She'd have to change her name to Tracey.

MG

[Guest donald petersen]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XP7l592SrXI

[Guest donald petersen]

and a few weeks earlier...

g_d what a run.

Edited July 6, 2007 by donald petersen

[Niko]

and I felt myself improving as a fiction writer month by month. Hit a downward spiral in my early and mid-20s

sounds vaguely familiar (fiction writing aside), i think until last year i simply got continuously better/smarter by getting older but this year (25 to 26) it seems that process has stopped... i had already suspected that - bitter as it is - this is how things are (especially as i am pretty certain that these months here - first year of working towards my phd - would be only half as depressing if i were only, say, 20 percent smarter ) trying to get used to the thought that high school teacher is a great job but it doesn't really work yet - but maybe that step - which feels ridiculously drastic at the moment - won't be necessary

(to add the finest periods were the first half of 2006 when i was working very productively, was living temporarily in a nice city where nobody knew me and where i rediscovered jazz (and there was that great ojc sale at 2001 so that i could afford one or two new cds every lunch break) the other really fine period, was my civilian service in 2000/2001 at a place for old people where i did a useful job at which i was really good (mainly as it was not too demanding) (organizing a choir and bingo, reading from the newspaper and talking to people) and played a lot of music; the rest was somewhere in between, my mother said already in kindergarden i was not worse at singing and painting than the other kids i was just somewhat indifferent when the others were excited; after all i think i can consider my life a very happy one (given that things will get better soon )

[Hot Ptah]

and I felt myself improving as a fiction writer month by month. Hit a downward spiral in my early and mid-20s

sounds vaguely familiar (fiction writing aside), i think until last year i simply got continuously better/smarter by getting older but this year (25 to 26) it seems that process has stopped... i had already suspected that - bitter as it is - this is how things are (especially as i am pretty certain that these months here - first year of working towards my phd - would be only half as depressing if i were only, say, 20 percent smarter ) trying to get used to the thought that high school teacher is a great job but it doesn't really work yet - but maybe that step - which feels ridiculously drastic at the moment - won't be necessary

(to add the finest periods were the first half of 2006 when i was working very productively, was living temporarily in a nice city where nobody knew me and where i rediscovered jazz (and there was that great ojc sale at 2001 so that i could afford one or two new cds every lunch break) the other really fine period, was my civilian service in 2000/2001 at a place for old people where i did a useful job at which i was really good (mainly as it was not too demanding) (organizing a choir and bingo, reading from the newspaper and talking to people) and played a lot of music; the rest was somewhere in between, my mother said already in kindergarden i was not worse at singing and painting than the other kids i was just somewhat indifferent when the others were excited; after all i think i can consider my life a very happy one (given that things will get better soon )

Hmmm, what I noticed when I hit 25 and 26 (which was many years ago) was that I could not drink and party the same way and still get up and work the next day. My iron stamina for overcoming hangovers was gone. I had not noticed any increase in intelligence up to that point, so I saw no plateau or decline at 26.

[JSngry]

Your wife would appear to qualify for sainthood.

Indeed she does, and more than y'all know or need to know.

And so do the wives/significant others/life partners/etc of any number of people who attempt to function in the "creative marketplace".

[Niko]

Hmmm, what I noticed when I hit 25 and 26 (which was many years ago) was that I could not drink and party the same way and still get up and work the next day. My iron stamina for overcoming hangovers was gone. I had not noticed any increase in intelligence up to that point, so I saw no plateau or decline at 26.

intelligence is not the word i'd use, it's more about developing an eye for structures of texts/problems, as a matter of fact i am teaching students who are only three years younger than myself and there were several this semester who were clearly slower on things which seemed easy to me although they were obviously more talented (and will be much better mathematician than me in two or three years); i don't think that you can reduce that progress to having more knowledge, maybe developing an eye captures it pretty well; actually those beginnings of declining health were one thing i forgot in my last post

[medjuck]

Funny you're choosing 26 as a milestone. I always joke that I didn't mind turning, 30, 40, 50 or 60 because I was over the hill at 26. I mean after that no-one every says "Isn't it amazing he's doing whatever and he's so young!". At at 23 I was teaching at a university , editing a magazine and doing commentary on radio and television. I think I had my mid-life crisis at 26. I read a Rolling Stone interview with Janis Joplin and she said that she was 26 and realised that this was real life. I thought, holy shit she's right! In every other way I've been chronologically retarded: Got into the film business at 37, married at 38, first child at 43 and probably not retiring until I'm 70 or dead (whichever comes first.)

I do think back at my years in graduate school with great fondness. "There was music in the cafes at night/

And revolution in the air."

Anyway, I like to think the best is yet to come.

[Niko]

Funny you're choosing 26 as a milestone. I always joke that I didn't mind turning, 30, 40, 50 or 60 because I was over the hill at 26. I mean after that no-one every says "Isn't it amazing he's doing whatever and he's so young!".

i was late starting to talk and never really caught up - nothing wrong with that i guess (reportely i never said two consecutive words until one morning when i said "the hat i will take in any case i think"); probably when i finish school and then start working in an insurance company at 29 i will look back at these years here with fondness - but at the moment that prospect rather scares me, still believe that there is a better way out

[B. Goren.]

The 3 years I spent in Camera Obscura School of Art in Tel-Aviv, learning photography and art history.

[BruceH]

Right now.