Long Overdue Trombone Control Laws

[Noj]

LONG OVERDUE TROMBONE CONTROL LAWS

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LONG OVERDUE TROMBONE CONTROL LAWS

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Each year thousands are people are killed, maimed,

bewildered or annoyed by trombones. The statistics of head, neck and even

shoulder injuries sustained by reed players, french horn and string sections

seated within reach of the deadly seventh position are truly shocking ...

not to mention forced early retirement due to ever increasing hearing

problems reported by classical musicians who are forced to play the music of

Wagner, Mahler and Brahms, as well as the hundreds of alumni of the Herman,

Ferguson and Kenton bands and OKOM devotees of Kid Ory, Jack Teagarden, Abe

Lincoln, Lou McGarity, John Allred and Lee Gifford.

There is current legislation pending in Congress to restrict the sale of

trombones and to equip them with child-safety devices. The influential

trombone lobby is, of course, opposed to this. There have even been

several proposals for requiring a so-called "trigger lock" on all bass

trombones! Every year there are reports of hundreds of innocent children,

attracted by the shiny brass and smooth, seductive curves of an unattended

instrument on a stand in the corner of a room or in an unlocked case who are

traumatized for life by the attempts of a playmate to get a sound out of it,

or who may suffer a collapsed lung or the effects of hyperventilation by

trying the same effort themselves! The owner's feeble "I didn't know the

slide was unlocked" is no excuse!

Trombones should be stored out of reach of children. Efforts to enact a

mandatory 10-day waiting period to purchase a trombone - which would simply

allow a reasonable period of time for law enforcement officials to

cross-check the purchaser's name against an International list of registered

trombone offenders and Slide-O-Mix addicts, have been repeatedly thwarted by

the powerful Selmer-Conn-Yamaha (SCY) lobby. Law enforcement officials are

particularly alarmed over the increase in crimes involving use of the

"sawed-off" trombone or "sackbut." Legislation is also pending in several

progressive states, including New York and California, to make carrying a

concealed alto trombone a Class A felony!

Some Governors feel that there are sufficient laws already on the books that

simply need stricter enforcement - such as the 1932 nation-wide ban of

screw-on bells, the indiscriminate use of Pond's Cold Cream or KY Jelly and

unsupervised emptying of spit valves on public property - a filthy and

unsanitary habit which will help spread the flu again this year. One popular

response to the spread of delinquent behavior is the imposition of mandatory

longer sentences for those using a trombone while committing a crime ("Use a

trombone - Go to jail!"; "False Positions Mean Solitary Confinement!"; "Add

a Plunger - Double Your Time!" and "Growl and Forget About parole!").

Surveillance video tapes have proven especially effective in identifying

violators of this statute because career criminals have often tried to avoid

convictions by having their lawyers insist that what eye-witnesses reported

as a trombone was really only an AK-47 or other legal assault weapon. Strict

enforcement has been especially effective when used in conjunction with the

new "Three sharps, you're out" statutes that have

already been approved by many state legislatures.

Of course the automatic and semi-automatic valved models - both piston and

the middle-European rotary, are much more dangerous than the traditional

single valve trombone. Interpol has also reported the sudden appearance of

rear-blasting Cavalry models that were thought to have been completely

eliminated during the Great Confiscation mandated by the 1918 Treaty of

Versailles signed by representatives of every civilized country of the

period. You may recall that those instruments were melted down and became an

integral part of the Trans-Atlantic Telephone Cable that helped to unite

America and Europe.

It is believed that the new source of these WMD's are isolated factories in

rural areas of China . The awesome destructive power of the double trigger

bass trombone could never have been imagined by the

founding fathers when they granted us the right to keep and bear arms.

Remember: When trombones are outlawed, only outlaws will play "I'm Gettin'

Sentimental Over You."

Author: Albert Manglesdorf

[Stereojack]

[alocispepraluger102]

good god. they are going to outlaw bruckner and confiscate all the scores.

[Dan Gould]

[Free For All]

You know, the state of Iowa just passed legislation that makes the trombone the official state instrument.

Of course, there are no jobs for trombone players in Iowa........

[alocispepraluger102]

You know, the state of Iowa just passed legislation that makes the trombone the official state instrument.

Of course, there are no jobs for trombone players in Iowa........

you cant, in iowa, then, shoot your 'bone even when it makes those occasional ghastly sounds in the quiet passages of a symphony.

Edited May 4, 2007 by alocispepraluger102

[Free For All]

you cant, in iowa, then, shoot your 'bone even when it makes those occasional ghastly sounds in the quiet passages of a symphony.

I believe that is the bassoon you're referring to (aka the "farting bedpost"). Most orchestral trombone parts consist of several hundred bars of rests.

[alocispepraluger102]

you cant, in iowa, then, shoot your 'bone even when it makes those occasional ghastly sounds in the quiet passages of a symphony.

I believe that is the bassoon you're referring to (aka the "farting bedpost"). Most orchestral trombone parts consist of several hundred bars of rests.

this was coming from the trombone area. you are spoiling my surmisal. this was very early in mahler's third, and there was that very morning an article in the cleveland paper about the orchestra's new lead trombonist debut.

Edited May 5, 2007 by alocispepraluger102

[Free For All]

this was very early in mahler's third, and there was that very morning an article in the cleveland paper about the orchestra's new lead trombonist debut. 'bones make skunky sounds, too.

Sounds like the CSO made a good hire!

I'll bet he/she tears it up on rhythm changes, though!

EDIT: Why did you remove that last comment? I agree, trombones have been known to make "skunky" sounds (and smells, too!)! Sometimes even on purpose!

Edited May 5, 2007 by Free For All

[alocispepraluger102]

am quite sure that comment wouldnt apply to the freeman.......

[connoisseur series500]

you cant, in iowa, then, shoot your 'bone even when it makes those occasional ghastly sounds in the quiet passages of a symphony.

I believe that is the bassoon you're referring to (aka the "farting bedpost"). Most orchestral trombone parts consist of several hundred bars of rests.

[7/4]

[Free For All]

I just picked that one up. Excellent playing and arrangements.

[mikeweil]

... and the microphones were placed at a safe distance ...

[Tim McG]

Now that's funny, Brother Noj.

[Noj]

Gotta give credit to Mike Schwartz who first posted it at JC, Brother Goodz.