Top Ten Facts of Life..

[randissimo]

Top Ten Facts of Life for Playing in Clubs and Restaurants

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Unless you are in a concert situation, most of the people are not there to hear you. Your music is incidental. People go to restaurants and bars to eat, to drink, to socialize, do business, or maybe to be alone in a crowd. So if you reach some of them and entertain them, you've done a hell of a job. In most restaurants, your main objective is to try to entertain without bothering anybody. Any volume is too loud for someone. The talent of anyone who wants to sit in is inversely proportional to how insistent he or his friends are about his sitting in. The most talented musician that you would really like to play with will be sitting there quietly and will have left his axe in the car. The crowd would rather hear a terrible rendition of "Sweet Caroline" than the tastiest arrangement of one of your originals that they've never heard before. The customer who asked for "Sweet Caroline", his favorite song, won't realize you're playing it until you actually reach the word "Sweet". Someone in the crowd will have halfway heard you play "Sweet Caroline" and it will remind him of the song so he'll request it right after you've just played it. Unless you want to marry her and be the one who takes her home every night, don't hitch your star to a girl singer. Every black horn player who wants to sit in "used to play with James Brown or Brother Ray.".....And the number one fact of life in playing in clubs and restaurants: Your slowest night, with the most obnoxious crowd and the worst response, is immeasurably better than the best day you ever had at a day job!!!

NEW RULES FOR BANDS IN THE 21st CENTURY: submitted by R.S.Ft.Lauderdale

Never start a trio with a married couple. Your manager's not helping you. Fire him/her. Before you sign a record deal, look up the word "recoupable" in the dictionary. No one cares who you've opened for. A string section does not make your songs sound any more "important". If your band has gone through more than 4 bass players, it's time to break up. When you talk on stage you are never funny. If you sound like another band, don't act like you're unfamiliar with their music ("Oh does Rage Against The Machine also do rap-rock with political lyrics?") Asking a crowd 'how they're doing' is just amplified small talk. Don't do it. Don't say your video's being played if it's only on the Austin Music Network. When you sign to a major label, claim to have inked the best contract ever. Mention "artistic freedom" and "a guaranteed 3 record deal". When you get dropped insist that it was the worst contract ever and you asked to be let go. Never name a song after your band. Never name your band after a song. When a drummer brings in his own songs and asks to perform one of them, begin looking for a new drummer IMMEDIATELY. Never enter a "battle of the bands" contest. If you do you're already a loser. Learn to recognize scary word pairings: "rock opera", "white rapper", "blues jam", "swing band", "open mike", etc. Drummers can take off their shirts or they can wear gloves, but not both. Listen, either break it to your parents or we will; it's rock 'n' roll, not a soccer game. They've gotta stop coming to your shows. It's not a "showcase". It's a gig that doesn't pay. No one cares that you have a web site. Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet. Don't hire a publicist. Playing in San Marcos & Alpine doesn't mean you're on tour. Don't join a cover band that plays Bush songs. In fact, don't join a cover band. Although they come in different styles and colors, electric guitars all sound the same. Why do you keep changing them between songs? Don't stop your set to ask that beers be brought up. That's what girlfriends/boyfriends are for. If you use a smoke machine your music sucks. We can tell the difference between a professionally produced album cover and one you made with the iMac your mom got for Christmas. Remember, if blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16 year olds play them? If you ever take a publicity photo, destroy it. You may never know where or when it will turn up. Cut your hair, but do not shave your head. Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow. Do not wear shorts onstage. Or a suit. Or a hat. Rock oxymorons; "major label interest", "demo deal"," blues genius", "$500 guarantee", and "Fastball's second hit".

3 things that are never coming back: a) gongs, B) headbands, and c) playing slide guitar with a beer bottle.

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Edited August 14, 2003 by randissimo