Dmitry Posted August 1, 2006 Report Share Posted August 1, 2006 You mean to tell us that you had an FBI file pulled on every man you ever slept with? Or one or two married ones managed to slip through the cracks [no pun intended]? There is a monumental difference between unknowlingly and knowlingly sleeping with another man's wife. I'm with Patricia here. Your actions were reprehensible. Perhaps not as reprehensible as the women's, of course. Really now. What leads you to believe that I didn't find out post-factum, not a priori? Ever see Belle Du Jour? Well, the way you mentioned the incidents suggested you knew a priori. Maybe you should reserve your judgements for something you really know about. I am sure such topic exists. As it stands, you owe me an apology. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jim Alfredson Posted August 1, 2006 Report Share Posted August 1, 2006 Hey hey, let's slow down folks. This isn't the "moralize about other peoples judgements" thread. Let's stick to the discussion at hand, eh? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
connoisseur series500 Posted August 1, 2006 Report Share Posted August 1, 2006 (edited) You mean to tell us that you had an FBI file pulled on every man you ever slept with? Or one or two married ones managed to slip through the cracks [no pun intended]? There is a monumental difference between unknowlingly and knowlingly sleeping with another man's wife. I'm with Patricia here. Your actions were reprehensible. Perhaps not as reprehensible as the women's, of course. Really now. What leads you to believe that I didn't find out post-factum, not a priori? Ever see Belle Du Jour? Well, the way you mentioned the incidents suggested you knew a priori. Maybe you should reserve your judgements for something you really know about. I am sure such topic exists. As it stands, you owe me an apology. For what? Bragging about sexual conquests of married women? Hey Dude, what you do is between yourself and the parties involved. Just don't expect to come on the board bragging about this crap without expecting to be challenged about it. "Boom-Boom" Conn BTW, read my responses. Where was I being rude to you? I merely said that I woudn't be so proud of such behavior, and I stand by that. You on the other hand, responded quite rudely. Edited August 1, 2006 by connoisseur series500 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Free For All Posted August 1, 2006 Author Report Share Posted August 1, 2006 Friends, This thread is about a very sensitive and emotional topic, and I know that it cuts deep with many people. I hope we can keep it civil and not get judgemental- I wouldn't presume to make value judgements on people that I only know on an internet board. I greatly appreciate the sharing that has taken place thus far and I hope this doesn't degenerate into name-calling and such. I think we're all better than that here at Organissimo. That's why I decided to start the thread in the first place! Thanks, and peace everyone! Paul Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Free For All Posted August 1, 2006 Author Report Share Posted August 1, 2006 I guess I'm saying this thread is here to heal wounds and not inflict them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
connoisseur series500 Posted August 1, 2006 Report Share Posted August 1, 2006 Friends, This thread is about a very sensitive and emotional topic, and I know that it cuts deep with many people. I hope we can keep it civil and not get judgemental- I wouldn't presume to make value judgements on people that I only know on an internet board. I greatly appreciate the sharing that has taken place thus far and I hope this doesn't degenerate into name-calling and such. I think we're all better than that here at Organissimo. That's why I decided to start the thread in the first place! Thanks, and peace everyone! Paul I'm sorry, Paul, for my participation in that interlude. To Dmitry: You are correct in stating that one should not be so quick to make value judgements. In my case, I felt compelled to respond to what I viewed as bragging about sleeping with married women. I interpreted it as bragging, anway. That was what I was opposed to. My intention was not necessarily to make value judgements. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
connoisseur series500 Posted August 1, 2006 Report Share Posted August 1, 2006 I guess I'm saying this thread is here to heal wounds and not inflict them. Doesn't it state in your thread title that "rants" are welcome? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hot Ptah Posted August 1, 2006 Report Share Posted August 1, 2006 I do see a value in obtaining a full explanation from a partner who has announced plans to leave you. There can be misconceptions in a marriage, in which one partner projects his or her own thoughts, feelings, family or childhood background etc. onto the objectively neutral behavior of the other. It would be valuable, in my opinion, to be sure that the partner planning to leave was not doing so based on a misconception. One can say that if there was great communication in a marriage that such a thing could not happen, but in my experience, it certainly can, even with a lot of communication in general. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dmitry Posted August 1, 2006 Report Share Posted August 1, 2006 You mean to tell us that you had an FBI file pulled on every man you ever slept with? Or one or two married ones managed to slip through the cracks [no pun intended]? There is a monumental difference between unknowlingly and knowlingly sleeping with another man's wife. I'm with Patricia here. Your actions were reprehensible. Perhaps not as reprehensible as the women's, of course. Really now. What leads you to believe that I didn't find out post-factum, not a priori? Ever see Belle Du Jour? Well, the way you mentioned the incidents suggested you knew a priori. Maybe you should reserve your judgements for something you really know about. I am sure such topic exists. As it stands, you owe me an apology. For what? Bragging about sexual conquests of married women? Hey Dude, what you do is between yourself and the parties involved. Just don't expect to come on the board bragging about this crap without expecting to be challenged about it. "Boom-Boom" Conn BTW, read my responses. Where was I being rude to you? I merely said that I woudn't be so proud of such behavior, and I stand by that. You on the other hand, responded quite rudely. Go fuck yourself. In a metaphorical sense of course. Since you're married and all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Free For All Posted August 1, 2006 Author Report Share Posted August 1, 2006 I guess I'm saying this thread is here to heal wounds and not inflict them. Doesn't it state in your thread title that "rants" are welcome? Of course! I was thinking rants about the frustration, pain and processing of one's own situation. Not aiming that energy towards anyone here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jim Alfredson Posted August 1, 2006 Report Share Posted August 1, 2006 Let's cool it, ok? I really don't want to close this thread. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
connoisseur series500 Posted August 1, 2006 Report Share Posted August 1, 2006 Let's cool it, ok? I really don't want to close this thread. No, don't close the thread. No more from me. It's an honest and meaninful topic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JSngry Posted August 1, 2006 Report Share Posted August 1, 2006 Dude - LTB & I have been to the brink more than once. Frighteningly close in fact, to the point where I was in tears huddled up in a puddle where nobody could see. Why & how we pulled back remains a mystery to me, so if you're looking for a "what could I have done differently?" kinda thing, I'm not the guy, and neither is she. What I can tell you with absolute certainty is that shit happens, and more often than not it hurts. There is no other explanation sometimes, and the only "advice" I can offer with any amount of self-respect is this - you know who you are, and you know what kind of a person you are. Never let life's nutkicks make you forget that, and never allow the things that go south in life become the things that you allow yourself to be defined by. I know you'd like some kind of "explanation", if for no other reason than to maybe gain some insight into how to keep the situation from repeating itself further on up the road. There may indeed be one that you're not getting, but then again, maybe not. Like I said, sometimes shit really does happen "just because". Ok, one more piece of advice from the heart - you don't have to forget, but you defiitely need to forgive at some point. Hanging on to pain and bitterness is a recipie for long-term emotional suicide. It ain't gonna happen all at once, obviously, but it does need to happen. I do know that the only reason that Brenda & I have managed to stay together after pulling back from the brink those times is that we've made concerted efforts to let go of the pain we've caused each other over the years. And yes, letting go is an ongoing process. One might even say that it's a life's work. But there it is. What I'm saying is that this unfortunate turn of events ain't gonna kill you unless you let it. But it ain't gonna make you stronger either unless you let it. I feel your pain, and wish that it wasn't happening. But since it is, all I can offer you is symapthy and the exhortation to keep your head to the sky, even if it means using a crowbar for support. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jazzmoose Posted August 1, 2006 Report Share Posted August 1, 2006 Wow...I can't believe the reactions to Dmitry's post here. You people really think that, in a relationship between a married woman and a single man (or vice versa), both are equally guilty? An interesting interpretation, but only one party here is breaking the promise they made. I'm not saying that the single partner is a shining example of morality, but jeez... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aggie87 Posted August 1, 2006 Report Share Posted August 1, 2006 Wow...I can't believe the reactions to Dmitry's post here. You people really think that, in a relationship between a married woman and a single man (or vice versa), both are equally guilty? An interesting interpretation, but only one party here is breaking the promise they made. I'm not saying that the single partner is a shining example of morality, but jeez... I won't speak for Conn or how he thinks about the issue, but I never suggested anything about "equal guilt". My comment was in reference to Dmitry's post, explaining why it appeared to me that he knew beforehand about his partner's marital status. Yes, the married person who cheats is breaking their marriage vows. But the single person who knowingly has a relationship with a married person is also engaging in wrong behavior - ethically and morally. I think that person has to shoulder some blame for their actions - who cares whether it's "equal" or not? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
connoisseur series500 Posted August 1, 2006 Report Share Posted August 1, 2006 (edited) Wow...I can't believe the reactions to Dmitry's post here. You people really think that, in a relationship between a married woman and a single man (or vice versa), both are equally guilty? An interesting interpretation, but only one party here is breaking the promise they made. I'm not saying that the single partner is a shining example of morality, but jeez... I won't speak for Conn or how he thinks about the issue, but I never suggested anything about "equal guilt". I didn't either. Patty may have written something about that. (Conn already vowed not to say another word on this issue) Moose: shut up! This thread is about divorce and its repurcussions. We don't want to hear about your flings w/ married women! Edited August 1, 2006 by connoisseur series500 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bright Moments Posted August 1, 2006 Report Share Posted August 1, 2006 most marriages break down when one or more of the five following factors are present (in no particular order): 1 - breach of trust 2 - money problems/issues 3 - childrens' problems/issues 4 - dissatisfaction in the bedroom 5 - control issues between spouses therapy can sometimes help for items 2 through 4 but when you have item number one, the marriage is very difficult (if not impossible) to repair. How about (6) Excessive cd music expenditure? see item #2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DukeCity Posted August 1, 2006 Report Share Posted August 1, 2006 Ok, one more piece of advice from the heart - you don't have to forget, but you defiitely need to forgive at some point. Hanging on to pain and bitterness is a recipie for long-term emotional suicide. It ain't gonna happen all at once, obviously, but it does need to happen. Amen, brother! Forgiveness can be awhile in coming. I spent a fair amount of time in a lot of anger, and being far from a place of forgiveness. But I firmly believe being right in the middle of those feelings, and really acknowledging them is the only way to eventually get to a good place. Eventually I got past the soul-sucking darkness, but I still remember it, and I still remember what put me there. I just had a visit with my ex (after not seeing her for 2 or 3 years), and it helped me confirm the fact that the anger isn't there anymore. That's a pretty good feeling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
7/4 Posted August 1, 2006 Report Share Posted August 1, 2006 most marriages break down when one or more of the five following factors are present (in no particular order): 1 - breach of trust 2 - money problems/issues 3 - childrens' problems/issues 4 - dissatisfaction in the bedroom 5 - control issues between spouses therapy can sometimes help for items 2 through 4 but when you have item number one, the marriage is very difficult (if not impossible) to repair. How about (6) Excessive cd music expenditure? see item #2 yer a pro BM... :eye: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Noj Posted August 1, 2006 Report Share Posted August 1, 2006 never allow the things that go south in life become the things that you allow yourself to be defined by. I tell myself this constantly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
connoisseur series500 Posted August 1, 2006 Report Share Posted August 1, 2006 most marriages break down when one or more of the five following factors are present (in no particular order): 1 - breach of trust 2 - money problems/issues 3 - childrens' problems/issues 4 - dissatisfaction in the bedroom 5 - control issues between spouses therapy can sometimes help for items 2 through 4 but when you have item number one, the marriage is very difficult (if not impossible) to repair. How about (6) Excessive cd music expenditure? see item #2 yer a pro BM... :eye: Yeah, he's got it all covered. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
connoisseur series500 Posted August 1, 2006 Report Share Posted August 1, 2006 never allow the things that go south in life become the things that you allow yourself to be defined by. I tell myself this constantly. Noj, can you say, "tuck rule?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Noj Posted August 1, 2006 Report Share Posted August 1, 2006 never allow the things that go south in life become the things that you allow yourself to be defined by. I tell myself this constantly. Noj, can you say, "tuck rule?" No, I can't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
connoisseur series500 Posted August 1, 2006 Report Share Posted August 1, 2006 most marriages break down when one or more of the five following factors are present (in no particular order): 1 - breach of trust 2 - money problems/issues 3 - childrens' problems/issues 4 - dissatisfaction in the bedroom 5 - control issues between spouses therapy can sometimes help for items 2 through 4 but when you have item number one, the marriage is very difficult (if not impossible) to repair. Actually, this is a clever summation. By #1, you mean infidelity, right BM? Also, can you help me out with #5 a little. Can you give me some example of control issues? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
7/4 Posted August 1, 2006 Report Share Posted August 1, 2006 Also, can you help me out with #5 a little. Can you give me some example of control issues? Not letting the wife any friends, not letting the hubby have any of his friends over to watch sports? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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