The early progression of your current long-term relationship/marriage

[Rooster_Ties]

OK, it's really late, and I'm a little under the influence (for the first time in ages – like 5 or 6 months since the last time I had four drinks in one night), and I feel like posting something I probably wouldn't otherwise.

How soon / early in the relationship did you get really serious with your current significant-other and/or spouse.

(For the record, I am NOT trying to ask for "too much information"-type posts in this thread (nor will I post any) -- I'm just looking for a general, academic/intellectual discussion about how fast people here have moved into what turned out to be long-term-relationships.)

My wife and I first met 10 years ago (this month), and we got married 5 years ago (also this month). And it was probably "love at first sight" less than two weeks after we first met. We were living together within just a couple months.

How about you??

I've been in three long-term-relationships in my entire life -- and all of them started with me getting pretty darn "involved", pretty darn quickly. (In all three cases, we were practically living together within a month or two after we first met.)

Edited April 15, 2006 by Rooster_Ties

[Dan Gould]

After two dates with my wife, I told my closest friend that I believed I had met my future wife.

It probably had something to do with the fact that at the end of the first date, she was moving my hands off her *ss but at the end of the second date, she was moving them towards her *ss. Oops, that was probably too much information.

Seriously, I knew (and she knew) (and her family knew) where this was headed, however, being a cautious person, it went like this:

First date, October 1999 (I didn't date multiple people at one time, so we were "exclusive" immediately thereafter)

Became engaged, New Year's Eve 2000

Moved in together, Summer 2001

Marriage, September 2001

[connoisseur series500]

For us, it was immediate.

Been married since 1987.

Main thing: she puts up w/ my crap!

[Soul Stream]

I met my wife and we were married 3 months later. We've been married 15 years now and have 2 kids. Guess ya kinda know. Also, before I met my wife...I never wanted to get married or ever thought I would.

[Alexander]

My wife and I were close friends in high school, but we didn't start dating until after she went off to college. On the first night that we "hooked up," my wife says that she "knew" that I was the man she was going to marry. It took me a little bit longer to come to the same conclusion, but not much. About four months into the relationship (and since it was long distance, this was only the third or fourth time we'd actually been together) I asked her to marry me. We didn't actually get married for six years, but we've been together ever since and have one child.

[Jim Alfredson]

My wife and I met at a wedding on September 15, 2001 (I was playing keys in the band, she was a bridesmaid). I had never, ever given my number to a woman while on a gig before, but when I saw her walk in the room, everything stopped and I knew I had to see her again. Funny thing was, the wedding was way up in Frankfort, MI (about 4 hours north of Lansing) and I had no idea where she was from.

Turns out she lived in Lansing. We had our first date a week later and then moved in together on the 2nd of November (6 weeks later) and I proposed the following February. We were married 1 year to the day that we met, on September 15, 2002. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

[jazzbo]

I met my wife in 1973.

We started living together in 1990. . . .

Actually, I met her in 1973 when we were both in our first year at University of Chicago, and I tried unsuccessfully to romance her, and I did manage to befriend her. I kept in touch with her til 1980 when I left Ohio for Austin and she left Chicago for Boston. Then nearly ten years later she found my number and called me out of the blue and I seized the moment. We started talking big dollars on the phone, visiting each other and she moved to Austin within five months.

She's my best friend. It was serious the moment she called me up in 1990.

[jazzbo]

And I was crazy about her from the first time I saw her.

[JSngry]

Love at first sight here too. Literally. I was playing with a "show band" in Albuquerque, December 1980. Already had a girl in that port, but when LTB came up to me out of the blue at the end of the night and invited me back to her place, there was a look in her eyes that told me right then and there (and I do mean instantly) "no more calls please, we have a winner", that this was it.

It was, and it still is.

[The Magnificent Goldberg]

I met my wife at a mutual friend's. I knew immediately that I'd marry her. It was a bit counter-intuitive, however, because she lived in another town and was married already. Eventually, she wasn't married, moved into the same town as me and I persuaded her. That didn't take too long; a month or so.

MG

[scottb]

My wife and I met in med school. We actually had a class together in undergrad but sat on opposite sides of the room. We were anatomy partners and those long hours over the cadaver sparked a friendship. Over the next four years we became closer and closer friends.

I probably "fell in love" with her first during the 3rd year when we had our clinical rotations together. It was one of those things where I could feel the chemistry but on paper we are total opposites and I let my mind convince me it wouldn't work. Everyone in class thought we were together but we just remained friends. Even store clerks would call me "Mr Gordon" after seeing her maiden name on a credit card I guess we just looked and acted like a married couple.

After graduation, she moved 3 hours away to her residency and within the first month of this separation, I knew I couldn't live without her. We dated long distance for 2 years until we got married and I transfered to a residency at the same hospital.

Approaching 8 years and 3 kids later I can't believe I almost let her get away!

Edited April 16, 2006 by scottb

[Shawn]

I'm approaching the latter half of my 30s, still hopelessly single but not wanting to be. Unfortunately I'm an old-fashioned romantic and I'm waiting for the "real thing". Whatever the hell that is....

[sal]

I'm approaching the latter half of my 30s, still hopelessly single but not wanting to be. Unfortunately I'm an old-fashioned romantic and I'm waiting for the "real thing". Whatever the hell that is....

Its all good, Shawn. I'm a few years younger than you, but I'm the same way....if the "real thing" doesn't come around, a bachelor for life I will be.....because I'll never settle. Being single the rest of my life may not be the ideal scenario, but its a HELL of alot better than being stuck in an unhappy relationship.

[md655321]

Like many others, I knew quite soon about the girl I will marry. She was dating another guy when we met, but she was unhappy and eventually dumped him partly for me. We had been working together and got to know each other better over a few months, and started dating a few days after her breakup. The first date was great, and I couldn't conceive of any possible problems that could arise. Well over six years later there hasnt been any, which is pretty good considering we were both rather unexperienced teenagers when we started dating.

As for the single guys, I think you are taking the wise route. I know too many people who were in relationships that existed out of inertia and even after a year or so the guy or girl wasnt quite sure about the relationship. However, virtually every happy relationship I have seen the people in it were VERY sure, VERY soon, as this thread indicates.

[patricia]

I'm approaching the latter half of my 30s, still hopelessly single but not wanting to be. Unfortunately I'm an old-fashioned romantic and I'm waiting for the "real thing". Whatever the hell that is....

Maybe a few thoughts from the other side of the equation might be helpful.

You know what Shawn? There IS such a thing as the "real thing". With the benefit of many more years than you, I can say that it is real, but it doesn't always end up happily ever after, nor last as long as it should.

This is not because it's not real, but because sometimes circumstances step in. In my own case it was ended by an accident and I settled for a secure marriage to a decent guy.

It was the wise choice for that time of my life. But, I still long for the magic that is so rare. If you are really lucky, you will marry your soul-mate. But that may not happen, if you are impatient.

So, realistically, we sometimes marry because we want what marriage offers, stability, children, a conventional life. But, that doesn't necessarily mean that you will never meet, later, somebody who will be magic, but unattainable, because you wanted the conventionality and direction that marriage provides.

It takes no skill to find someone to marry. But, to be comfortable with yourself alone is not so bad either. In fact, expecting someone else to make you complete is a mistake, I think.

So, don't despair. When you feel the time is right and the other person is the one, then marry her. She will be the one who brings light into the room for you. Not perfect. Just perfect for you. If you let her go, you will probably marry somebody else, but will always wonder what your life could have been.

Edited April 17, 2006 by patricia

[Soul Stream]

What blows me away, is how it seems some (mainly women, am I wrong?) will settle for a partner they are truely not in love with. That can only end in unhappiness and disappointment, and can really wreck people's lives. Not only is this not uncommon, I would say it is probably more than half of the married population. This almost always ends in mid-life divorce, usually with kids involved. Too bad. Marriage is all too often something people feel pressured to do by society, and being young when we do it (the 1st time at least)....do it without being too smart about what it really takes to make it in the long run. And the first thing it takes in the long run is to be in love when you start!

[patricia]

I agree with you, Soul Stream. But, it depends on what you think of as being in love. If you mean that blinding, irresistable chemistry that most of us will feel, more than once in our life, that's not it.

What lasts is that, plus a deeper connection. You really see them, warts and all, and those warts don't matter. The right partner makes you laugh, or you make them laugh. You miss them when they are not there, as if you had lost part of yourself. You want to tell them good news first and bad news too. As I mentioned before, they actually bring light with them into the room for you and take it away when they leave without you.

But, it is possible to have a successful marriage with someone that isn't that kind of soul connection, if you realize that they aren't. After all, marriage is a partnership of two compatable people. It's life lived with another person. Sometimes people who marry for practical reasons, or even because they panic, thinking the one is a myth can be quite happy. Those couples are more realistic, because they didn't expect magic.

There may not be the highs. But, there aren't the lows either. You're just not alone. That can be a very safe choice.

So, it's a gamble.

Edited April 17, 2006 by patricia

[clifford_thornton]

What lasts is that, plus a deeper connection. You really see them, warts and all, and those warts don't matter. The right partner makes you laugh, or you make them laugh. You miss them when they are not there, as if you had lost part of yourself. You want to tell them good news first and bad news too. As I mentioned before, they actually bring light with them into the room for you and take it away when they leave without you..

Gave that up when I left Minneapolis, alone by my own intent.

It was a difficult relationship, a lot of time/place issues, but it was real.

I do enjoy being solo, working out the kinks in the rest of my life, but of course there's something that isn't there that I miss quite a bit.

[Noj]

In the same boat with Shawn, and enjoyed reading these stories.

Just got a email from a girl I used to like in high school, and got excited for a second. She's sending me an invitation to her wedding. D'oh!

[Soulstation1]

i'm waiting for Jazz Oscar Kat's LTR / marriage story.......

[Stefan Wood]

I agree with you, Soul Stream. But, it depends on what you think of as being in love. If you mean that blinding, irresistable chemistry that most of us will feel, more than once in our life, that's not it.

What lasts is that, plus a deeper connection. You really see them, warts and all, and those warts don't matter. The right partner makes you laugh, or you make them laugh. You miss them when they are not there, as if you had lost part of yourself. You want to tell them good news first and bad news too. As I mentioned before, they actually bring light with them into the room for you and take it away when they leave without you.

But, it is possible to have a successful marriage with someone that isn't that kind of soul connection, if you realize that they aren't. After all, marriage is a partnership of two compatable people. It's life lived with another person. Sometimes people who marry for practical reasons, or even because they panic, thinking the one is a myth can be quite happy. Those couples are more realistic, because they didn't expect magic.

There may not be the highs. But, there aren't the lows either. You're just not alone. That can be a very safe choice.

So, it's a gamble.

The problem for me is that I have not met anyone who is interested in dating an "artist." Sure, it sounds cool when you are telling your friends that you are dating an artist, but to have a relationship? Not in my world, try as I might. Problem too is living in DC there are too many people who don't look favorably on my profession, for whatever reason. I've met and went out with some nice ladies, but I have never had a long term relationship. I like where I live and my job, but socially it is rough. I am in a deadly circle that is hard to get out of.

[ejp626]

Well, I was with somebody who I thought was a soulmate or very close, but in the end it just didn't work out and it set me back a lot. A few years after that, I met my wife. We dated for about 15 months, then moved in together and were engaged after a year and married another 18 months or so after that. In many ways it is great, but there are some profound differences between us that are almost impossible to bridge. We moved to New York where I had a great job. She decided after 6 months she didn't like it and stopped trying to make it work and more or less suffered through another 18 months before we moved back to Chicago. That was the closest I've come to divorce, but I decided I was better off with her, even though it meant leaving New York (one of my favorite places in the US) and a good job. If my wife was my "soul mate" in all aspects, then she would have loved New York as much as I do. England isn't working out either, though I share many of her opinions about this place, and so we'll get another year of experience under our belts then return to the US, probably to Chicago.

Basically, it comes down to the fact she can't be happy anywhere other than Chicago, and I feel very tied down by this, since it limits my options too much. It was the kind of thing she didn't know about herself until we had lived a few places, so I don't know that I would say I "settled" for less than I should have, but I certainly made a decision on less than complete information. In economic terms, I was satisficing rather than trying for the ideal partner (utility maximization). On the positive side, we generally complement each other's strengths and we have a terrific little boy. But it isn't as easy as some people seem to have it.

Perhaps I should strengthen my feelings about New York. My entire life I've wanted to live in New York. I lived there for three years and loved it, then went to grad school in Chicago where I met my wife. I never made any secret about my plans to return and was very glad to be back when I finished school. Then she found out she hated it. So it really seems to me a significant sacrifice not to be able to live there, but that was the decision I had to make.

Edited April 17, 2006 by ejp626

[Joe G]

But, to be comfortable with yourself alone is not so bad either. In fact, expecting someone else to make you complete is a mistake, I think.

That's a big one - might even be THE key realization.

[Robert J]

It's all Plato's fault:

Out of the original unity of being there is a fragmentation and dispersal of beings, the last stage being the splitting of one soul into two. And consequently, love is the search by each half for the other half on earth or in heaven...

[Guest]

It's all Plato's fault:

Let's keep Dana Plato out of this. We've already established that we can't discuss civilly the distiction between the artist's work and their lifestyle choices. Let her rest in peace.

My story is an amusing one:

I met my wife in 1986 at the University of North Texas (which was NTSU at the time). She was a freshman, I was a sophmore. Sparks? You betcha, but there was a catch. Her brother was my roommate and bandmate, so I moved right into protective-older-brother-friend mode.

We were buddies, but there was always more. We went to a few dances and ballgames together but carefully straddled that line.

Late in college it kind of became an issue, but I didn't want to ruin my friendship with her brother.

After college, it became a growing issue and I realized that I didn't really see her brother that much anymore, but now I was worried about screwing up my friendship with her.

I had a string of relationships that were not right, started telling myself that relationships just take work and fighting was healthy. Might have settled, but I had a much harder time seeing her in the wrong relationships. And, oh, she grew up quite nicely and just kept getting hotter and hotter in my eyes. She was independant and had a nice little radio career going.

So, one day, I decided to abruptly end the bad relationship de jour that I was in and go for broke. I decided that if it ended our friendship it would be worth the effort. It didn't. It took me a while and some theatrics, but when we finally crossed that line, it was a done deal.

Started living in quasi-sin within a few months. Engaged within the first year, married as soon as we could pull it off and we're headed for our 10th anniversary in September. I'd like to renew our vows so that I can start introducing her as my second wife, just to shake the story up a little.

A few things I've learned in marriage. It is easy, but it's not a free pass. You've got to remain attentive and be prepared for some curveballs. People change (as they should) as they age, grow and have new experiences. You can't hold on to the person you imprinted into your mind when you met and shouldn't want to. It's about loving each other and keeping romance alive, but it's at least as much about supporting each other. Had I settled, no amount of work would have saved any of those relationships, it would have really come down to how unhappy I would have accepted that I could live with being. Fortunately for me, she's still a hottie and she still seems to see something in me.

I don't take a single day for granted and never wish that I was with someone else. I have no idea what the next 10 years will hold for us, but we're both buckled in for the ride. I would chose solitude over settling without a second thought. There's no reason to do this with the wrong person.

Then again, what do I know?

Edited April 17, 2006 by TroyK