35 IMPORTANT RULES FOR BANDS

[randissimo]

''35 IMPORTANT RULES FOR BANDS''

1. Never start a trio with a married couple.

2. Your manager's not helping you.

3. Before you sign a record deal, look up the word "recoupable" in the dictionary.

4. No one cares who you've opened for.

5. A string section does not make your songs sound any more "important."

6. If your band has gone through more than four bass players, it's time to

break up.

7. When you talk on stage, you're never as funny as you think.

8. If you sound like another band, don't act like you're unfamiliar with their music

("Oh, does 'Rage Against The Machine' also do rap-rock with political lyrics?")

9. Asking a crowd how they're doing is just amplified small talk. (Stop it!)

10. Don't say your video's being played if it's only on the Austin Music Network.

11. When you sign to a major label, claim to have inked the best contract ever.

Mention "artistic freedom" and a "guaranteed three record deal."

12. When you get dropped, insist that it was the worst contract ever, and you

asked to be let go.

13. Never name a song after your band.

14. Never name your band after a song.

15. When a drummer brings in his own songs, and asks to perform one of them,

begin looking for a new drummer immediately.

16. Never enter a 'Battle of the Bands' contest.

17. Learn to recognize scary word pairings such as "rock opera," ''cover band,''

"white rapper," "blues jam," "open mike," and ''free gig''...... etc.

18. Drummers can take off their shirts 'or' they can wear gloves, but not both.

19. Break it to your parents: it's rock 'n' roll, not a soccer game. They've gotta stop coming to your shows.

20. It's not a "showcase." It's a gig that doesn't pay.

21. Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet.

22. Don't hire a publicist.

23. Playing in Akron, Ohio (maybe at 'Red's') doesn't mean you're on tour.

24. Don't join a cover band that plays Bush songs. In fact, don't join 'any' cover band.

25. Although they come in different styles and colors, electric guitars all sound the same. It's not necessary to keep changing them between songs.

26. Don't stop your set to ask that beers be brought up.

That's what girlfriends and boyfriends are for.

27. If you use a smoke machine, your music sucks.

28. We can tell the difference between a professionally produced album cover

and one you made with the iMac your Mom got you for Christmas.

29. Remember: if blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16 year olds play them?

30. If you do take a publicity photo, destroy it. You never know where or when it may turn up.

31. Cut your hair, but don't shave your head.

32. Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow. (vise versa)

33. Don't wear shorts onstage. Or a suit. Or a hat.

34. Rock oxymorons: "major label interest," "demo deal," "blues genius,"

"$500 guarantee," and "Fastball's second hit."

35. Three things that are never coming back: ( beside 'bosa nova' and disco)

gongs, headbands, and playing slide guitar with a beer bottle.

[sheldonm]

''35 IMPORTANT RULES FOR BANDS''

1. Never start a trio with a married couple.

2. Your manager's not helping you.

3. Before you sign a record deal, look up the word "recoupable" in the dictionary.

4. No one cares who you've opened for.

5. A string section does not make your songs sound any more "important."

6. If your band has gone through more than four bass players, it's time to

break up.

7. When you talk on stage, you're never as funny as you think.

8. If you sound like another band, don't act like you're unfamiliar with their music

("Oh, does 'Rage Against The Machine' also do rap-rock with political lyrics?")

9. Asking a crowd how they're doing is just amplified small talk. (Stop it!)

10. Don't say your video's being played if it's only on the Austin Music Network.

11. When you sign to a major label, claim to have inked the best contract ever.

Mention "artistic freedom" and a "guaranteed three record deal."

12. When you get dropped, insist that it was the worst contract ever, and you

asked to be let go.

13. Never name a song after your band.

14. Never name your band after a song.

15. When a drummer brings in his own songs, and asks to perform one of them,

begin looking for a new drummer immediately.

16. Never enter a 'Battle of the Bands' contest.

17. Learn to recognize scary word pairings such as "rock opera," ''cover band,''

"white rapper," "blues jam," "open mike," and ''free gig''...... etc.

18. Drummers can take off their shirts 'or' they can wear gloves, but not both.

19. Break it to your parents: it's rock 'n' roll, not a soccer game. They've gotta stop coming to your shows.

20. It's not a "showcase." It's a gig that doesn't pay.

21. Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet.

22. Don't hire a publicist.

23. Playing in Akron, Ohio (maybe at 'Red's') doesn't mean you're on tour.

24. Don't join a cover band that plays Bush songs. In fact, don't join 'any' cover band.

25. Although they come in different styles and colors, electric guitars all sound the same. It's not necessary to keep changing them between songs.

26. Don't stop your set to ask that beers be brought up.

That's what girlfriends and boyfriends are for.

27. If you use a smoke machine, your music sucks.

28. We can tell the difference between a professionally produced album cover

and one you made with the iMac your Mom got you for Christmas.

29. Remember: if blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16 year olds play them?

30. If you do take a publicity photo, destroy it. You never know where or when it may turn up.

31. Cut your hair, but don't shave your head.

32. Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow. (vise versa)

33. Don't wear shorts onstage. Or a suit. Or a hat.

34. Rock oxymorons: "major label interest," "demo deal," "blues genius,"

"$500 guarantee," and "Fastball's second hit."

35. Three things that are never coming back: ( beside 'bosa nova' and disco)

gongs, headbands, and playing slide guitar with a beer bottle.

....ask Henry Grimes about #35 (headbands)! Thanks for posting; pretty damn funny!

Mark

[tonym]

15. When a drummer brings in his own songs, and asks to perform one of them,

begin looking for a new drummer immediately.

I take it this isn't experience talking is it Randy?

[Jazz Kat]

Usually when a drummer proposses a song he/she wrote, there's a lot of drum solos in it.

[randissimo]

15. When a drummer brings in his own songs, and asks to perform one of them,

begin looking for a new drummer immediately.

I take it this isn't experience talking is it Randy?

[Big Al]

6. If your band has gone through more than four bass players, it's time to break up.

Unless you're the Allman Brothers.

[Soulstation1]

i guess metallica is very close to callin' it quits

[Big Al]

I hope!

[Soul Stream]

Has your manager read rule #2?

[GA Russell]

33. Don't wear shorts onstage.

I saw Stan Getz, with Dave Holland on bass, in Boston in August of '72. Stan wore bermuda shorts! It looked a little strange, but his clothes were sharp and he looked like the most comfortable person in the room.