Steven Wright on Letterman in a few minutes

[BERIGAN]

sorry for the late notice, just saw that he was....haven't seen him in a looong time on tv....

[Shrdlu]

I used to enjoy him on Conan. Canadian, right?

[RDK]

Just a few...

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

[Chuck Nessa]

The menu said "breakfast anytime" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

[Larry Kart]

I used to work at the factory where they make hydrants but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.

[GloriousBlues]

The other day I......uh, oh, wait, that wasn't me.

[BERIGAN]

I tivoed it, but can't remember what he said...it was funny though! hopefully I will be able to remember them when I get back to the computer later...

[Shrdlu]

The appearance was far too short, for a comedian of that caliber. The rest of the show was just airhead filler - such things as an 80 lb pumpkin being blown up outside the studio, yet.

Yet another reason why I don't watch much TV anymore. Seems to me that when digital appeared, the supply of reasonable-quality programming pretty well dried up. I'm not demanding Marsterpiece Theartah type stuff, just stuff that's nice to watch when I want to relax and unwind.

But that's what CDs and LPs are for.

[rachel]

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

[DTMX]

You can't have everything. Where would you keep it?

[Shrdlu]

All so far have been copied into a file.

More, please!

[ghost of miles]

I put instant coffee in my microwave and almost went back in time.

[Joe G]

I bought some batteries... but they weren't included... so I had to buy them again.

[rachel]

All who believe in telekinesis, please raise my hand...

Edited November 7, 2004 by rachel

[Shawn]

I bought some powdered water...but didn't know what to add.

I have a skylight in my apartment, I like it, it's nice...the people upstairs don't like it very much.

[Guest Chaney]

While looking for this one...

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was

locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He

said, "Yes, but not in a row."

... I found these:

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've

forgotten this before.

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me

-- and I didn't hear it.

He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into

another dimension.

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No

brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.

My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New

York.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

I'm so hyper... (Said with a very dull voice.)

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

Four years ago... No, it was yesterday. Today I... No, that wasn't me.

Sometimes I... No, I don't.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet

Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for

a satellite picture.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile =

1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the

world. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the

beaches of the world... Perhaps you've seen it.

It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay

right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?"

I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues

that are in all the other museums.

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With

Pail... Kitten On Fire.

One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by

children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.

One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.

I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I

said, "Give me two boys and a girl."

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you

can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they

can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me

what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape

of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had

to buy them again.

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's

free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were

trapped on the escalators.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap

Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know

when to stop unwrapping.

Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French looking girl.

She was a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't read in two different languages.

I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" And I said,

"Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so...

he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She

said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said,

"They're behind the couch." And they were!

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? The guy who

wrote that song wrote everything.

My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... Well,

to make a long story short ...

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill

in the rest.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a

book mark and flew across the room.

I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are

furious!

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs

synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a

department store... With a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money

in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

While I was gone, somebody rearranged all the furniture in my bedroom. They

put it in *exactly* the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said:

"Do I know you?"

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often

I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman

in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real

brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm

gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... It feels real."

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... So I never

have to go upstairs.

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room-temperature.

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do

you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I

wasn't going to be out that long."

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means

it's going to be up all night.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep

good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I

was an only child... eventually.

The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

Money can't buy happiness... but it sure makes misery easier to live

with.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

[GloriousBlues]

The early bird gets the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese.

[Joe G]

That's good. And this one's hilarious:

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were

trapped on the escalators.

[BERIGAN]

Thanks for those Chaney!

[ejp626]

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were

trapped on the escalators.

I actually was on an escalator in a store, when it broke down. Somebody did yell (jokingly), oh no we're stuck.

I was in the hot tub in a health club in Manhattan, and a guy got in that looked very much like Steven Wright. I doubt if it was him, but that would certainly be my closest celebrity sighting. Trying to think of a joke here, but that only proves why I am not a comic.

I think my favorite Wright joke is the map one, cited above. Oddly enough a recent episode of Joey (my wife was watching and I just happened to be in the room!), ripped this off. Joey had made reservations all over Southern California, then when told this, he said, "Darn it, it looked so much closer on the map. Why don't they make maps full size" or something like that.

And what is up with the long person on the streets segments in Leno's show and extended monologue and schtick? I think a few times now there have been two commercial breaks before the celebrity interview. Either this is Jay's passive aggressive way of commenting on the quality of that night's star or he is just getting bored with the interview format in general.

[Shrdlu]

Thanks for that huge list, Chaney!