Phil Meloy

My dad actually gave one of those to me as a holiday gag gift this year. It's billed as a "head massager." Dumbest. Gift. Ever. How'd you get on with it BW?

That's it? It looks like a thing I buy for my guys to pluck citrus off the trees. What hell do you expect for a measly £6.99?

Twenty bucks says AfricaBrass discovers a Twinkie with a face on it before lunch today. Yeah but I defy him to come up with a Virgin Mary & Baby Jesus Natural Occurance PopCorn. Bids for this little beauty start at $250 over on ebay.

Even if this thing does work they're gonna have trouble marketing it considering there's already this Orgasmatron commercially available for £6.99. Strangely enough you're supposed to stick it on your head. God knows what good that's gonna do but from the look of it I sure as hell wouldn't want to stick it anywhere else.

Hmm - sounds like maybe this guy might actually be on to something. Might be a good idea to check if he ain't some kind of long lost cousin after all.

Don't be such a cynic Ray. As evidence of the toasted cheese sandwich Virgin Mary's spiritual qualites Diane Duyser has pointed out that the sandwich has never gone mouldy since she made it 10 years ago. She says she has done absolutely nothing to preserve the sandwich except keep it in a plastic box in a drawer next to her bed and pack pieces of cotton wool around it but "it doesn't fall apart or crumble or anything". What else (apart of from the arm's length list of chemicals found in your average pack of supermarket processed cheese) could be responsible for this other than divine intervention.

What is?

Barbarella Orgasmatron - 1968 Sleeper Orgasmitron - 1973

Yeeesss!!! Orgasmatron works Ten out of 11 women who tested a so-called Orgasmatron reported an increase in sexual pleasure. The electronic implant was named after a machine in the 1968 Jane Fonda film Barbarella. Inventor Dr Stuart Meloy (not related to poster), an American pain consultant, said: "This is the first group research and I think we have demonstrated that it works." One woman in the trial, Mary Clegg, 52, from Hampshire, said: "It certainly did work for me. When I first used it my leg flew up in the air." The device, implanted into the buttocks, is said to produce an orgasm at the push of a remote-controlled button. Patients can pay £9,000 to have two electrodes implanted which are connected by wires to nerves in the spinal cord. With a remote-control they can send tiny pulses of electricity through their spinal nerves, which can lead to orgasm. Dr Meloy, who is to submit the trial results to the journal Neural Modulation, originally used the device to ease back pain. He became aware of the positive side effects when a patient suggested he teach her husband how to 'do that'.

It is indeed a good thing that so many wonderous objects have begun to emerge from AB's humble kitchen as it appears humanity is now in danger of losing the Holy Tortlla. Years of merciless southwestern heat have literally fried and refried the tortilla. The image, once recognizable even in photographs, has faded to a half dozen brown spots and a wiggly burnt blotch. There is no doubt that a replacement will be required as the faithful still travel to Lake Arthur to see the original. Despite the braying of scientists and skeptics, the Holy Tortilla has developed a solid fan base. By 1979 - only two years after its discovery -over 35,000 people had visited the shrine, bringing flowers and photos of sick loved ones.

Sacred food it seems is not just confined to Christianity. Take for example the Holy Aubergine of India... Aubergine seeds spell out 'Allah' An Indian woman cut open an aubergine to find seeds spelling out the word Allah. Visitors flocked to see the aubergine at a house in Mendhasal village, near Bhubaneswar. Oriya language daily, Sambad, reported that the aubergine was bought from the local market. Muhammad Khalil's wife sliced open the vegetable. She noticed the seeds read 'Allah' in Urdu script. She informed the Imam who ordered the vegetable to be kept in a mosque for offering prayers. Hundreds of Muslims converged on the mosque to see the vegetable. As far as I am aware this particular item has not yet appeared for sale on Ebay.

A holy food discovery also took place on Oct. 5, 1977. Maria Rubio of Lake Arthur, N.M., was filling a tortilla with eggs, chiles and beans when she looked in her skillet and saw something that would change her life. ''It looks like our Lord Jesus Christ,'' she reportedly told her daughters. Shaken, the family drove to a church in the nearby town of Dexter, where a priest tried to convince her that it was all a coincidence. Rubio nevertheless persuaded the priest, however reluctantly, to bless what was her day-old breakfast. In back of the mobile home where they lived, the Rubio family built turned a 6-foot wood shed into a makeshift shrine, fitting it with glass doors. Soon it would be one of the state's more popular tourist attractions, drawing more than 35,000 people over the years, with some praying for diving assistance, according to one tourist guide. There's no word on whether the tortilla shrine helps in cases of heartburn. Conveniently the Miracle Tortilla is located just 30 miles from Roswell, a popular tourist destination for UFO believers. In yet another Mexican food phenomenon, Oregon's 24-hour Church of Elvis in Portland displayed a "Miracle of the Tortilla of Turin" — a corn chip imprinted with the face of rock 'n' roll's king of kings.

I don't suppose four divorces could have done this guys finances much good either.

Also apparently a Canadian Fred Whan, isolated in cold and snowy Ontario, is currently disputing eBay’s rejection of his burnt fishfinger with an image of Jesus burnt on the surface. Fred kept the fishfinger since burning it over a year ago on noticing that it seemed to feature a man's face. Fred recalls that "I said: "That looks like a rock singer", and then my son goes: "It looks like Jesus", and I said: "Well, it does, yeah". "He just can’t understand why Ebay approved Diana Duyser's toasted cheese sandwich Virgin Mary but rejected his fishfinger Jesus. He figures that the son of God has got to be worth twice as much as the mother! Fred is currently trying to take his dispute to a higher authority. Maybe this latest miracle which has occurred in a frying pan in Texas will boost his chances. Also as I understand it the Golden Palace casino will soon be sending Diana Duyser and the toasted cheese sandwich Virgin Mary on a nationwide tour. Coming soon to a town near you!

Congatulations John.

Apparently Chris the bun has been preserved and is on continuous display at the Bongo Java coffee house in Nashville, TN. For anyone wishing to make their own personal pilgrimage to this holy shrine, Bongo Java is located across the street from Belmont University in Nashville's Belmont-Hillsboro neighborhood. 2007 Belmont Blvd. Nashville, TN 37212. Hours: Monday – Friday 7am – 11pm; Saturday & Sunday 8am – 11pm Phone: (615) 385-JAVA NunBun

Jesus found in frying pan A Texan family say they have found the image of Jesus in their frying pan. Juan Pastrano, wife Mary-Lou and son Juan Jnr made the discovery when they went to wash up after a fry-up at their home in Prairie Lea. Now they are keeping the pan in a sealed plastic bag while they decided what to do with it. Two months ago a woman who discovered an image of the Virgin Mary in her toasted cheese sandwich sold it for £14,000 to casino company GoldenPalace.com. . Jewellery maker Diana Duyser, 52, was shocked when the bidding went through the roof after she offered it for sale on eBay. Now Mrs Duyser has suggested the Texas family follow her example and offer it for sale on eBay. "I think they will be amazed how much it could sell for," she said.

If these are already available in Germany it could be the reason why those German politicians keep mistaking all those bars for brothels?

How not to test a hand grenade... www.ananova.com A drunken German who bought three hand grenades at a flea market in Bosnia has been arrested after throwing one out of the window to see whether it worked. The 36-year-old took the three hand grenades home to Frankfurt as souvenirs where he kept them in a drawer for ten years. But after drinking heavily with friends he showed one of them the explosive devices and decided to pull the pin on one after his pals claimed they did not believe they were real. The grenade exploded between two blocks of flats and police who quickly traced the man thanks to eye-witnesses seized the two other unexploded grenades. He was released after he sobered up and faces charges of illegal possession of explosives.

Man peed way out of avalanche Ananova.com A Slovak man trapped in his car under an avalanche freed himself by drinking 60 bottles of beer and urinating on the snow to melt it. Rescue teams found Richard Kral drunk and staggering along a mountain path four days after his Audi car was buried in the Slovak Tatra mountains. He told them that after the avalanche, he had opened his car window and tried to dig his way out. But as he dug with his hands, he realised the snow would fill his car before he managed to break through. He had 60 half-litre bottles of beer in his car as he was going on holiday, and after cracking one open to think about the problem he realised he could urinate on the snow to melt it, local media reported. He said: "I was scooping the snow from above me and packing it down below the window, and then I peed on it to melt it. It was hard and now my kidneys and liver hurt. But I'm glad the beer I took on holiday turned out to be useful and I managed to get out of there." Parts of Europe have this week been hit by the heaviest snowfalls since 1941, with some places registering more than ten feet of snow in 24 hours.

I'm an arts administrator. I currently work for the national support organisation for jazz here in the UK. We are closely linked to the Arts Council of England and our work touches on many areas of UK jazz i.e jazz education, touring grants for bands, publishing information booklets on things like how to release your own CD, etc but one of our central functions is to run a large web site full of information about jazz in the UK as a resource for the UK jazz community. For example lots of jazz musicians use our site when they're trying to book gigs as the Database section of the site has the contacts for promoters and jazz festivals all over the UK. We essentially do not charge for any of our services apart from selling the odd publication. Check the site out for yourself if you like: Jazz Services We also own the magazine "Jazz UK". You can read back issues of it on the site.

Sex film shock for Doris Day fans 27 January 2005 A devout Baptist couple today told of their disgust after they bought a classic musical DVD featuring Doris Day from their local supermarket only to discover it was a Italian sex film. Alan and Anne Leigh-Browne, from Wellington, Somerset, had been expecting to enjoy watching The Pajama Game, a romantic comedy featuring the fifties icon. Instead the shocked pensioners were confronted by raunchy sex film - Tettore che Passione, which translates as Breasts of Passion. Retired doctor Alan, 67, picked up the film, which was sealed in plastic wrapping, for £2.99 from the bargain bin of a Safeway supermarket in nearby Taunton last Monday. On Thursday the couple who are regular attenders of their local Baptist church, settled down with a cup of tea to watch the 1957 film which has a U (universal) certificate. Mr Leigh-Browne explained: "We are big fans of Doris Day and were looking forward to the film, but we knew something was amiss when a warning flashed up on the screen advising under 18s not to carry on watching. "Then some topless young women appeared and started talking in Italian we were horrified, it's not what you expect from a Doris Day film. "It was a pretty raunchy, explicit film, it certainly pulled no punches. My wife and I were very shocked but we watched it until the end because we couldn't believe what we were seeing. "The film became progressively more graphic, there was no plot to it, it was just sex." Alan and his wife Anne, 60, a retired teacher, complained to Safeway the next day and all copies of the Pajama Game were immediately removed from the store. A spokeswoman for Morrisons who now run Safeway said: "We would urge the customer involved to return the product to their nearest store with proof of purchase or send direct to the Customer Services Department at Morrisons Head Office as a thorough investigation cannot take place until the product is returned." But the Leigh-Brownes, who are still to pick up a copy of the original Pajama Game, are anxious that the porn film could have fallen into the wrong hands. Mr Leigh Browne added: "Out biggest concern with the whole episode was that small children could easily have bought the film and been exposed to its content. It was in the bargain bin alongside other children's films. "There must be some way of ensuring that this cannot happen."

A new book featuring 21 current British jazz musicians by Chris Horne has just been published. Here is a piece that has just appeared about it: Chris Horne: Contemporary Jazz UK: Twenty One Lives in Jazz Jazz in the UK right now is experiencing one of its most exciting and creative periods, at the hands of an immensely talented corps of young jazz players and composers. In this book, through a series of interviews, Chris Horne allows twenty-one of these musicians to reveal in their own words what inspired them to become jazz musicians, to discuss the twists and turns of their careers, and to share their aspirations as well as their likes and dislikes in music. The sum total is an enlightening and entertaining perspective on today’s UK jazz scene through the words of 21 of its leading practitioners: Iain Ballamy, Denys Baptiste, Guy Barker, Alan Barnes, Bill Bruford, Ben Castle, Andy Cleyndert, Jamie Cullum, Alec Dankworth, John Donaldson, Tim Garland, Geoff Gascoyne, Nigel Hitchcock, Nikki Iles, Julian Joseph, Ingrid Laubrock, Steve Melling, Jim Mullen, Dave Newton, Kenrick Rowe and Clark Tracey. Book, 215 pages “I reviewed jazz for the Times for twenty years and this is just the kind of book I needed to have back then…. Brilliant." – Miles Kington “This book makes for an intelligent introduction to the work and outlook on life of some of the most active musicians in Britain today. I am sure it will be enjoyed by anyone who has an interest in how British jazz is continuing to develop.” – Rt. Hon Kenneth Clarke QC MP

Recognise anyone? Flame Warriors

This could be just the thing to deal with all those SUVs.