The Red Menace

Come and keep your comrades warm!!!

How you warm the cockles of this old commissar's heart with such talk, my friend!!! I hasten to add however that these Ron and Juan characters of which you speak do not seem in need of the re-education which you propose. Capitalist running dogs, on the other hand, veritably abound on this internet bulletin board!!! Clearly there is much rounding up to be done, perhaps beginning with this Wingy comrade who keeps running amok. In the space of 24 hours he has personally insulted a number of longstanding members using racial caricatures and colorful language like "stupid motherfucker." Zounds!!! Even my young grandson does not swear so badly when he imitates this hiphop din or chastises me for not giving him more money. What fun my old friends in the NKVD would have had with this one!!! But what is this "Report Post" function??? A cunning and intriguing device, how did I fail to overlook it for so long??? Ingenious!!! Upon gazing at it for very long I begin to hyperventilate. It is more exciting than that Paris Hilton video!!!

Scheisse!!! We should meet for schnapps and vodka sometime, my bearded Viennese cigar-smoking friend!!! Then perhaps we could discuss at greater length our various methods for dealing with these Wingy rogues!!! I'm sure your notes are as extensive as mine. And now back to my Raisa photo-album. How I wish my grandson would turn down that 50 Sense hiphop racket!!!

It is the cover to the Fairport Convention's Unhalfbricking LP of countercultural folk music fame!!! Note the foreground appearance of typical bourgeois life, whilst in the background something sinister is suggested. Very indicative of pseudorevolutionary Western sixties art!!! I suggest you give it a spin sometime when a spell of lucidity happens upon you.

Don't let my little storm of steel friend, the Red Menace, find out the identities of these tattling little apfel-polishers or they'll quickly find themselves doing zee wango tango in one of his NKVD dungeons in Kaliningrad!!! You bring a nostalgic smile to this old wizened commissar's face, Herr Doktor!!! If only we had had your considerable skills and talents there to help along our inquiries!!! Much time and trouble would have been saved. Have you considered making this Comrade Wingy character stand on one foot for days on end??? And now back to my online gambling binge.

This General Bill Boykin fellow does it all the time!!! And now back to my "oldies."

Yes it is what you call a case of mixed-up identities!!! I am forever in the good doctor's debt for pulling me from the rubble of the former Soviet Union of Blue Note Boards catastrophe. That was a close one, my friends!!! And now back to my Internet cruising, as they say.

I beg of you to be careful, Comrade Wingy!!! As a purge victim I urge you not to stay bombed all the time, lest you share the woeful fate which befell me after I playfully yanked the Great Leader's mustache one night at a party in the Kremlin!!! He sent me on a long vacation. Here are some of the photos I brought back!!! This Organissimo safe haven I have found is warm and toasty, with friendly fellows and good spirits!!! Just do not partake too much of the spirits, I beg of you!!! And now back to my later Gato Barbieri LPs.

I must tell you Comrade Achtung that some of my best friends are bunnies!!!

I will say right now comrades that this brings me most unpleasant memories of my own battle with the bulge. How keenly I remember that meeting in 1951 when Stalin cast a baleful eye in my direction and remarked that I looked somewhat overweight. When later I heard how the great Bennie Goodman enjoyed giving his musicians the ray I thought how like Stalin that was!!! Later he observed my pallor and a certain inability on my part to hold a glass of vodka without an uneasy trembling of my hands. Within a week I found myself in Ekibastuz and the rest as they say is history. I raked much gravel and lost 130 pounds. But I came back in fighting trim, comrades!!! Sadly these days I have discovered your wonderful Bourgeois King chain of American restaurants. I have fallen in love with the Great Whopper!!! And alas I am back up to 260 pounds. When the leaves fall I give my young grandson five sawbucks and he rakes the leaves so that he may buy the latest 50 Cent compact music release. You want to talk about bringing some noise!!!

Great cheers and celebrations and AK-47 salutes, you reactionary rapscallion, you!!! If only we had abducted you when we had the chance!!! I will play some Tree Sounds this fine evening in your honor, my little capitalist friend. To the good life!!!

Comrade Johnny, I give you the most glorious harvesting machine the proud peoples of America have ever constructed!!!

Please get better soon, Comrade Tod!!! May I suggest large doses of vodka and many listenings to this outstanding collection of music for a speedy recovery??? We look forward to your recurring posts!!! And now back to my Fox programs.

I am searching for a good and useful book about my American singing heroes the Beach Boys, whose greatness is surpassed only by their mentors the Four Froshmen. Are there any such good books about this intriguing band???

Herr Doktor, you are much too modest. Surely you remember how you offered me your last schnapps when you saw my fingers desperately thrusting up from the rubble?!? And how you carefully crafted a small glass straw on the spot for me to drink it through??? Were it not for your kind attendance, Dr. Achtung, I would not be here at all!!! But how I was shocked when you briefly lost your vaunted self-control and began to lash out at various political scoundrels, your language full of striking obscenities and vulcan-like displays of rhetoric!!! You seem to be quite yourself again and I am happy to see you here. And now back to my early-late-pre-dawn vodka. Can any comrades confirm for me these rumors of an imminent Jackie Gleason Mosaic set???

Ahh, purges, I've seen 'em come, seen 'em go, comrades (and go, and go, and go!!!). That little burgermeister Tom tried to play me for a stiff but as your English comrade Elton John likes to sing, "I'm still standing!!!" I fear my young grandson is discovering the 70's, or was that the 80's??? I fear my memory these days is a weak thing at best, comrades, but if I recall correctly after a night of celebratory vodkas, it was Alexei Kovalyov and Mikhail Kantaria who hoisted the flag over the Reichstag. Some shameful reactionaries try to claim that the picture was posed!!! You Americans, so rightfully proud of your Iwo Jima snapshot, surely share my indignation. And now to the Mosaic site to sample some audio bites from the Bobby Hacker.

Oh my red stars and aching buttocks, comrades!!! I have finally arrived, but it was a most difficult trip: On my way I had to drop off some supplies for an old friend in Baghdad who's down on his luck these days. Loyalty, comrades, should be my middle name!!! You'll doubtless be enthused to know that I had Comrade Dada take a snapshot of me as we were both evacuating the Blue Note Bulletin board. I had to claim that motley vista of devastation for the Motherland, should those capitalist running dogs at EMI ever try to reappropriate it for themselves. It is truly the People's Blue Note now!!! But enough of this talk!!! I am happy to see that the Four Froshmen are as much-loved here as they were at our beloved old virtual dacha. However, I am sorry to report that I have not yet acquired this fascinating compilation!!! Perhaps, comrades, I can boost its sales stature if I do so. But I must also admit that your constant mention of this Buddy Hackett set has whetted my musical appetite as well!!! I may indeed acquire it in precedence of the Froshmen box. This capitalist consumption habit is a cursed thing, I tell you!!! Ah, it is good to be among friends again, comrades. My feet and tank are weary and I now retire for my late-night-early-early-mid-morning vodka.