I'm not sure how someone can be both breathless and bland, but being a music reviewer must be, in some ways, a crap job of walking a tightrope over a pit of wildly conflicting expectations. On one hand, you have the "just give me the facts" crowd who want a review stripped down to basics, and on the other, the "paint me a vivid word-picture" readers who thrive on colorful prose and deep dives. Reviewers are tasked with not only assessing the music but doing so in a way that resonates with a vast array of tastes, experiences, and even attention spans. That's no small feat.
If you're accused of purple prose, it feels like a cheap shot because you're trying to review music - its sound and possible intentions behind it. Plus, music being poetic and abstract with layered meanings, trying to pin it down in words without straying into metaphor and mood-setting is like describing a sunset with just the hex codes for its colors - it’s technically accurate, but it misses the spirit.
And then there's the question of tone. Too critical, and the reviewer risks sounding like a snob; too effusive, and they’re accused of being a sellout. It’s almost an art form unto itself, balancing critique with celebration, context with brevity, and somehow making it all accessible without watering it down. The expectation of tailoring every review to match the preferences of every potential reader is pretty unreasonable.
I think the best music reviews come from writers who are unapologetically themselves - whether that means concise and punchy or sprawling and introspective. When a reviewer shows his or her personality, you're not obligated to instantly like that personality, but you have the choice to either stick with it to see if they say something that's enlightening or move on to someone who has a style that meets your desires. For me, that's sometimes even a daily thing that I contend with - even with people whose newsletters I subscribe to. I used to get a bit peeved by Peter Margasak's occasional macho-isms and his Berlin-centric reviews, but, hey! a lot of folks go thru Berlin and give performances and interviews that you might not see in many other places, so I've learned a lot about their approaches to sound and its made me not only want to listen to their new albums, but, if exceptional, to present them regularly on my show.
As a reviewer, it's impossible to please everyone, and when you try, the review loses its personality. At their best, music reviewers aren’t just telling you about an album; they’re showing you a new way to hear it. And for that, they deserve a lot more credit than they often get.